Chuckle #471 | October 26th, 2011
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I just can’t take it anymore. My seven-seater SUV drains a tank of gas faster than two moms can empty a bottle of chardonnay. Yes, that fast. Semiweekly $60 dollar “fill-ups” are giving me heart palpitations. I’m this close to making the ultimate American sacrifice - family automotive comfort for better gas mileage. But how?
When I was a kid we crawled around in a faux wood-paneled Pontiac station wagon the size of a small mountain range. It didn’t just seat 6, it SLEPT six.
Most American families can’t bring themselves to squeeze into a sedan like Europeans do because we were raised on cheap gas and the idea that BIGGER is better. As a result we have serious personal space issues which effectively prevent us from buying smaller cars.
Besides, every parent knows that if you pack three kids in the back seat of a standard size sedan, one of them will not survive. This is why the third row seat is so critical for longer trips.
I love my children, but is that third row worth the cost?
You may have noticed that your family “people mover” never achieves the official EPA “city” MPG. This is because the EPA does not test cars using a realistic approximation of how a mom with three children, each having 8 different activities, actually drives during her 5 hours on the road each day.
For example, a one way trip to the high school to drop off a forgotten musical instrument is 3 miles, takes me 8 minutes, never exceeds 24 MPH, and has exactly 23 stops. That’s nearly four times the number of stops in the EPA test. No mom will EVER achieve the official “city” MPG, so don’t be fooled into thinking that your Suburban is going to get its stickered 10 MPG around town. You’ll be lucky to get six. Try doing that math in your head without crying.
I’m ready for a new car I’m almost entirely focused on mileage.
My first car was a 1974 red MG midget with dual carburetors and a dazzling amount of chrome. It wouldn’t start in the rain and if I drove through a puddle the engine died. I couldn’t care less about reliability or MPG. That car was the coolest thing in the high school parking lot.
Now I want a car that gets wildly exciting gas mileage but is at the same time worthy of a glamorous Grace Kelly head-wrap and movie star shades.
That car doesn’t currently exist.
The incredibly adorable Mini Cooper and Fiat 500 only get 28 MPG city AND take premium gas. I had high hopes for the puppy-like Toyota IQ, but Toyota brought it to the US getting only 36 MPG instead of 50. Such a shame.
But wait! Come 2012 there are a slew of new cars hitting the market. The one I’ve got my eye on now is the Prius “c”. Yes, it is tiny. No, it is NOT adorable. After introducing a cool concept design, Toyota engineers lost their nerve and went into production with a safer “honey I shrunk the Prius” strategy.
But with pundits projecting up to $5 a gallon for gas in 2012, I’m willing to give up some Euro-cool for something even better - 60 MPG. A teetotaler compared to my SUV.
Now if only my friend will let me wear my new scarf and sunglasses in her chrome bedazzled Mini.
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Get your Weekly Chuckle via email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2011, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT
"Extreme Couponing" can be Extremely Unhealthy
Chuckle #470 | October 19th, 2011
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The tense, skinny blond chewed nervously on her thumb as the checkout girl rang up the last of 387 Tic Tac containers. The final total was $683.67 and included 50 jars of pickle relish. The crowd behind the register gasped. The blond took a deep breath and tried to act shocked.
The camera panned to the checkout girl who, on cue, paused momentously before asking, “Do you have any coupons?”
If at this point you aren’t perched at the edge of your couch and practically peeing in your pants from suspense, then maybe the new reality show Extreme Couponing is not for you.
It isn’t easy to make a TV show out of an activity that lacks conflict of any kind. To heighten the drama, the director has the coupon “star” hand over their coupons in three separate piles. This allows them to drag out the most entertaining part of the show (which by the way, is NOT when they fill two entire shopping carts with sanitary pads and tampons.) The real excitement comes from watching the register “ka-ching” in reverse, from $683.87 down to $21.62. Heady stuff.
Don’t get me wrong. I use coupons a lot. There is nothing I like better than getting free tampons, especially if they are the right brand, the right size, and feature the old style cardboard “injector”. None of that new-fangled plastic for me.
I totally respect the ingenuity of extreme couponers. They put a lot of time and effort into acquiring expensive packaged goods for mere pennies. The brand managers at Proctor and Gamble must be horrified and yet, oddly titillated.
Seriously, if I were addicted to Tic Tacs – which are expensive for a relatively tiny mint - I too would go out of my way to stockpile 1000 containers if I could get them for a nickel each.
On the other hand, many of the folks who appear on Extreme Couponing seem to be walking a fine line between unhealthy stockpiling and outright hoarding. They’ll move their kids into a tent in the backyard while racks and racks of laundry detergent and two liter bottles of orange soda take over the rest of the house.
There is something slightly terrifying about how people behave on this show.
I think there is more than just a little OCD (and brand brainwashing) involved when a person feels compelled to buy 200 bottles of Windex when they could make the same amount of glass cleaner with a gallon of vinegar.
Then there are the health issues to consider.
The Department of Health and Human Services is at this very moment battling a bizarre outbreak of scurvy among school children. Could this be related to the fact that newspaper inserts rarely include coupons for fresh fruits or vegetables while Devil Dogs and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese are practically free?
Most people would normally avoid foods that are 90% fat or have enough sodium to melt a slug, but triple coupons somehow pervert and distort the marketplace.
I see people achieving some pretty impressive savings on Extreme Couponing, but at what price? I wouldn’t feed most of that stuff to my kids unless I secretly wanted to get rid of them.
Now there’s a thought. If I offed the kids I’d be saving on more than just my grocery bill. Like on college tuition for example.
Maybe Extreme Couponing is onto something after all. I might tune into the season finale just to see if any of the kids on the show survive living outside all winter on a diet of Twinkies and Coke.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckle via email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2011, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT
scroll down to leave a comment
The tense, skinny blond chewed nervously on her thumb as the checkout girl rang up the last of 387 Tic Tac containers. The final total was $683.67 and included 50 jars of pickle relish. The crowd behind the register gasped. The blond took a deep breath and tried to act shocked.
The camera panned to the checkout girl who, on cue, paused momentously before asking, “Do you have any coupons?”
If at this point you aren’t perched at the edge of your couch and practically peeing in your pants from suspense, then maybe the new reality show Extreme Couponing is not for you.
It isn’t easy to make a TV show out of an activity that lacks conflict of any kind. To heighten the drama, the director has the coupon “star” hand over their coupons in three separate piles. This allows them to drag out the most entertaining part of the show (which by the way, is NOT when they fill two entire shopping carts with sanitary pads and tampons.) The real excitement comes from watching the register “ka-ching” in reverse, from $683.87 down to $21.62. Heady stuff.
Don’t get me wrong. I use coupons a lot. There is nothing I like better than getting free tampons, especially if they are the right brand, the right size, and feature the old style cardboard “injector”. None of that new-fangled plastic for me.
I totally respect the ingenuity of extreme couponers. They put a lot of time and effort into acquiring expensive packaged goods for mere pennies. The brand managers at Proctor and Gamble must be horrified and yet, oddly titillated.
Seriously, if I were addicted to Tic Tacs – which are expensive for a relatively tiny mint - I too would go out of my way to stockpile 1000 containers if I could get them for a nickel each.
On the other hand, many of the folks who appear on Extreme Couponing seem to be walking a fine line between unhealthy stockpiling and outright hoarding. They’ll move their kids into a tent in the backyard while racks and racks of laundry detergent and two liter bottles of orange soda take over the rest of the house.
There is something slightly terrifying about how people behave on this show.
I think there is more than just a little OCD (and brand brainwashing) involved when a person feels compelled to buy 200 bottles of Windex when they could make the same amount of glass cleaner with a gallon of vinegar.
Then there are the health issues to consider.
The Department of Health and Human Services is at this very moment battling a bizarre outbreak of scurvy among school children. Could this be related to the fact that newspaper inserts rarely include coupons for fresh fruits or vegetables while Devil Dogs and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese are practically free?
Most people would normally avoid foods that are 90% fat or have enough sodium to melt a slug, but triple coupons somehow pervert and distort the marketplace.
I see people achieving some pretty impressive savings on Extreme Couponing, but at what price? I wouldn’t feed most of that stuff to my kids unless I secretly wanted to get rid of them.
Now there’s a thought. If I offed the kids I’d be saving on more than just my grocery bill. Like on college tuition for example.
Maybe Extreme Couponing is onto something after all. I might tune into the season finale just to see if any of the kids on the show survive living outside all winter on a diet of Twinkies and Coke.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckle via email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2011, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT
World's Smallest Handcuffs
Chuckle #469 | October 5th, 2011
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Just like marriage and tattoos, inscriptions are forever. So when you’re deciding what tender words or sassy saying to engrave on your wedding band, choose carefully. You’ll be staring at these words for many years to come and you don’t want to regret “My Hubby’s a Hottie!” 15 years from now when your booty starts to sag and he’s got a Hindenburg belly.
Unlike a lot of couples, my husband and I never found the time to get our wedding bands engraved before we got married. Thank goodness. If we HAD, we’d now be stuck with one of those cutesy adorable lovey-dovey sayings that are popular with newlyweds. Now that we know each other better we can inscribe something more meaningful, or dare I say more accurate, on our bands.
But what?
After 20 years of marriage, there are a LOT of things I could say about our love, tolerance and devotion to each other. Not all of them should be etched in gold however.
If we “texted” our inscription, we could fit an entire Shakespearian sonnet on our rings. Romantic right? While this is tempting, I prefer to keep these things short and sweet, like my husband. Here are a few of the options I’ve come up with to honor our 20 years of marriage. Tell me what you think.
1) OMG 20 yrs!
2) I’m His, He’s Mine, then I nearly lost my mind
3) Put me back on or you’ll forget where I am
4) Ex Amore, Tres Vitae
5) World’s Smallest Handcuffs
6) Come live with me and be my love. Marlowe
I can’t decide between something really sappy; something clever and ironic; or something literary. I like Latin because it never fails to make a person sound classy and intelligent. But it can also be cold and austere, and that’s not the ‘love aura’ I’m going for.
Lately I’ve been thinking that it would be nice to choose a line from our wedding song. I understand that this can work well, as long as you weren’t grooving to the Sex Pistols. Our wedding song was Elton John’s Your Song. Very tasteful and innuendo-free.
What do you think of something like this?
How Wonderful Life is… (my ring)
…While You’re in the World. (his ring)
I think this has just the right amount of sappiness without being trite. It would stand the test of time. I would be happy with Elton and Bernie on my ring, but would my husband?
As a baseball fan, my husband might prefer the classic Yogi Berra quote, “it ain’t over till it’s over”. Or how about…
He’s My Grand Slam
She’s My Perfect Game
If only our wedding song had been "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" that would SO work.
To be honest, this inscription thing is keeping me up at night. Who knew it would be so hard to choose a quote to both represent and commemorate 20 years of marriage? Talk about pressure.
Long ago my husband carved his way into my heart, and yes, he is STILL a hottie! Maybe that's what I should have etched in gold after all.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckle via email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2011, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT, Cathleen Blood
scroll down to leave a comment
Just like marriage and tattoos, inscriptions are forever. So when you’re deciding what tender words or sassy saying to engrave on your wedding band, choose carefully. You’ll be staring at these words for many years to come and you don’t want to regret “My Hubby’s a Hottie!” 15 years from now when your booty starts to sag and he’s got a Hindenburg belly.
Unlike a lot of couples, my husband and I never found the time to get our wedding bands engraved before we got married. Thank goodness. If we HAD, we’d now be stuck with one of those cutesy adorable lovey-dovey sayings that are popular with newlyweds. Now that we know each other better we can inscribe something more meaningful, or dare I say more accurate, on our bands.
But what?
After 20 years of marriage, there are a LOT of things I could say about our love, tolerance and devotion to each other. Not all of them should be etched in gold however.
If we “texted” our inscription, we could fit an entire Shakespearian sonnet on our rings. Romantic right? While this is tempting, I prefer to keep these things short and sweet, like my husband. Here are a few of the options I’ve come up with to honor our 20 years of marriage. Tell me what you think.
1) OMG 20 yrs!
2) I’m His, He’s Mine, then I nearly lost my mind
3) Put me back on or you’ll forget where I am
4) Ex Amore, Tres Vitae
5) World’s Smallest Handcuffs
6) Come live with me and be my love. Marlowe
I can’t decide between something really sappy; something clever and ironic; or something literary. I like Latin because it never fails to make a person sound classy and intelligent. But it can also be cold and austere, and that’s not the ‘love aura’ I’m going for.
Lately I’ve been thinking that it would be nice to choose a line from our wedding song. I understand that this can work well, as long as you weren’t grooving to the Sex Pistols. Our wedding song was Elton John’s Your Song. Very tasteful and innuendo-free.
What do you think of something like this?
How Wonderful Life is… (my ring)
…While You’re in the World. (his ring)
I think this has just the right amount of sappiness without being trite. It would stand the test of time. I would be happy with Elton and Bernie on my ring, but would my husband?
As a baseball fan, my husband might prefer the classic Yogi Berra quote, “it ain’t over till it’s over”. Or how about…
He’s My Grand Slam
She’s My Perfect Game
If only our wedding song had been "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" that would SO work.
To be honest, this inscription thing is keeping me up at night. Who knew it would be so hard to choose a quote to both represent and commemorate 20 years of marriage? Talk about pressure.
Long ago my husband carved his way into my heart, and yes, he is STILL a hottie! Maybe that's what I should have etched in gold after all.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckle via email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2011, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT, Cathleen Blood
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