Chuckle #449 | April 27th, 2011
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Men don’t “get” women. We are full of mystery and subterfuge and many guys won’t even try to crack that nut. But even the most Neanderthal husband knows enough to start worrying when his woman gets that little contemplative “knitted brow” look. They know something is up, they just don’t know what, and that can be scary for men.
But women really aren’t that complicated. Nine times out of ten what women think about when they are staring off into space is redecorating - paint, tile, wallpaper….maybe even an addition. OK, so maybe that is a little scary.
Lucky for guys, most women don’t have the money or energy to constantly decorate, so we do so vicariously. We read magazines; we go on house tours; and when we just can’t resist any longer, we buy accessories. But the BEST way to sate the decorating “junkie” within (without financial outlay or physical exertion) is with House and Garden Television.
HGTV is “lady crack”. It’s a triple shot, estrogen-enhanced video latte. And that’s not just the female histrionics talking. The fairytale goes something like this…Once upon-a-time a bunch of seriously smart people got together and said, “what if we brought valium back, but instead of a pill the delivery mechanism was cable TV?” And thus HGTV was born.
Halleluiah. Raise the roof. Woo woo. Does that even come close to conveying how much I love HGTV?
My husband is flummoxed by my HGTV “habit”. Why would an otherwise intelligent person like me watch so much bad TV? His disappointment in me is palpable. But I can’t stop. I think that a show about re-arranging your furniture is pure genius. To my husband the same show is more like Chinese water torture.
Funny, I feel the same way about watching baseball.
What men don’t realize is that they should be eternally thankful for HGTV. For one, it keeps us women watching instead of doing. Those savings not only pay the cable bill, but will eventually put a couple of kids through community college. And as I get closer and closer to a serious midlife crisis, watching International House Hunters is the only thing that keeps me from running off to Fiji.
Well, that and the three kids. (I do have some sense left.)
My husband claims I have an “illness”. I think my HGTV watching is more of a harmless pastime than a serious addiction. Like my afternoon piece of Dove chocolate or my collection of flavored vodkas.
Husbands should be thankful when wives take an interest in making the family house “a home”. Husbands who like sleeping indoors should also not get all up in my grill about what I choose to watch on TV. This is especially true when said husband’s own life is RULED by Yankees baseball in a decidedly unhealthy way.
In the interest of marital bliss I FULLY support and even encourage my husband’s Derek Jeter infatuation. I just want a little quid pro quo. Or a vacation house in sunny, goat infested Nicaragua…my husband’s choice of course.
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Copyright 2008-2011, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT - All rights reserved
Seeking Toga Parties & other Temporal Pursuits
Chuckle #448 | April 13th, 2011
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If there is one thing I’ve learned from visiting colleges with my son, it is that college is totally wasted on the young. Campus tour guides clearly have a sadistic streak. They make college sound SO AWESOME, that I want to go back – forget about sending my kids.
After hearing all about college life today, which at most schools seems to include a “Condom Carnival”, I honestly don’t think I made the most of my college experience my first time around.
I certainly didn’t pay enough attention (given what’s going on in the world) to my famous professor of Iran/Iraq Relations. It is possible that I spent too much of my time trying to figure out what fluid mixes best with cheap vodka and agitating for a new waffle maker for the cafeteria. You know, the important stuff.
And I was one of the more “academic” kids on campus.
How many 18 year olds are really ready for a great “intellectual awakening”? How many 45 year olds are? Comparatively speaking, a lot. We old folks would lap college life up. We’re ready to do college all over again. We are starved for intellectual stimulation and are tired of dinner parties dominating our social scene.
Whatever happened to tiki bars and toga parties? When exactly did life become so darn civilized?
Picture us back at college...
“Ding Dong” dorm party tonight? No thanks, my back is acting up and I've got that big Beowulf recital tomorrow. Old English bites.
Panty Raid? Sorry, I’m going to that lecture at the Women’s Center “Hermaphrodite Heroes of the Civil War”.
Martini pong tournament on Tuesday? Now you’re talking. What time?
Yeah, college sure would be different at age 47, and not just because I can’t keep my eyes open past 11PM.
My parents spent a lot of cold hard cash to send me to college, and I’m about to do the same thing for my kids. I sure hope they understand what an incredible gift this is, and savor/maximize every moment. I wish I had. Or maybe I did, but I just can’t remember.
The problem with youth is that it is so FLEETING, and then regret sets in.
Going back to college may SOUND appealing, but to be honest, I really don’t want to pull any all-nighters, write any 30 page papers, or be put on the spot in a seminar class full of smug valedictorian braniacs.
Would I really be capable of cramming 300 dense pages of a professor’s self-published textbook, then expounding intelligently on the underlying themes? I have my doubts.
I think I could sate this “back to school” urge by auditing a college class or two. I’ll be that creepy old person sitting in the front row of the lecture hall, looking eager. FYI, I’ll be the only one not taking notes on a tablet.
A few of my friends are also pining to return to school, but not as students. Their plan is to go back as professors. Of course they want to be the “cool” professor who gets invited out for beers by their students.
Or they are really well liked, maybe even to the condom carnival.
-----------------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckle online at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2010, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT, all rights reserved
scroll down to leave a comment
If there is one thing I’ve learned from visiting colleges with my son, it is that college is totally wasted on the young. Campus tour guides clearly have a sadistic streak. They make college sound SO AWESOME, that I want to go back – forget about sending my kids.
After hearing all about college life today, which at most schools seems to include a “Condom Carnival”, I honestly don’t think I made the most of my college experience my first time around.
I certainly didn’t pay enough attention (given what’s going on in the world) to my famous professor of Iran/Iraq Relations. It is possible that I spent too much of my time trying to figure out what fluid mixes best with cheap vodka and agitating for a new waffle maker for the cafeteria. You know, the important stuff.
And I was one of the more “academic” kids on campus.
How many 18 year olds are really ready for a great “intellectual awakening”? How many 45 year olds are? Comparatively speaking, a lot. We old folks would lap college life up. We’re ready to do college all over again. We are starved for intellectual stimulation and are tired of dinner parties dominating our social scene.
Whatever happened to tiki bars and toga parties? When exactly did life become so darn civilized?
Picture us back at college...
“Ding Dong” dorm party tonight? No thanks, my back is acting up and I've got that big Beowulf recital tomorrow. Old English bites.
Panty Raid? Sorry, I’m going to that lecture at the Women’s Center “Hermaphrodite Heroes of the Civil War”.
Martini pong tournament on Tuesday? Now you’re talking. What time?
Yeah, college sure would be different at age 47, and not just because I can’t keep my eyes open past 11PM.
My parents spent a lot of cold hard cash to send me to college, and I’m about to do the same thing for my kids. I sure hope they understand what an incredible gift this is, and savor/maximize every moment. I wish I had. Or maybe I did, but I just can’t remember.
The problem with youth is that it is so FLEETING, and then regret sets in.
Going back to college may SOUND appealing, but to be honest, I really don’t want to pull any all-nighters, write any 30 page papers, or be put on the spot in a seminar class full of smug valedictorian braniacs.
Would I really be capable of cramming 300 dense pages of a professor’s self-published textbook, then expounding intelligently on the underlying themes? I have my doubts.
I think I could sate this “back to school” urge by auditing a college class or two. I’ll be that creepy old person sitting in the front row of the lecture hall, looking eager. FYI, I’ll be the only one not taking notes on a tablet.
A few of my friends are also pining to return to school, but not as students. Their plan is to go back as professors. Of course they want to be the “cool” professor who gets invited out for beers by their students.
Or they are really well liked, maybe even to the condom carnival.
-----------------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckle online at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2010, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT, all rights reserved
My "Projects" Runneth Over
Chuckle #447 | April 6th, 2011
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Finishing the “projects” I’ve started could easily take the rest of my life. And that’s assuming some rather generous increases in average life expectancy over the next 20 years. Part of my problem is that I’m so darn Yankee cheap that I always think that I can make something for less than it would cost to buy.
Of course my homemade stuff is only cheaper if you assume that my time is free and that my husband is a bottomless pit of supportive love, money and patience.
So far so good.
I take on most projects to “save” money (though an honest look at actual costs might prove that the savings, if any, are nominal.) But you can’t put a price on the fact that everything I make is by definition Made in America, no matter how BUTT ugly.
But crafting is not always about saving money. Sometimes I “create” just for the joy of it and for the thrill of repurposing something I picked up from the dump. Those are the most dangerous projects of all because 1) I am not a visionary like Martha Stewart; and 2) I failed Home Economics in 7th grade.
Let’s just say that I am VERY good at gathering all the required supplies for a project idea. I am TERRIBLE at execution. When it comes time to break out the scissors, the glue gun or the chain saw, that’s right about when I start to lose interest.
For a while now I have suspected that I suffer from a mild form of ADD because of the number of projects I have in “craft limbo”. But if not finishing craft projects is some kind of disorder, I’m guessing that I am not alone.
I’m also pretty sure that the sheer vastness of my incomplete project universe is slowly driving my husband nuts. (And that’s without him knowing what’s hidden in the garage.) But every few years I manage to redeem myself by making something that looks reasonably attractive; often surprising us both.
Then I tell him that I just saved $500 over what that same item would have cost at Sotheby's. Financial “spin” is what keeps my craft orgy afloat.
I know you are desperate to know what I’m currently “working” on so here’s a sample…
Project #1) Making a mini-skirt out of my husband’s old ties. Status: after 5 years I have accumulated 37 ties and lots of stretchy waistband material. I’m not quite sure how to proceed.
Project #2) Making a bed skirt out of two linen curtains and a roll of grosgrain ribbon. Status: half complete after 9 months. What’s holding me back? Tender fingertips. I keep burning myself on the glue gun.
Project #3) Making cushions for the kitchen bench nook. Status: 15 years… I have the material but actually taking scissors to cloth is just too stressful.
Those are my big projects. But I also have mini-obsessions that provide day to day distractions.
For example, just last week, after extensive online research, I tried to dehydrate grapes in my oven. I gave up after an hour. It didn't take me long to figure out that running the oven for 80 hours to create ½ cup of raisins made no sense.
Perhaps I am penny wise and pound foolish. Or just pound foolish. I am chock full of awesome ideas, but I definitely have more “creative” energy than “execution” energy. And I occasionally do things that make no economic sense at all. But that’s part of my charm.
At least that’s what I tell my husband. There's nothing wrong with a little positive spin.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckly via Email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2011, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT, all rights reserved
scroll down to leave a comment
Finishing the “projects” I’ve started could easily take the rest of my life. And that’s assuming some rather generous increases in average life expectancy over the next 20 years. Part of my problem is that I’m so darn Yankee cheap that I always think that I can make something for less than it would cost to buy.
Of course my homemade stuff is only cheaper if you assume that my time is free and that my husband is a bottomless pit of supportive love, money and patience.
So far so good.
I take on most projects to “save” money (though an honest look at actual costs might prove that the savings, if any, are nominal.) But you can’t put a price on the fact that everything I make is by definition Made in America, no matter how BUTT ugly.
But crafting is not always about saving money. Sometimes I “create” just for the joy of it and for the thrill of repurposing something I picked up from the dump. Those are the most dangerous projects of all because 1) I am not a visionary like Martha Stewart; and 2) I failed Home Economics in 7th grade.
Let’s just say that I am VERY good at gathering all the required supplies for a project idea. I am TERRIBLE at execution. When it comes time to break out the scissors, the glue gun or the chain saw, that’s right about when I start to lose interest.
For a while now I have suspected that I suffer from a mild form of ADD because of the number of projects I have in “craft limbo”. But if not finishing craft projects is some kind of disorder, I’m guessing that I am not alone.
I’m also pretty sure that the sheer vastness of my incomplete project universe is slowly driving my husband nuts. (And that’s without him knowing what’s hidden in the garage.) But every few years I manage to redeem myself by making something that looks reasonably attractive; often surprising us both.
Then I tell him that I just saved $500 over what that same item would have cost at Sotheby's. Financial “spin” is what keeps my craft orgy afloat.
I know you are desperate to know what I’m currently “working” on so here’s a sample…
Project #1) Making a mini-skirt out of my husband’s old ties. Status: after 5 years I have accumulated 37 ties and lots of stretchy waistband material. I’m not quite sure how to proceed.
Project #2) Making a bed skirt out of two linen curtains and a roll of grosgrain ribbon. Status: half complete after 9 months. What’s holding me back? Tender fingertips. I keep burning myself on the glue gun.
Project #3) Making cushions for the kitchen bench nook. Status: 15 years… I have the material but actually taking scissors to cloth is just too stressful.
Those are my big projects. But I also have mini-obsessions that provide day to day distractions.
For example, just last week, after extensive online research, I tried to dehydrate grapes in my oven. I gave up after an hour. It didn't take me long to figure out that running the oven for 80 hours to create ½ cup of raisins made no sense.
Perhaps I am penny wise and pound foolish. Or just pound foolish. I am chock full of awesome ideas, but I definitely have more “creative” energy than “execution” energy. And I occasionally do things that make no economic sense at all. But that’s part of my charm.
At least that’s what I tell my husband. There's nothing wrong with a little positive spin.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckly via Email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2011, LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT, all rights reserved
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