Purgatory by the Dashboard Light

Chuckle #471 | October 26th, 2011
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I just can’t take it anymore. My seven-seater SUV drains a tank of gas faster than two moms can empty a bottle of chardonnay. Yes, that fast. Semiweekly $60 dollar “fill-ups” are giving me heart palpitations. I’m this close to making the ultimate American sacrifice - family automotive comfort for better gas mileage. But how?

When I was a kid we crawled around in a faux wood-paneled Pontiac station wagon the size of a small mountain range. It didn’t just seat 6, it SLEPT six.

Most American families can’t bring themselves to squeeze into a sedan like Europeans do because we were raised on cheap gas and the idea that BIGGER is better. As a result we have serious personal space issues which effectively prevent us from buying smaller cars.

Besides, every parent knows that if you pack three kids in the back seat of a standard size sedan, one of them will not survive. This is why the third row seat is so critical for longer trips.

I love my children, but is that third row worth the cost?

You may have noticed that your family “people mover” never achieves the official EPA “city” MPG. This is because the EPA does not test cars using a realistic approximation of how a mom with three children, each having 8 different activities, actually drives during her 5 hours on the road each day.

For example, a one way trip to the high school to drop off a forgotten musical instrument is 3 miles, takes me 8 minutes, never exceeds 24 MPH, and has exactly 23 stops. That’s nearly four times the number of stops in the EPA test. No mom will EVER achieve the official “city” MPG, so don’t be fooled into thinking that your Suburban is going to get its stickered 10 MPG around town. You’ll be lucky to get six. Try doing that math in your head without crying.

I’m ready for a new car I’m almost entirely focused on mileage.

My first car was a 1974 red MG midget with dual carburetors and a dazzling amount of chrome. It wouldn’t start in the rain and if I drove through a puddle the engine died. I couldn’t care less about reliability or MPG. That car was the coolest thing in the high school parking lot.

Now I want a car that gets wildly exciting gas mileage but is at the same time worthy of a glamorous Grace Kelly head-wrap and movie star shades.

That car doesn’t currently exist.

The incredibly adorable Mini Cooper and Fiat 500 only get 28 MPG city AND take premium gas. I had high hopes for the puppy-like Toyota IQ, but Toyota brought it to the US getting only 36 MPG instead of 50. Such a shame.

But wait! Come 2012 there are a slew of new cars hitting the market. The one I’ve got my eye on now is the Prius “c”. Yes, it is tiny. No, it is NOT adorable. After introducing a cool concept design, Toyota engineers lost their nerve and went into production with a safer “honey I shrunk the Prius” strategy.

But with pundits projecting up to $5 a gallon for gas in 2012, I’m willing to give up some Euro-cool for something even better - 60 MPG. A teetotaler compared to my SUV.

Now if only my friend will let me wear my new scarf and sunglasses in her chrome bedazzled Mini.

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