Crisco: Not Intended for Use as a Spread

Chuckle #479 | January 4th, 2011
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The Pecan Sandy and the Brown Sugar ‘slice and bake’ don’t taste quite right unless they’re made with lard. Ever wonder why you can’t seem to replicate the awesomeness of your Great Grandmother’s cookies? Close your eyes and fetch the Tums, folks, because the answer is rendered pork fat.

It’s true though; everything does taste better with pig.

Back in 1910, someone tried to replace lard with something more convenient, healthier, and more economical. Yes, I am talking about Crisco.

Crisco has the dubious honor of being one of the first ‘imitation’ foods. It was created for use in candle making, but looked so much like lard that the inventors decided to market it as food instead. Luckily, the FDA wouldn’t exist for another 17 years. Needless to say, Ron Paul’s grandfather was an investor.

When women learned that they no longer had to spend two days wrestling with a ham hock before they could bake, they switched to Crisco in droves. Ten years later, many of those same women became widows. Yet no one made the Crisco=Coronary connection for another 50 years.

Despite the fact that the Crisco website is filled with palatable sounding recipes, human uses for Crisco are limited…or so I thought. Last week I bought my annual can of Crisco in order to make a few of my favorite “historic” holiday cookies. I was surprised to find a warning on the label. “Not intended for use as a spread.”

I hadn’t previously considered smearing my English muffin with Crisco, but other Americans have apparently entertained this thought.

Seriously America!? And I was this close to agreeing with Rick Perry (of all people) about getting rid of the Department of Education! Now I’m having second thoughts.

The company that bought Crisco from P&G in 2001 (Smuckers ‘the Suckers’ as they are now known) offers no explanation for the warning, but I bet it has something to do with the fact that Crisco liquefies at 117 degrees - not exactly a melt in your mouth temperature. I’m guessing that it is pretty easy to choke to death on Crisco if you eat it straight from the can with a spoon like peanut butter. (Though I can’t find a single reference to this phenomenon on Wikipedia.)

Or maybe teenagers have figured out how huff the hydrogen atoms out of Crisco using a bagel as an extraction medium. Teenagers are clever.

Whatever the reason for the warning, I’m pretty sure the lawyers have all scenarios covered.

Even before there was Crisco, there was margarine (a.k.a. oleo). And I think we can all agree that margarine ruined our lives. As soon as the US lifted the ban on food coloring in margarine, our parents were convinced that margarine was just as tasty, healthier, and cheaper than butter. From about 1970 through 1990, vegetable solids were all I knew.

If the Buttercup shines as brightly under your chin as it does mine, then you know how psychologically damaging those 20 years were to a delicate ‘animal fat loving’ flower like myself.

Margarine is just like Crisco but with lots of salt, yellow dye #2, a lower melting point, and a longer shelf life. It was, and is, definitely not butter. Nor was it very good for you. Crisco also used to be VERY bad for you, but the company reformulated Crisco in 2007 so that it no longer contained trans-fats. I’m guessing that the lawyer recommended “warning” label appeared at about the same time.

I sure hope the new formula still works in my home made suet recipe.

Crisco will no longer clog your arteries, but it's still a choking hazard. And for what? If you’ve scooped up a finger full of Crisco lately, you know that even the butter flavored version still tastes like Vaseline.

If you are fascinated by this discussion of lard and lard-like products and you are wondering where to find Crisco recipes, they are on the clever Crisco website. I know this because I have been looking for a recipe that will allow me to use up my Christmas Crisco before it turns that iridescent green color and starts to smell. I’m leaning towards “Old Fashioned Deep Fried Chicken” as the healthiest alternative.

Or maybe I’ll put a Crisco, Cool Whip, and American cheese sandwich in everyone’s lunch box tomorrow. If I’m serving imitation food, I might as well go whole hog. Or else BUY the hog and render up some real lard, like Grandma used to do. Then I can re-make her cookies the right way.
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