Chuckle #480 | January 11th, 2012
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I’ve never been a big fan of absolutes, which is why I own one of those classic, mechanical “dial” scales. Accuracy is way over-rated when it comes to weighing in. Guestimates are the way to go. Self-delusion is even better.
Thanks to the nearly invisible needle on my scale and my increasingly poor eyesight, I have to bend all the way over to read the dial on my scale. I immediately get dizzy, start to wobble and the needle goes haywire. There’s a pretty good chance that I will one day fall off the scale, hit my head on the toilet and die naked on the floor of my bathroom.
I had hoped for a more elegant end.
Between my fear of an embarrassing death and the questionable accuracy of my weighing technique, I have only a ballpark idea of what I actually weigh. What if it’s really like 300lbs? What if the paramedics can't lift my body?
In my own mind I’m a svelte goddess, but for safety reasons it might be time to go digital.
The scale department at Bed Bath & Beyond takes up two entire aisles. Some of the scales even talk to you. These are the scales that insist on announcing your BMI to the entire store, and then cheekily suggest how much weight you should lose. All before you can figure out how to turn the volume down.
A few ‘super scales’ can even track your weight loss (or gain) over the past 5 years. They include a handy USB port so that you can download the data to your laptop and make depressing graphs and charts. This feature was definitely created by a male engineer. No woman would be this sadistic.
Women just want to fit into that pair of college jeans that sits on the top shelf of the closet collecting dust. We don’t need charts; we need a seam ripper.
The modern digital scale tries to act like your friend, but don’t be fooled. It is a cold hearted tool. No true friend would ever be so painfully blunt.
There’s no fudging the data anymore. We used to be able to employ a little harmless coping mechanism called “self-deceit”. The digital scale has changed all that. We can no longer say “aw…it’s just a couple pounds.” Our new best buddy tells us that it is exactly 7.73 pounds over the last 33.5 days.
If only it could also dispense anti-depressants.
Digital scales are complicated computer-like electronic gadgets which should be sold at Best Buy, NOT at Bed Bath where the staff merely points and grunts when asked about the graphing capabilities of the Ho-medic Platinum 3000.
Because I was overwhelmed by all the bells and whistles, I decided to choose my new scale using a proven scientific weighing-in method. First, I visited the Bed Bath ladies room to pee. I then removed EVERYTHING I could without getting arrested; my socks and shoes, jacket and sweater, even my watch. I tried all the scales to see which one clocked me in at the lowest weight and I bought it. Other features were relatively unimportant.
My new scale is even backlit, so I can weigh myself in the dark when my husband is asleep. From now on my weight will be measured to the nearest ounce, not rounded up or down to the nearest multiple of five. This kind of precision will take getting used to.
I refuse however, to activate the scale’s ‘tracking program’. There are some things that should remain a mystery, like the Shroud of Turin. A little self-delusion is good for my self-esteem.
And no matter what the new scale says…and whether or not my college jeans will EVER fit…I am still a svelte goddess. No one can take that away from me.
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Copyright 2008-2012, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT
Crisco: Not Intended for Use as a Spread
Chuckle #479 | January 4th, 2011
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The Pecan Sandy and the Brown Sugar ‘slice and bake’ don’t taste quite right unless they’re made with lard. Ever wonder why you can’t seem to replicate the awesomeness of your Great Grandmother’s cookies? Close your eyes and fetch the Tums, folks, because the answer is rendered pork fat.
It’s true though; everything does taste better with pig.
Back in 1910, someone tried to replace lard with something more convenient, healthier, and more economical. Yes, I am talking about Crisco.
Crisco has the dubious honor of being one of the first ‘imitation’ foods. It was created for use in candle making, but looked so much like lard that the inventors decided to market it as food instead. Luckily, the FDA wouldn’t exist for another 17 years. Needless to say, Ron Paul’s grandfather was an investor.
When women learned that they no longer had to spend two days wrestling with a ham hock before they could bake, they switched to Crisco in droves. Ten years later, many of those same women became widows. Yet no one made the Crisco=Coronary connection for another 50 years.
Despite the fact that the Crisco website is filled with palatable sounding recipes, human uses for Crisco are limited…or so I thought. Last week I bought my annual can of Crisco in order to make a few of my favorite “historic” holiday cookies. I was surprised to find a warning on the label. “Not intended for use as a spread.”
I hadn’t previously considered smearing my English muffin with Crisco, but other Americans have apparently entertained this thought.
Seriously America!? And I was this close to agreeing with Rick Perry (of all people) about getting rid of the Department of Education! Now I’m having second thoughts.
The company that bought Crisco from P&G in 2001 (Smuckers ‘the Suckers’ as they are now known) offers no explanation for the warning, but I bet it has something to do with the fact that Crisco liquefies at 117 degrees - not exactly a melt in your mouth temperature. I’m guessing that it is pretty easy to choke to death on Crisco if you eat it straight from the can with a spoon like peanut butter. (Though I can’t find a single reference to this phenomenon on Wikipedia.)
Or maybe teenagers have figured out how huff the hydrogen atoms out of Crisco using a bagel as an extraction medium. Teenagers are clever.
Whatever the reason for the warning, I’m pretty sure the lawyers have all scenarios covered.
Even before there was Crisco, there was margarine (a.k.a. oleo). And I think we can all agree that margarine ruined our lives. As soon as the US lifted the ban on food coloring in margarine, our parents were convinced that margarine was just as tasty, healthier, and cheaper than butter. From about 1970 through 1990, vegetable solids were all I knew.
If the Buttercup shines as brightly under your chin as it does mine, then you know how psychologically damaging those 20 years were to a delicate ‘animal fat loving’ flower like myself.
Margarine is just like Crisco but with lots of salt, yellow dye #2, a lower melting point, and a longer shelf life. It was, and is, definitely not butter. Nor was it very good for you. Crisco also used to be VERY bad for you, but the company reformulated Crisco in 2007 so that it no longer contained trans-fats. I’m guessing that the lawyer recommended “warning” label appeared at about the same time.
I sure hope the new formula still works in my home made suet recipe.
Crisco will no longer clog your arteries, but it's still a choking hazard. And for what? If you’ve scooped up a finger full of Crisco lately, you know that even the butter flavored version still tastes like Vaseline.
If you are fascinated by this discussion of lard and lard-like products and you are wondering where to find Crisco recipes, they are on the clever Crisco website. I know this because I have been looking for a recipe that will allow me to use up my Christmas Crisco before it turns that iridescent green color and starts to smell. I’m leaning towards “Old Fashioned Deep Fried Chicken” as the healthiest alternative.
Or maybe I’ll put a Crisco, Cool Whip, and American cheese sandwich in everyone’s lunch box tomorrow. If I’m serving imitation food, I might as well go whole hog. Or else BUY the hog and render up some real lard, like Grandma used to do. Then I can re-make her cookies the right way.
----------------------------------------------------
Get Your Weekly Chuckle via Email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2012, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT
scroll down to leave a comment
The Pecan Sandy and the Brown Sugar ‘slice and bake’ don’t taste quite right unless they’re made with lard. Ever wonder why you can’t seem to replicate the awesomeness of your Great Grandmother’s cookies? Close your eyes and fetch the Tums, folks, because the answer is rendered pork fat.
It’s true though; everything does taste better with pig.
Back in 1910, someone tried to replace lard with something more convenient, healthier, and more economical. Yes, I am talking about Crisco.
Crisco has the dubious honor of being one of the first ‘imitation’ foods. It was created for use in candle making, but looked so much like lard that the inventors decided to market it as food instead. Luckily, the FDA wouldn’t exist for another 17 years. Needless to say, Ron Paul’s grandfather was an investor.
When women learned that they no longer had to spend two days wrestling with a ham hock before they could bake, they switched to Crisco in droves. Ten years later, many of those same women became widows. Yet no one made the Crisco=Coronary connection for another 50 years.
Despite the fact that the Crisco website is filled with palatable sounding recipes, human uses for Crisco are limited…or so I thought. Last week I bought my annual can of Crisco in order to make a few of my favorite “historic” holiday cookies. I was surprised to find a warning on the label. “Not intended for use as a spread.”
I hadn’t previously considered smearing my English muffin with Crisco, but other Americans have apparently entertained this thought.
Seriously America!? And I was this close to agreeing with Rick Perry (of all people) about getting rid of the Department of Education! Now I’m having second thoughts.
The company that bought Crisco from P&G in 2001 (Smuckers ‘the Suckers’ as they are now known) offers no explanation for the warning, but I bet it has something to do with the fact that Crisco liquefies at 117 degrees - not exactly a melt in your mouth temperature. I’m guessing that it is pretty easy to choke to death on Crisco if you eat it straight from the can with a spoon like peanut butter. (Though I can’t find a single reference to this phenomenon on Wikipedia.)
Or maybe teenagers have figured out how huff the hydrogen atoms out of Crisco using a bagel as an extraction medium. Teenagers are clever.
Whatever the reason for the warning, I’m pretty sure the lawyers have all scenarios covered.
Even before there was Crisco, there was margarine (a.k.a. oleo). And I think we can all agree that margarine ruined our lives. As soon as the US lifted the ban on food coloring in margarine, our parents were convinced that margarine was just as tasty, healthier, and cheaper than butter. From about 1970 through 1990, vegetable solids were all I knew.
If the Buttercup shines as brightly under your chin as it does mine, then you know how psychologically damaging those 20 years were to a delicate ‘animal fat loving’ flower like myself.
Margarine is just like Crisco but with lots of salt, yellow dye #2, a lower melting point, and a longer shelf life. It was, and is, definitely not butter. Nor was it very good for you. Crisco also used to be VERY bad for you, but the company reformulated Crisco in 2007 so that it no longer contained trans-fats. I’m guessing that the lawyer recommended “warning” label appeared at about the same time.
I sure hope the new formula still works in my home made suet recipe.
Crisco will no longer clog your arteries, but it's still a choking hazard. And for what? If you’ve scooped up a finger full of Crisco lately, you know that even the butter flavored version still tastes like Vaseline.
If you are fascinated by this discussion of lard and lard-like products and you are wondering where to find Crisco recipes, they are on the clever Crisco website. I know this because I have been looking for a recipe that will allow me to use up my Christmas Crisco before it turns that iridescent green color and starts to smell. I’m leaning towards “Old Fashioned Deep Fried Chicken” as the healthiest alternative.
Or maybe I’ll put a Crisco, Cool Whip, and American cheese sandwich in everyone’s lunch box tomorrow. If I’m serving imitation food, I might as well go whole hog. Or else BUY the hog and render up some real lard, like Grandma used to do. Then I can re-make her cookies the right way.
----------------------------------------------------
Get Your Weekly Chuckle via Email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2012, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT
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