Chuckle #483 | February 8th, 2012
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Just last year I started buying my “house” chardonnay in boxes instead of bottles. Box wine isn’t what it used to be. It’s tasty (in a blind taste test, three of my friends chose the box over a decent $13 dollar bottle), cheap (the equivalent of 4 bottles for 20 bucks); and convenient. No more running out to the local liquor store in a panic on Friday night.
As you can see, I’m a woman of wealth and taste.
“Is there a downside to ‘box’ wine?” you ask. The answer is devilishly clear: alcoholism for one, and surreptitious teenage tippling for another. (These boxes should really come with a lockable spout.)
To be honest, chardonnay on tap might be just a little bit too convenient. Drinking wine from a bottle imposes some simple supply-side limits. When you open a bottle of wine, for example, you can never drink more than one bottle.
With a box of wine, one glass can easily turn into ten. “Isn’t this cool and fun?” you say to your husband as you ‘tap’ your first box. Then suddenly the thing is empty and you find yourselves wondering how that could have happened in just three days. Your mind begins to wander and you start having weird rambling thoughts like “Who killed the Kennedys?”
If you tap a box on Monday, then find yourself tipping it upside down in desperation on Saturday, you're probably hitting the box a little too often. You could try blaming this on your dog, but unless you have a very clever dog (who is also a lush), people will find this difficult to believe.
Box wine is convenient, but it can lay your soul to waste. There should be more built-in controls. Responsible, litigation-adverse corporations like Budweiser, encourage sobriety these days. Box wine makers should follow suit. There are definitely ways to make 'box wine' both safer and more convenient for consumers.
1) Add a dispenser ‘window’, like the ones on the soap and shampoo dispensers at the gym, so I can see how much I am drinking.
2) Install a breathalyzer activated spout.
3) Make it easier to access those last 6 ounces of wine without having to shred the box and cut open the bag. (Knives and alcohol do not mix.)
4) Include a tube so that the bag could be converted into a “camelback” unit for dispensing wine while skiing, walking on the beach or doing laundry.
5) Pet Peeve: How to keep the box ‘o’ wine cold at a picnic? We need a special cooler with a “tap hole” that would make chilling and serving box wine easier at outdoor events.
6) And finally, what’s really puzzling me is why box wine companies keep trying to make red wine. It’s swill. Stick to white wines, people don’t take those so seriously.
Until my suggested enhancements are made, I’m going to have to exercise some self-control, like I do now with Doritos and peanut M&Ms. The “box” is a tempting little devil and I’m in need of some restraint.
My only other option is to go back to buying wine in bottles, which is not nearly as much fun as having wine on tap.
I know you are all trying to guess the name of my favorite “box” of chardonnay so here it is, Black Box. Restrain yourself because I have no sympathy for the devil of a headache you'll get from drinking too much of it!
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Get your Weekly Chuckle via email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2012, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT
Jealous of My Rick Santorum Sweater Vest?
Chuckle #482 | February 1st, 2012
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This year’s Republican primary battle has been one for the history books, or so says Newt. After the shocking amount of time I’ve invested (some might say wasted) in watching the 23 Republican debates, I think I deserve a souvenir. But what to get?
In the end, I could not resist the iconic, yet elegantly understated Rick Santorum sweater vest.
The sweater vest is a fashion faux pas, but you have to give a candidate credit for being able to poke fun at himself, even if his platform scares you to death.
The vest was a bit pricey at $100 bucks, but I plan to get a lot of wear out of it. I’ll debut it at my Super Bowl party; then I’ll wear it to all those spring “come as your favorite social conservative” cocktail parties. After Halloween I can send it to my dad in Florida where going sleeveless is considered normal.
From a marketing perspective, the sweater vest promo was pure genius. The media coverage alone was worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, not to mention the $80 bucks they make on each vest.
The rest of the Republican field is beginning to catch on.
Ron Paul has his cookbook, which offers warnings against US farm subsidies along with favorite family recipes. Newt’s gone after the pet market with a doggie bandana. Supporters are apparently too embarrassed to be seen wearing something with Newt’s name on it, so they make their dogs do it. (Don’t worry, PETA has already issued a strongly worded statement concerning pets’ rights.)
It’s pretty clear that bumper stickers and buttons are passé. Americans are bored with the same old imprinted junk and want something more personal. People want to own a piece of their candidate. Sounds creepy, I know. So far the candidates are trying to give supporters what they want, but they could do better.
All candidates should have a Promo Czar on staff. Unfortunately, most have already blown their budgets on negative attack ads and swift-boating each other. So they’ll have to rely on me instead. I’m full of great promo ideas, and I’m giving them away for free.
For Newt…
A limited edition Swarovski crystal replica of the infamous Tiffany’s tennis bracelet that he gave his 3rd wife. It will have a little charm that dangles from the clasp and says “I (heart) Newt”.
For Mitt…
Oven “Mitts” that say “Mitt is Hot.” Or a pair of mittens that say “sMITTen”.
For Ron…
Private label “Ron Paul” brown sneakers, intended to be worn with an ill-fitting brown suit. These will be manufactured by New Balance, of course, the only sneaker company that still has factories in the USA.
For Rick…
A beautiful crucifix pendant, inscribed “Sancta Sanctorum, Santorum Es.” (Roughly translated: “The holiest of the ‘holy’ ones is Santorum.”
But why stop there when a candidate could come up with some clever “attack” products and skewer his opponents with subtle irony?
• “Mitt Gel.” The tagline would be “Handsome yet slimy. Apply ‘LIBERAL’ly, wash hands after use.”
• “Mitt Flops.” Two-toned flip flops with Mitt stamped all over them.
• A “Newt Doll.” If you cut off its head, another one grows back that is twice as big as the first. The doll would come with a variety of outfits, like a space suit, Lincoln’s stove pipe hat, Ho Chi Minh Sandals, a De Gaulle moustache and a Margaret Thatcher wig. (Three female dolls in wedding dresses are included.)
• A line of “Santorum” maternity clothes called “God’s Gift to Women”. The insignia (think Lacoste’s alligator or Ralph’s polo pony) will be a sperm.
• A selection of colorful bongs in the shape of Ron Paul’s head. “Paul Puffers” would be sold through state sponsored medical marijuana clinics.
Political junkies will buy just about anything (as evidenced by my purchase of the Santorum sweater vest.) Now I'm saving up to buy something special from the general election. I'm hoping to score an "Authentic Replica" of Obama's Birth certificate.
What can I say? As an "independent" I like to demonstrate my non-partisan support for our nation's political freak show.
------------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckle via email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2012, LOLmom.com, Greenwich, CT
scroll down to leave a comment
This year’s Republican primary battle has been one for the history books, or so says Newt. After the shocking amount of time I’ve invested (some might say wasted) in watching the 23 Republican debates, I think I deserve a souvenir. But what to get?
In the end, I could not resist the iconic, yet elegantly understated Rick Santorum sweater vest.
The sweater vest is a fashion faux pas, but you have to give a candidate credit for being able to poke fun at himself, even if his platform scares you to death.
The vest was a bit pricey at $100 bucks, but I plan to get a lot of wear out of it. I’ll debut it at my Super Bowl party; then I’ll wear it to all those spring “come as your favorite social conservative” cocktail parties. After Halloween I can send it to my dad in Florida where going sleeveless is considered normal.
From a marketing perspective, the sweater vest promo was pure genius. The media coverage alone was worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, not to mention the $80 bucks they make on each vest.
The rest of the Republican field is beginning to catch on.
Ron Paul has his cookbook, which offers warnings against US farm subsidies along with favorite family recipes. Newt’s gone after the pet market with a doggie bandana. Supporters are apparently too embarrassed to be seen wearing something with Newt’s name on it, so they make their dogs do it. (Don’t worry, PETA has already issued a strongly worded statement concerning pets’ rights.)
It’s pretty clear that bumper stickers and buttons are passé. Americans are bored with the same old imprinted junk and want something more personal. People want to own a piece of their candidate. Sounds creepy, I know. So far the candidates are trying to give supporters what they want, but they could do better.
All candidates should have a Promo Czar on staff. Unfortunately, most have already blown their budgets on negative attack ads and swift-boating each other. So they’ll have to rely on me instead. I’m full of great promo ideas, and I’m giving them away for free.
For Newt…
A limited edition Swarovski crystal replica of the infamous Tiffany’s tennis bracelet that he gave his 3rd wife. It will have a little charm that dangles from the clasp and says “I (heart) Newt”.
For Mitt…
Oven “Mitts” that say “Mitt is Hot.” Or a pair of mittens that say “sMITTen”.
For Ron…
Private label “Ron Paul” brown sneakers, intended to be worn with an ill-fitting brown suit. These will be manufactured by New Balance, of course, the only sneaker company that still has factories in the USA.
For Rick…
A beautiful crucifix pendant, inscribed “Sancta Sanctorum, Santorum Es.” (Roughly translated: “The holiest of the ‘holy’ ones is Santorum.”
But why stop there when a candidate could come up with some clever “attack” products and skewer his opponents with subtle irony?
• “Mitt Gel.” The tagline would be “Handsome yet slimy. Apply ‘LIBERAL’ly, wash hands after use.”
• “Mitt Flops.” Two-toned flip flops with Mitt stamped all over them.
• A “Newt Doll.” If you cut off its head, another one grows back that is twice as big as the first. The doll would come with a variety of outfits, like a space suit, Lincoln’s stove pipe hat, Ho Chi Minh Sandals, a De Gaulle moustache and a Margaret Thatcher wig. (Three female dolls in wedding dresses are included.)
• A line of “Santorum” maternity clothes called “God’s Gift to Women”. The insignia (think Lacoste’s alligator or Ralph’s polo pony) will be a sperm.
• A selection of colorful bongs in the shape of Ron Paul’s head. “Paul Puffers” would be sold through state sponsored medical marijuana clinics.
Political junkies will buy just about anything (as evidenced by my purchase of the Santorum sweater vest.) Now I'm saving up to buy something special from the general election. I'm hoping to score an "Authentic Replica" of Obama's Birth certificate.
What can I say? As an "independent" I like to demonstrate my non-partisan support for our nation's political freak show.
------------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckle via email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2012, LOLmom.com, Greenwich, CT
What Would Kierkegaard Collect?
Chuckle #481 | January 25th, 2012
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Remember Beanie Babies? They revolutionized the stuffed animal market, and unlike Cabbage Patch Kids, were not butt ugly. (Cabbage Patch Kids put an entire generation of toddlers off childbirth.) These are the kind of products that make you say, “why didn’t I think of that!?” The Beanie Babies, not the Cabbage Patch Kids. Those freaky ‘kids’ still give me nightmares.
Back in 1994, tiny Midwest toy company, Ty Inc. took an inanimate object, gave it a name and a “personality”, kept the price point affordable, and made a bajillion dollars. But even Ty Warner couldn’t have predicted that Beanie Babies would appeal to Grandmas as much they did to four year olds.
My daughter had close to 10 Beanies at the top of the craze (an investment of about $60 bucks in fuzz and stuffing). They seemed like harmless things to collect until my husband found himself rushing down to the local toy store at 6AM on Beanie shipment day in hopes of snagging the illusive “Polly the Penguin” Beanie.
Dads are such suckers when it comes to their little girls.
Older women collect beanies, but do not play with them. Grandmas, for example, keep their pristine beanies in acrylic display boxes to protect them from sticky grandchildren. (Have you tried explaining to your three year old why she can’t play with Grandma’s “toys”?) And they wonder why we don’t visit more often!
Grandma’s Beanies are in mint condition and all have their original tags. If you were a smart grandma, you sold your collection at the height of the craze, made a killing, and took your dream cruise to the Galapagos. If you missed that window of opportunity, you are now looking at $10-$20 bucks apiece, even for a limited edition Beanie. Bus trip to Vegas anyone?
Ironically, my eldest daughter now owns Grandma’s 80 Beanie collection. Yes, the Beanies that she was once banned from touching are now in a heap on her bed. Ha!
Grandma’s beanie gift came with conditions though. My daughter must never, ever sell them, give them away, or burn them in a perverse demonic Beanie bonfire. This, technically, was a verbal agreement. She didn’t sign anything. And please, let’s all agree that Beanies are NOT Great Grandmother’s tiara from the old country (or even close). I’m thinking we deserve some wiggle room here.
For example, could we sell them to help pay for college?
“How did we end up with Grandma’s treasured Beanies?” you ask. Apparently, when people are downsizing to a condo, the Beanie Babie collection does not make the cut of things that you must have in your new, smaller home. So you unload them on your innocent granddaughter - with stipulations.
You know, when people are thinking about what to start collecting, they should consider collecting things that have some intrinsic value, like stamps or coins. Stuff that isn’t ‘here today, in a landfill tomorrow’.
I told my daughter that her Beanie Babies must leave my house when she leaves. She tells me that she will bring them to college with her, where she will undoubtedly be branded as the crazy girl who couldn’t leave her Beanie Babie collection at home.
I have a better idea. How about I ship them all back to Grandma…
It could be worse. My youngest daughter collects beer bottle caps. (Don’t ask me, ask my husband. He started it.) When my son was little, he collected used toothbrushes – both unsanitary AND unlikely to appreciate over time. Thank goodness he moved on to coins. At least those will be worth something in 50 years.
I collect antique silver butter dishes. I have 11. I’d love to someday have a complete collection of historically correct butter storage and display ‘artifacts’ because butter is my favorite food.
Ok, so at least I realize that I sound kind of crazy. I should probably stop making fun of Beanie Babie collectors. Intrinsic value might be overrated. ‘Collecting’ might be more about fun than value.
So, anyone interested in ‘jumpstarting’ a Beanie collection? I also have five boxes of Pokemon cards…
----------------------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckle via email at http://www.laughoutloutmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2012, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT
scroll down to leave a comment
Remember Beanie Babies? They revolutionized the stuffed animal market, and unlike Cabbage Patch Kids, were not butt ugly. (Cabbage Patch Kids put an entire generation of toddlers off childbirth.) These are the kind of products that make you say, “why didn’t I think of that!?” The Beanie Babies, not the Cabbage Patch Kids. Those freaky ‘kids’ still give me nightmares.
Back in 1994, tiny Midwest toy company, Ty Inc. took an inanimate object, gave it a name and a “personality”, kept the price point affordable, and made a bajillion dollars. But even Ty Warner couldn’t have predicted that Beanie Babies would appeal to Grandmas as much they did to four year olds.
My daughter had close to 10 Beanies at the top of the craze (an investment of about $60 bucks in fuzz and stuffing). They seemed like harmless things to collect until my husband found himself rushing down to the local toy store at 6AM on Beanie shipment day in hopes of snagging the illusive “Polly the Penguin” Beanie.
Dads are such suckers when it comes to their little girls.
Older women collect beanies, but do not play with them. Grandmas, for example, keep their pristine beanies in acrylic display boxes to protect them from sticky grandchildren. (Have you tried explaining to your three year old why she can’t play with Grandma’s “toys”?) And they wonder why we don’t visit more often!
Grandma’s Beanies are in mint condition and all have their original tags. If you were a smart grandma, you sold your collection at the height of the craze, made a killing, and took your dream cruise to the Galapagos. If you missed that window of opportunity, you are now looking at $10-$20 bucks apiece, even for a limited edition Beanie. Bus trip to Vegas anyone?
Ironically, my eldest daughter now owns Grandma’s 80 Beanie collection. Yes, the Beanies that she was once banned from touching are now in a heap on her bed. Ha!
Grandma’s beanie gift came with conditions though. My daughter must never, ever sell them, give them away, or burn them in a perverse demonic Beanie bonfire. This, technically, was a verbal agreement. She didn’t sign anything. And please, let’s all agree that Beanies are NOT Great Grandmother’s tiara from the old country (or even close). I’m thinking we deserve some wiggle room here.
For example, could we sell them to help pay for college?
“How did we end up with Grandma’s treasured Beanies?” you ask. Apparently, when people are downsizing to a condo, the Beanie Babie collection does not make the cut of things that you must have in your new, smaller home. So you unload them on your innocent granddaughter - with stipulations.
You know, when people are thinking about what to start collecting, they should consider collecting things that have some intrinsic value, like stamps or coins. Stuff that isn’t ‘here today, in a landfill tomorrow’.
I told my daughter that her Beanie Babies must leave my house when she leaves. She tells me that she will bring them to college with her, where she will undoubtedly be branded as the crazy girl who couldn’t leave her Beanie Babie collection at home.
I have a better idea. How about I ship them all back to Grandma…
It could be worse. My youngest daughter collects beer bottle caps. (Don’t ask me, ask my husband. He started it.) When my son was little, he collected used toothbrushes – both unsanitary AND unlikely to appreciate over time. Thank goodness he moved on to coins. At least those will be worth something in 50 years.
I collect antique silver butter dishes. I have 11. I’d love to someday have a complete collection of historically correct butter storage and display ‘artifacts’ because butter is my favorite food.
Ok, so at least I realize that I sound kind of crazy. I should probably stop making fun of Beanie Babie collectors. Intrinsic value might be overrated. ‘Collecting’ might be more about fun than value.
So, anyone interested in ‘jumpstarting’ a Beanie collection? I also have five boxes of Pokemon cards…
----------------------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckle via email at http://www.laughoutloutmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2012, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT
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