"Scaling" Back on Technology

Chuckle #480 | January 11th, 2012
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I’ve never been a big fan of absolutes, which is why I own one of those classic, mechanical “dial” scales. Accuracy is way over-rated when it comes to weighing in. Guestimates are the way to go. Self-delusion is even better.

Thanks to the nearly invisible needle on my scale and my increasingly poor eyesight, I have to bend all the way over to read the dial on my scale. I immediately get dizzy, start to wobble and the needle goes haywire. There’s a pretty good chance that I will one day fall off the scale, hit my head on the toilet and die naked on the floor of my bathroom.

I had hoped for a more elegant end.

Between my fear of an embarrassing death and the questionable accuracy of my weighing technique, I have only a ballpark idea of what I actually weigh. What if it’s really like 300lbs? What if the paramedics can't lift my body?

In my own mind I’m a svelte goddess, but for safety reasons it might be time to go digital.

The scale department at Bed Bath & Beyond takes up two entire aisles. Some of the scales even talk to you. These are the scales that insist on announcing your BMI to the entire store, and then cheekily suggest how much weight you should lose.  All before you can figure out how to turn the volume down.

A few ‘super scales’ can even track your weight loss (or gain) over the past 5 years. They include a handy USB port so that you can download the data to your laptop and make depressing graphs and charts. This feature was definitely created by a male engineer. No woman would be this sadistic.

Women just want to fit into that pair of college jeans that sits on the top shelf of the closet collecting dust. We don’t need charts; we need a seam ripper.

The modern digital scale tries to act like your friend, but don’t be fooled. It is a cold hearted tool. No true friend would ever be so painfully blunt.

There’s no fudging the data anymore. We used to be able to employ a little harmless coping mechanism called “self-deceit”. The digital scale has changed all that. We can no longer say “aw…it’s just a couple pounds.” Our new best buddy tells us that it is exactly 7.73 pounds over the last 33.5 days.

If only it could also dispense anti-depressants.

Digital scales are complicated computer-like electronic gadgets which should be sold at Best Buy, NOT at Bed Bath where the staff merely points and grunts when asked about the graphing capabilities of the Ho-medic Platinum 3000.

Because I was overwhelmed by all the bells and whistles, I decided to choose my new scale using a proven scientific weighing-in method. First, I visited the Bed Bath ladies room to pee. I then removed EVERYTHING I could without getting arrested; my socks and shoes, jacket and sweater, even my watch. I tried all the scales to see which one clocked me in at the lowest weight and I bought it. Other features were relatively unimportant.

My new scale is even backlit, so I can weigh myself in the dark when my husband is asleep. From now on my weight will be measured to the nearest ounce, not rounded up or down to the nearest multiple of five. This kind of precision will take getting used to.

I refuse however, to activate the scale’s ‘tracking program’. There are some things that should remain a mystery, like the Shroud of Turin. A little self-delusion is good for my self-esteem.

And no matter what the new scale says…and whether or not my college jeans will EVER fit…I am still a svelte goddess.  No one can take that away from me.
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