Chuckle #427 | October 27th, 2010
scroll to the bottom to leave a comment
The future of transportation is definitely NOT now. I once had a dream that by 2010 I could strap myself into my “hover pod” and be futuristically transported to my destination. We’re not even close. The only major improvement in personal transportation in the past 30 years has been the invention of GPS “navigation”.
And even that’s debatable.
I had high hopes for satellite navigation, but as it turns out, nav is more of a curse than a panacea. You can’t trust it. My nav system will unerringly choose a one lane road full of badly timed traffic lights over a highway. If I am bold enough to select “detour” the new route will add at least 2 hours to my trip.
Since my nav has so frequently led me astray, I now prepare for long trips into unfamiliar territory by printing at least four Google map options plus a MapQuest backup. Then I spend two hours comparing those routes with what my Garmin says I should do. They never match. And exactly how does this make my life better?
I’m convinced that my “HAL 9000” Garmin is no improvement over the classic road atlas, with the exception of its ability to speak. At least my road atlas has never tried to send me to a burned out building for a Slurpee.
I’ve always been a big fan of real maps. You can see where you’re going and where you’ve been. You can look for an interesting side trip or a more scenic route. There is nothing like spreading a big ‘ole paper map out across the dashboard and ogling an entire 3 day road trip in its entirety. GPS navigation offers no visual gratification.
I know what you are thinking. Yes, women like maps. We are a very visual sex. We have a pleasure center dedicated entirely to map reading. We were the original “nav system”, before men invented a high tech gadget with a sexy British accent to replace us. Now that our role as trip “navigator” has been marginalized, at least husbands and wives don’t fight as much in the car. I suppose that is some form of progress.
But here’s what I don’t get.
Google has a car that can drive itself for 300 miles in traffic with no human intervention, yet my nav still can’t tell me when there is a 25 mile back-up on the Jersey Turnpike.
And since redlining was outlawed by the Community Reinvestment Act, I don’t dare mention the lack of integrated neighborhood crime data. Why can’t my nav tell me that a particular exit off the Cross Bronx Expressway is a bona fide Bonfire of the Vanities BAD IDEA?
I think a serious GPS backlash is coming. Women have become disillusioned. Our lack of confidence will devastate the GeoWeb industry. I’ve already shorted MapQuest and Garmin and I’m starting to invest in real geography- e.g. glorious, fold-out printed MAPS from the likes of Michelin and Rand McNally.
Why am I being such a Luddite? Because every kid should be able to read a map. Because I want my kids to develop a sense of direction and rely less on technology in a crisis. If someone said “Go west young man” my son wouldn’t have a clue. He’d freeze to death in Minnesota. If the satellites went down, so would my kids. It's a survival thing.
So take heart cartographers! GPS has failed to win the hearts and minds of American moms, which means that the archaic map industry will soon boom again. At least until the words “Beam me up Scotty” can be said with confidence, which may be sooner than you think. The science behind quantum teleportation was recently proven - by the Chinese of course.
At least someone is making progress in transportation.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckle via email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copywrite 2008-2010, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT
CNN’s Hubris & Eliot Spitzer’s Arrogance
Chuckle #426 | October 20th, 2010
scroll down to leave a comment
I really appreciate what CNN does. Their political programming is some of the best out there. Over the years they’ve introduced me to some truly even-handed and talented correspondents such as David Gergen, Aaron Brown, Anderson Cooper, and Christiane Amanpour.
I watch CNN because I like my news network ands its reporters to be respectful, intelligent, factual, and balanced. Unfortunately CNN’s ratings have suffered because it has persistently taken the news “high road”. I totally understand that, for economic reasons, a network may occasionally need to program for survival. But there are certain LINES that should not be crossed.
So I just have to ask CNN directly…
An Eliot Spitzer show! What were you thinking?
Are you trying to tick women off? Do you really think our memories are that short? Women may be the “gentler sex” but we will not so easily forgive a man who cheats. Think Lorena Bobbitt - not so gentle.
Women don’t generally want to get their news and political commentary from cheating hypocrites who grievously wrong their wife and children. (No matter what their political affiliation may be.) We don’t care that this happened two years ago. Eliot may be slick, but how smart could he really be if he was caught by the Feds wtih his pants (figuratively) down? We just don’t trust him.
Women hold grudges against married guys with brobdingnagian egos and overactive man parts.
And since we women have higher levels of voter turnout, college attendance and business start-ups than guys, you should listen to us.
Here’s what I suggest.
Mr. Spitzer should get out of the spotlight for a while. He should man-up and spend the next 10 years fighting human trafficking. He should use his famous “bulldog” prosecutorial skills to defend American women and girls trapped in or forced into a life of prostitution. That’s called restitution. As a former attorney general I’m sure he knows what it means.
Only THEN might he become worthy of a CNN show.
At your next programming meeting (where I sincerely hope there are some senior level women) ask yourselves the question… “Can CNN really get into bed with Eliot Spitzer and still respect itself in the morning?”
CNN ratings might be down 40%, but your core viewers, the educated thought leaders who stick with you even when the news cycle is slow, are worth more than those at other networks. Try selling that idea to your advertisers - instead of trying to sell us on Eliot Spitzer.
You’ve got to remember that you are special. There are still a few Americans out there who can tell the difference between a “show” and the news. Some of us can still think for ourselves.
Don’t make us leave you for the BBC!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Get the "Weekly Chuckle" column via email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
scroll down to leave a comment
I really appreciate what CNN does. Their political programming is some of the best out there. Over the years they’ve introduced me to some truly even-handed and talented correspondents such as David Gergen, Aaron Brown, Anderson Cooper, and Christiane Amanpour.
I watch CNN because I like my news network ands its reporters to be respectful, intelligent, factual, and balanced. Unfortunately CNN’s ratings have suffered because it has persistently taken the news “high road”. I totally understand that, for economic reasons, a network may occasionally need to program for survival. But there are certain LINES that should not be crossed.
So I just have to ask CNN directly…
An Eliot Spitzer show! What were you thinking?
Are you trying to tick women off? Do you really think our memories are that short? Women may be the “gentler sex” but we will not so easily forgive a man who cheats. Think Lorena Bobbitt - not so gentle.
Women don’t generally want to get their news and political commentary from cheating hypocrites who grievously wrong their wife and children. (No matter what their political affiliation may be.) We don’t care that this happened two years ago. Eliot may be slick, but how smart could he really be if he was caught by the Feds wtih his pants (figuratively) down? We just don’t trust him.
Women hold grudges against married guys with brobdingnagian egos and overactive man parts.
And since we women have higher levels of voter turnout, college attendance and business start-ups than guys, you should listen to us.
Here’s what I suggest.
Mr. Spitzer should get out of the spotlight for a while. He should man-up and spend the next 10 years fighting human trafficking. He should use his famous “bulldog” prosecutorial skills to defend American women and girls trapped in or forced into a life of prostitution. That’s called restitution. As a former attorney general I’m sure he knows what it means.
Only THEN might he become worthy of a CNN show.
At your next programming meeting (where I sincerely hope there are some senior level women) ask yourselves the question… “Can CNN really get into bed with Eliot Spitzer and still respect itself in the morning?”
CNN ratings might be down 40%, but your core viewers, the educated thought leaders who stick with you even when the news cycle is slow, are worth more than those at other networks. Try selling that idea to your advertisers - instead of trying to sell us on Eliot Spitzer.
You’ve got to remember that you are special. There are still a few Americans out there who can tell the difference between a “show” and the news. Some of us can still think for ourselves.
Don’t make us leave you for the BBC!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Get the "Weekly Chuckle" column via email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2010, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT
I Only Nag You Because I Love You
Chuckle #425 | October 13th, 2010
scroll down to leave a comment
I don’t want to be a nag. (And I certainly don’t like BEING nagged.) But despite my best intentions, I find myself doing it. And once I start, I can’t seem to shut myself up.
I like to think that nagging is born of motherly love, worry and concern. In reality, we moms are not nagging, we are simply reminding our children that certain things must get done if they are to realize their full potential and enjoy a bright future. This is hopefully a “future” in which we no longer do our kids’ laundry or make them lunch.
For some reason kids insist on calling this pure expression of motherly love, nagging.
Dads don’t nag, mostly because “nag” can also mean an old and overworked FEMALE horse. It’s therefore unseemly for a man to nag. Most men have learned to endure the chaos of family life in manly silence, even when they trip over stuff left on the mudroom floor.
What Dads have really learned is to do is to leave the nagging to mom.
With regards to mom, the definition of “Nag” is…
1. To annoy by constant scolding, complaining, or urging.
2. To be a persistent source of anxiety or annoyance.
So what distinguishes “reminding” from “nagging”?
In a close reading of the Webster’s definition above, the difference appears to be the words “constant”, “persistent”, and “annoy”. Apparently you can “remind” someone to do something once or twice. To do so repeatedly means that you have become unbearable.
“Reminding” is done at the dinner table during civilized conversation. “Nagging” is done while standing in front of the TV during the kids’ favorite show. Big difference.
But aren’t moms forced to nag because ONE reminder is never enough? If we do not repeat ourselves ad nauseam, then important stuff falls through the cracks. We LOVE our kids too way much to let them suffer the consequences of procrastination. That is why we nag.
If I did not nag, my kids would NEVER change their sheets. If I did not nag, my son would probably not apply to college. If I did not nag, my children would re-use their dirty underwear and leave their bicycles out in the rain. Who suffers? THEY do. Why can’t my kids seem to understand that I’m only trying to help?
It is very difficult, nay, it is impossible for a woman to stay silent about some things, especially dirty underwear. But are we really helping when we parrot the same demands over and over, only to let our kids’ slide day after day?
Over time I have learned that nagging only works if it comes with some tough love in the form of really unsettling consequences. For example, “I am removing all the toilet paper from this house until you sign-up for the SATs.” Say it once…take the paper…watch the reaction.
So if you want to be heard (and obeyed), try delivering some compelling consequences along with your gentle “reminders”. Then bite your tongue and be willing to let your kids drop the ball and totally screw-up.
They call it tough love for two reasons. 1) It takes guts to deliver, and 2) letting your kid fail usually hurts you even more than it hurts them.
----------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckle via email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2010, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT
scroll down to leave a comment
I don’t want to be a nag. (And I certainly don’t like BEING nagged.) But despite my best intentions, I find myself doing it. And once I start, I can’t seem to shut myself up.
I like to think that nagging is born of motherly love, worry and concern. In reality, we moms are not nagging, we are simply reminding our children that certain things must get done if they are to realize their full potential and enjoy a bright future. This is hopefully a “future” in which we no longer do our kids’ laundry or make them lunch.
For some reason kids insist on calling this pure expression of motherly love, nagging.
Dads don’t nag, mostly because “nag” can also mean an old and overworked FEMALE horse. It’s therefore unseemly for a man to nag. Most men have learned to endure the chaos of family life in manly silence, even when they trip over stuff left on the mudroom floor.
What Dads have really learned is to do is to leave the nagging to mom.
With regards to mom, the definition of “Nag” is…
1. To annoy by constant scolding, complaining, or urging.
2. To be a persistent source of anxiety or annoyance.
So what distinguishes “reminding” from “nagging”?
In a close reading of the Webster’s definition above, the difference appears to be the words “constant”, “persistent”, and “annoy”. Apparently you can “remind” someone to do something once or twice. To do so repeatedly means that you have become unbearable.
“Reminding” is done at the dinner table during civilized conversation. “Nagging” is done while standing in front of the TV during the kids’ favorite show. Big difference.
But aren’t moms forced to nag because ONE reminder is never enough? If we do not repeat ourselves ad nauseam, then important stuff falls through the cracks. We LOVE our kids too way much to let them suffer the consequences of procrastination. That is why we nag.
If I did not nag, my kids would NEVER change their sheets. If I did not nag, my son would probably not apply to college. If I did not nag, my children would re-use their dirty underwear and leave their bicycles out in the rain. Who suffers? THEY do. Why can’t my kids seem to understand that I’m only trying to help?
It is very difficult, nay, it is impossible for a woman to stay silent about some things, especially dirty underwear. But are we really helping when we parrot the same demands over and over, only to let our kids’ slide day after day?
Over time I have learned that nagging only works if it comes with some tough love in the form of really unsettling consequences. For example, “I am removing all the toilet paper from this house until you sign-up for the SATs.” Say it once…take the paper…watch the reaction.
So if you want to be heard (and obeyed), try delivering some compelling consequences along with your gentle “reminders”. Then bite your tongue and be willing to let your kids drop the ball and totally screw-up.
They call it tough love for two reasons. 1) It takes guts to deliver, and 2) letting your kid fail usually hurts you even more than it hurts them.
----------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckle via email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2010, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT
My Ridonculous Refrigerator Folly
Chuckle #424 | October 6th, 2010
scroll down to leave a comment
We’re all familiar with Murphy’s Law, the Law of Diminishing Returns, Lemon Laws and “In” Laws. Combine all four and you get Appliance Law.
Appliance Law dictates that your dishwasher will break down the minute your in-laws arrive and that your fridge will fail the day before Thanksgiving. These things will happen precisely three weeks after your warrantee expires. That’s because appliance companies are smart enough to hire actuaries, but not smart enough to build stuff that lasts.
I’m told that we live in the age of “disposable” hard goods. And yes, that should be a non sequitur, but sadly, it is not.
The day my fridge stopped working I went online to find out why. The helpful consumer blog “GE Blows” informed me that my icebox was at the end of its life expectancy of approximately 10 years. Even my DOG will last longer than that, and I've only had to "repair" him once.
To Repair or To Replace? That is the question we beleaguered consumers face more and more often. So what would it cost to replace my fridge? Almost as much as a brand new Nissan Versa – which unlike a fridge, has re-sale value and comes in many attractive colors.
I did see some perfectly lovely fridges in the showroom for around $1000-$1500 bucks. But the custom paneled ice/water dispensing, counter depth 42 inch unit that would fit in my fridge “space” costs a whole lot more.
I wish I could remember what was I thinking (or how much model glue I was exposed to) 10 years ago when I was planning my kitchen.
In my parents’ day, fridges lasted 30 years. I know this because when I called to tell my mom that my fridge was broken, she spent a ½ hour communicating this 10 second factoid to me. Of course the old fridge had to be manually de-frosted every 5 days, using pans of boiling water and an ice pick. But at least it kept stuff cold.
And don’t get me started on my GE Spacemaker microwave. It is the ONLY model microwave that fits in my upper cabinet “microwave designated” built-in space, and therefore GE knows that it can break with IMPUNITY every two years.
I once had the nerve to ask GE why this microwave was so darn bad. GE kindly suggested that I refrain from wiping the control panel with a damp rag as it causes the panel to short out. So as long as people don’t clean this microwave, it should be fine. GE is very helpful that way. I only wish that this minor caveat had appeared in the manual two microwaves ago.
So here’s the lesson learned. Do not “build in” or put expensive wood panels on your appliances (unless you are filthy rich.) Sure it looks nice for a couple years, but once the appliance breaks, you are stuck, sucker.
Given that today’s appliances last only 10-12 years, the smart consumer should buy the cheapest possible energy star rated appliances. If you can also design a charming “unfitted” kitchen, like in the old days, you can really save big when you inevitably have to replace every appliance you own.
BTW, my fridge was eventually repaired, but only after I subtly shared my Italian heritage with Mario the repair guy, and told him that replacing the fridge would mean dipping into the college fund. He took pity on me and fixed it within an hour.
And here’s some more food for thought. The repair of my built-in refrigerator folly cost about the same as my parents paid for their first fridge, delivered.
See mom, I was listening…
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckle via email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2010, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT
scroll down to leave a comment
We’re all familiar with Murphy’s Law, the Law of Diminishing Returns, Lemon Laws and “In” Laws. Combine all four and you get Appliance Law.
Appliance Law dictates that your dishwasher will break down the minute your in-laws arrive and that your fridge will fail the day before Thanksgiving. These things will happen precisely three weeks after your warrantee expires. That’s because appliance companies are smart enough to hire actuaries, but not smart enough to build stuff that lasts.
I’m told that we live in the age of “disposable” hard goods. And yes, that should be a non sequitur, but sadly, it is not.
The day my fridge stopped working I went online to find out why. The helpful consumer blog “GE Blows” informed me that my icebox was at the end of its life expectancy of approximately 10 years. Even my DOG will last longer than that, and I've only had to "repair" him once.
To Repair or To Replace? That is the question we beleaguered consumers face more and more often. So what would it cost to replace my fridge? Almost as much as a brand new Nissan Versa – which unlike a fridge, has re-sale value and comes in many attractive colors.
I did see some perfectly lovely fridges in the showroom for around $1000-$1500 bucks. But the custom paneled ice/water dispensing, counter depth 42 inch unit that would fit in my fridge “space” costs a whole lot more.
I wish I could remember what was I thinking (or how much model glue I was exposed to) 10 years ago when I was planning my kitchen.
In my parents’ day, fridges lasted 30 years. I know this because when I called to tell my mom that my fridge was broken, she spent a ½ hour communicating this 10 second factoid to me. Of course the old fridge had to be manually de-frosted every 5 days, using pans of boiling water and an ice pick. But at least it kept stuff cold.
And don’t get me started on my GE Spacemaker microwave. It is the ONLY model microwave that fits in my upper cabinet “microwave designated” built-in space, and therefore GE knows that it can break with IMPUNITY every two years.
I once had the nerve to ask GE why this microwave was so darn bad. GE kindly suggested that I refrain from wiping the control panel with a damp rag as it causes the panel to short out. So as long as people don’t clean this microwave, it should be fine. GE is very helpful that way. I only wish that this minor caveat had appeared in the manual two microwaves ago.
So here’s the lesson learned. Do not “build in” or put expensive wood panels on your appliances (unless you are filthy rich.) Sure it looks nice for a couple years, but once the appliance breaks, you are stuck, sucker.
Given that today’s appliances last only 10-12 years, the smart consumer should buy the cheapest possible energy star rated appliances. If you can also design a charming “unfitted” kitchen, like in the old days, you can really save big when you inevitably have to replace every appliance you own.
BTW, my fridge was eventually repaired, but only after I subtly shared my Italian heritage with Mario the repair guy, and told him that replacing the fridge would mean dipping into the college fund. He took pity on me and fixed it within an hour.
And here’s some more food for thought. The repair of my built-in refrigerator folly cost about the same as my parents paid for their first fridge, delivered.
See mom, I was listening…
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckle via email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2010, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
