CHUCKLE #375 | September 24th, 2009
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I did not INTEND to drive the Burger King DRIVE THRU guy to the brink of insanity. He just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Most people approach the drive thru microphone and order immediately. They accept and understand that the Drive Thru SOCIAL CONTRACT dictates SPEED. They are willing to relinquish their right to hem and haw for the greater good. Not my family. My family has difficulty articulating what it is we wish to eat at the appropriate "drive thru" speed. Needless to say this irritates the fast food employees, the people in the cars behind us, and most especially the people in the car with us. On a recent road trip, the mom who was with me INSISTED that the drive thru would be quickest. She was unaware of the DEPTH of my family's issues.
1) We hardly ever eat at fast food places so we are unfamiliar with the "menu" options (hence the decision-making lock jaw.)
2) My kids PANIC under pressure, especially food related pressure. You'd think they were donating a kidney, not ordering a burger.
3) Because getting Fast Food is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, my kids want to negotiate for NASTY STUFF like shakes and onion rings - and forming a convincing argument takes time.
In hindsight, I should have known better and resisted the SIREN CALL of the Drive Thru. But I didn't, and so it went something like this...We drive up (I miss the microphone and have to back up.) The nice young man offers to take our order. I thank him for his interest in our gastronomic needs, and let him know that we are not quite ready to order yet. Three minutes later, he offers to take our order again. I place one person's order (that of my "companion" Mom who looks ready to strangle me.) He asks if that will be all. I obtain the kids' orders, then carefully yell each food item into the microphone, with a lengthy pause between words to ensure comprehension. (I have since been made aware that Drive Thru window technology has vastly improved since the last time I tried it 10 years ago and that exaggerated enunciation is NOT entirely necessary.)
But what amazed me the most is that each time I paused, the drive thru guy politely asked "will that be all?" (With no inflection or tone to convey his belief that I MUST INDEED be an idiot.) That is just NOT normal behavior for a Burger King employee who is being (unintentionally) tormented, BTW. To top it all off, the two guys behind us did NOT get out of their 1985 Chevy Silverado and threaten us with a baseball bat, nor did they even deign to honk. I've decided that people in Allentown PA are saints. Thanks to Billy Joel's heartfelt lyrics, we all know that Allentown has not been economically blessed. In spite of that these folks are strangely patient and understanding, and lacking inner RAGE. In light of my socially inept Drive Thru performance, I appreciated this characteristic VERY much. In return, I will try much harder next time. THANK YOU Allentown!
But honestly, what is the point of using the Drive Thru when all you REALLY want from a fast food restaurant is to use the bathroom?! To put it more philosophically, does the desire for French fries provide a convenient opportunity for "relief", or is the need to "GO" an excuse for French Fries? Or, do you simply prefer to drive thru?
Suckling Pig Roast Nightmare
CHUCKLE #374 | September 17th, 2009
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So I've been toying with the idea of hosting a festive SUCKLING PIG ROAST. That is, I was until I started looking at photos of actual pigs being ROASTED. (Thank you Google Images for my current porcine nightmare.) Then I spoke with the Pig Roast Guy, who was kind enough to describe, in excruciating detail, how I would go about skewering and carving my pig carcass. I don't even like to touch raw chicken. The Pig Roast Guy thoughtfully told me to think of my pig as a big TURKEY. (Given my raw poultry phobia, that did not help much.) This was NOT an appetizing conversation. My "LUAU PARTY" started to sound like a whole lotta NASTY.
You see, I had pictured a party at which I benignly lit Tiki Torches, served fun beverages, and handed out leis. I did not envision a heathenish struggle to "pith" an animal lengthwise. (I never quite got over dissecting that fetal pig in high school, NOR Lord of the Flies...did you?) Just yesterday I learned that "suckling" literally means a very young pig that is still nursing. Yet another nail in the coffin of my pig roast fantasy. Then there were the photos. Which prompted me to gasp and yell "EWW!" Yes, the legs and head are still attached and it pretty much looks like a pig, only its dead. Darn my parents for taking me to pet the animals at "Friendly Farm" every Spring! The (live) piglets were my favorite. I am now quite positive that I prefer my pork in "parts." Chops and ribs are particulary nice and do not resemble the original animal at all. I no longer wish to get any CLOSER to the source of my food. My "swinish" desires have been firmly squelched by healthy dose of pig roast reality.
So I am a squeamish glutton. I'm sure there are others out there. It is a difficult position to be in. We have to rely on others (like crazy Greek or Italian friends) to do the "dirty work" for us. Are you by any chance planning a pig roast? (Or goat, or lamb?) Will you share?
Scroll to bottom to leave a comment
So I've been toying with the idea of hosting a festive SUCKLING PIG ROAST. That is, I was until I started looking at photos of actual pigs being ROASTED. (Thank you Google Images for my current porcine nightmare.) Then I spoke with the Pig Roast Guy, who was kind enough to describe, in excruciating detail, how I would go about skewering and carving my pig carcass. I don't even like to touch raw chicken. The Pig Roast Guy thoughtfully told me to think of my pig as a big TURKEY. (Given my raw poultry phobia, that did not help much.) This was NOT an appetizing conversation. My "LUAU PARTY" started to sound like a whole lotta NASTY.
You see, I had pictured a party at which I benignly lit Tiki Torches, served fun beverages, and handed out leis. I did not envision a heathenish struggle to "pith" an animal lengthwise. (I never quite got over dissecting that fetal pig in high school, NOR Lord of the Flies...did you?) Just yesterday I learned that "suckling" literally means a very young pig that is still nursing. Yet another nail in the coffin of my pig roast fantasy. Then there were the photos. Which prompted me to gasp and yell "EWW!" Yes, the legs and head are still attached and it pretty much looks like a pig, only its dead. Darn my parents for taking me to pet the animals at "Friendly Farm" every Spring! The (live) piglets were my favorite. I am now quite positive that I prefer my pork in "parts." Chops and ribs are particulary nice and do not resemble the original animal at all. I no longer wish to get any CLOSER to the source of my food. My "swinish" desires have been firmly squelched by healthy dose of pig roast reality.
So I am a squeamish glutton. I'm sure there are others out there. It is a difficult position to be in. We have to rely on others (like crazy Greek or Italian friends) to do the "dirty work" for us. Are you by any chance planning a pig roast? (Or goat, or lamb?) Will you share?
Moms Who Play Daytime "Hooky"
CHUCKLE #373 | September 10th, 2009
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I have friends who play "hooky" and go to movies in the middle of the day. While I've been invited, I've never had the nerve to go. These friends are otherwise quite responsible. They are not Martini pushing "ladies who lunch" or exhibit any other hussy-like behaviors. I respect and admire their carefree spontaneity. But for me, the movie thing still doesn't quite feel "right." I can't get past the feeling that going to the movies in the middle of the day seems self-indulgent given the condition of my garage (a complete wreck) and the hallway full of Christmas boxes from 2008. Before I do anything "fun" shouldn't my life be ship shape? Mustn't I EARN my downtime? And don't get me wrong, I "do lunch," but going to a movie seems at best, brazenly irresponsible in light of my to do list. (Clearly, I have issues.)
I really do think that a "daytime" movie is a GREAT IDEA. It's the ONLY way to fit in all the chick flicks that are produced by Hollywood, and disdained by men everywhere. Just as I would have to be brought kicking and screaming to see Wolverine or GI Joe, my husband would require sedation if he were forced to see more than four romantic comedies a year. So the afternoon movie is a win win for most couples. Much cheaper than counseling. Then why am I so wracked with GUILT at the thought? Does a single movie a "slacker" make? Is noon any different from 7PM? (Only in that the kids are at school and my husband's at work - hence the guilt.) Or is it my inner Yankee that keeps me from the theater?
Anyone else feel this way? I happily accept amateur OR professional psychoanalysis... Let's rationalize playing daytime hooky. I really would like to accept my next daytime movie invitation...once the garage is clean that is...
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I have friends who play "hooky" and go to movies in the middle of the day. While I've been invited, I've never had the nerve to go. These friends are otherwise quite responsible. They are not Martini pushing "ladies who lunch" or exhibit any other hussy-like behaviors. I respect and admire their carefree spontaneity. But for me, the movie thing still doesn't quite feel "right." I can't get past the feeling that going to the movies in the middle of the day seems self-indulgent given the condition of my garage (a complete wreck) and the hallway full of Christmas boxes from 2008. Before I do anything "fun" shouldn't my life be ship shape? Mustn't I EARN my downtime? And don't get me wrong, I "do lunch," but going to a movie seems at best, brazenly irresponsible in light of my to do list. (Clearly, I have issues.)
I really do think that a "daytime" movie is a GREAT IDEA. It's the ONLY way to fit in all the chick flicks that are produced by Hollywood, and disdained by men everywhere. Just as I would have to be brought kicking and screaming to see Wolverine or GI Joe, my husband would require sedation if he were forced to see more than four romantic comedies a year. So the afternoon movie is a win win for most couples. Much cheaper than counseling. Then why am I so wracked with GUILT at the thought? Does a single movie a "slacker" make? Is noon any different from 7PM? (Only in that the kids are at school and my husband's at work - hence the guilt.) Or is it my inner Yankee that keeps me from the theater?
Anyone else feel this way? I happily accept amateur OR professional psychoanalysis... Let's rationalize playing daytime hooky. I really would like to accept my next daytime movie invitation...once the garage is clean that is...
Back to School Bedtime - Cold Turkey Works Best
CHUCKLE #372 | September 3rd, 2009
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COLD TURKEY. That's how we like to do it in my family. And I'm not talking about putting an end to my rather liberal summer drinking habits. I'm talking BACK TO SCHOOL BEDTIMES. The parenting books smugly tell us to start "re-adjusting" our children's schedules a week or so before school starts so that they can be fresh and well-rested for the start of school. That is complete HOGWASH...disinformation spread by the teacher's union. We do not SPEAK the word "school" in our home in summer, it is forbidden. We prefer to prolong summer - and keep the party going - until the last possible moment. (I am just now filling out school forms, and school starts tomorrow. None of us want to face the fact that the fun is over.)
Kids (unlike us geezer parents) adjust very quickly to circadian game changers like dawn wake up calls. They are like Weebles. (They might wobble, but they won't fall down.) Kids hardly do anything those first few days of school, so why rob them of even a single summer day? Surely they can learn to open their locker, find the bathroom, and write their "what I did this summer" essay on 6 hours of sleep!? Tonight my husband will set the alarm clock for 6:15AM and we'll hope for the best. By next week, via the "cold turkey" method, everyone's internal clock will be reset for "school time." Meanwhile, we plan to enjoy our last night of summer...
Are you a back to school bedtime "adjuster" or do you quit summer "cold turkey"? What is the worst that could happen? (Angry teachers need not answer this question!)
Scroll to bottom to leave a comment
COLD TURKEY. That's how we like to do it in my family. And I'm not talking about putting an end to my rather liberal summer drinking habits. I'm talking BACK TO SCHOOL BEDTIMES. The parenting books smugly tell us to start "re-adjusting" our children's schedules a week or so before school starts so that they can be fresh and well-rested for the start of school. That is complete HOGWASH...disinformation spread by the teacher's union. We do not SPEAK the word "school" in our home in summer, it is forbidden. We prefer to prolong summer - and keep the party going - until the last possible moment. (I am just now filling out school forms, and school starts tomorrow. None of us want to face the fact that the fun is over.)
Kids (unlike us geezer parents) adjust very quickly to circadian game changers like dawn wake up calls. They are like Weebles. (They might wobble, but they won't fall down.) Kids hardly do anything those first few days of school, so why rob them of even a single summer day? Surely they can learn to open their locker, find the bathroom, and write their "what I did this summer" essay on 6 hours of sleep!? Tonight my husband will set the alarm clock for 6:15AM and we'll hope for the best. By next week, via the "cold turkey" method, everyone's internal clock will be reset for "school time." Meanwhile, we plan to enjoy our last night of summer...
Are you a back to school bedtime "adjuster" or do you quit summer "cold turkey"? What is the worst that could happen? (Angry teachers need not answer this question!)
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