Blaming Einstein is "Relatively" Easy

Chuckle #413 | July 14th, 2010
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I have a “pile” on my kitchen counter. You know exactly what it looks like because you have one too. (I’d be willing to bet my third born child that you do.) Our piles are big, messy collections of random “stuff”. Stuff that we are not quite ready to throw out, or simply don’t want to lose. In addition to important documents, my pile often includes junk mail, empty candy wrappers, expired coupons and dead batteries. It’s your basic kitchen counter flotsam.

Messy piles are NOT, as some might insinuate, the result of mom’s laziness or incompetence. Only science can fully explain how a “pile” is born. Einstein's got my back on this...

Einstein’s very clever “Theory of Relativity” (sort of) implies that individual items left on a counter will gravitate towards each other, forming the nascent beginnings of a “pile.” The pile will continue to expand (like the universe) ad infinitum. Meanwhile the items that join the pile will remain bound together in “pile” stasis until a greater force is exerted upon them, such as when I finally FLIP OUT at the mess, frighten the kids by acting all crazy, and start burning stuff in the fire-pit.

I offer you three truisms about “piles”. See if you agree…

1. Pretty much anything left on a kitchen counter will eventually be absorbed into a “pile”, including food and pets.
2. The “pile” never shrinks of its own volition, it only grows.
3. Men will never search through the “pile” for something they have lost, no matter how important it may be to them. This drives all wives crazy, without exception.

Eventually these “piles” grow too big to ignore. When the pile becomes an amorphous blob, consuming children and threatening access to the coffee maker, you’ve GOT to do something. Coffee is THAT important. Without coffee there would be extreme dysfunction in my home. I bet even Einstein drank 3 cups a day.

Since I’m almost never in the mood to spend a half a day sorting, filing, tossing and recycling, I usually just put my overgrown pile somewhere out of sight and out of mind. Speaking from experience, I DO NOT recommend this approach to home organization.

Moving the pile is never optimal, even if you are desperately trying to get ready for a really important dinner party. The emancipation and joy you feel will be brief, because moving the pile invariably results in your gas or electricity being cut off and the inability to purchase movies on demand. Utility companies, especially cable, are notoriously cranky about being paid on time.

There is hope, however. I think the piles in my house will finally begin to shrink when the kids leave home and the sheer volume of paper stuff entering my house is reduced. But I don’t think we’ll ever be completely free of “the pile” until we successfully deforest the planet - and eliminate the means to make paper.

So hand me a chain saw, or make everyone go paperless. I’m way too tired to file the pile. And Einstein, disappointingly, offers only theories, not solutions.
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Polygamy for Feminists

Chuckle #412 | July 7th, 2010
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Is polygamy wrong? It’s certainly illegal in the good old USA, though still practiced here and in 100 other countries. Illegal, legal, wrong or right, polygamy keeps rearing its happy little head. I think the concept is utterly fascinating. Besides, its mere existence gives the fading flame of feminism a badly needed fanning.

Can’t we all admit to a little prurient curiosity about how polygamy works in practice? Be honest with yourself. Surely you read the People magazine expose about the break-away Mormon family/cult /sect of 500 uncovered in Texas, if only in the grocery store line (like me.) Surely you want to know how a group of women shares one man. Or in fairness, how a group of men might share one wife.

I do. (And please don’t tell me I’m alone.)

Men are always complaining about their wives…how much they talk, how much they spend on their hair, how much they nag…so what does a guy get out of an arrangement like this, other than a few extra mouths to feed, a cleaner house, and perfectly starched shirts?

Don’t answer that if you are a man.

Brady Udall just came out with a new book called The Lonely Polygamist. It is a work of fiction for sure, because the emasculated protagonist complains too much about the demands of child-making, and the wives are in charge of everything. Since none of that rings true, I’m pretty sure he didn’t interview any actually polygynists for background research. But that won’t stop me from reading the book. There are some things I just need to know. And books like this, along with People Magazine are happy to oblige. So if you have a 6th grade reading level or above, feel free to join me.

I’m definitely not interested in being one of 5 wives, but if I wasn’t already happily married, I would be interested in having a few extra husbands around, a la polyandry.

I’d like to see my hubby “to do” list wiped out by my four husbands in a single weekend. Imagine how much stuff four handy guys could get done around the house. Presuming two weren’t getting their hair and nails done. Staggering amounts. Projects galore. My handyman harem would ROCK my world.

Then again, after coming home from a long day at work, I might find it difficult to listen with genuine interest as four guys described all the awesome chores they got done, while caring for our 10 children. But as a loving spouse, I would do it. The real problem might lie in the bedroom department…the pre-nup(s) would definitely have to ban the use of Viagra, and subscriptions to Hustler.

I wonder if we would all sit together around the dinner table as one big happy family? That could be weird. Would I limit the number of children that I would bear each husband? What if one husband was handier than the others, would I subconsciously favor that husband over the others? Would they bicker?

I don’t know. The more I think about trying to make polygamy work, the less I want to try it at all. Since the only real benefit seems to be getting more stuff done around the house, maybe I should just manage my current husband’s project list more efficiently.That would be a lot simpler than managing four spouses.

The extreme feminist in me would probably give polyandry a try. Luckily I’m way too lazy to make the effort.
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