CHUCKLE #374 | September 17th, 2009
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So I've been toying with the idea of hosting a festive SUCKLING PIG ROAST. That is, I was until I started looking at photos of actual pigs being ROASTED. (Thank you Google Images for my current porcine nightmare.) Then I spoke with the Pig Roast Guy, who was kind enough to describe, in excruciating detail, how I would go about skewering and carving my pig carcass. I don't even like to touch raw chicken. The Pig Roast Guy thoughtfully told me to think of my pig as a big TURKEY. (Given my raw poultry phobia, that did not help much.) This was NOT an appetizing conversation. My "LUAU PARTY" started to sound like a whole lotta NASTY.
You see, I had pictured a party at which I benignly lit Tiki Torches, served fun beverages, and handed out leis. I did not envision a heathenish struggle to "pith" an animal lengthwise. (I never quite got over dissecting that fetal pig in high school, NOR Lord of the Flies...did you?) Just yesterday I learned that "suckling" literally means a very young pig that is still nursing. Yet another nail in the coffin of my pig roast fantasy. Then there were the photos. Which prompted me to gasp and yell "EWW!" Yes, the legs and head are still attached and it pretty much looks like a pig, only its dead. Darn my parents for taking me to pet the animals at "Friendly Farm" every Spring! The (live) piglets were my favorite. I am now quite positive that I prefer my pork in "parts." Chops and ribs are particulary nice and do not resemble the original animal at all. I no longer wish to get any CLOSER to the source of my food. My "swinish" desires have been firmly squelched by healthy dose of pig roast reality.
So I am a squeamish glutton. I'm sure there are others out there. It is a difficult position to be in. We have to rely on others (like crazy Greek or Italian friends) to do the "dirty work" for us. Are you by any chance planning a pig roast? (Or goat, or lamb?) Will you share?
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Just had to write and say your pig roast blog was hilarious- mostly because of how much I could see myself in your shoes! Thank you for sharing the details of that process! It was hysterical reading about how eye-opening it was for you, but at the same time I would have reacted in the exact same way- squeamishly and with my animal-loving background surging to the surface!
ReplyDeleteI rarely have time to read anything these days, but your blogs are very funny, very real and very worthy of the few minutes it takes to read them! Keep up your great work! Thanks so much.
Best,
Kristen
When I was little I wanted to be a "farmer's wife." That was my impressive career goal. (Not a farmer, a farmer's WIFE.) I aimed high back then. Thank god I didn't! I wouldn't have been able to handle the "animals as food" concept. Favorite childhood books, All Things Bright and Beautiful, All Things Wild and Wonderful, you know, those James Herriot vet books...I should have known better than to even have CONSIDERED skewering a whole pig!
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