Chuckle #380 | October 29th, 2009
Scroll to bottom to leave a comment
I thought my KIDS had a hard time planning their Halloween costumes but as it turns out, there’s even more peer pressure on us parents. To make the grade, the perfect adult costume needs to be three things:
1) Clever
2) Comfortable
3) Sexy
If you hit all three, you’ve won the costume “trifecta”, achieved the Platonic “ideal”. Sure, you can take the easy way out and do the witch, hobo, or Dracula thing but what does that prove to the world? That you know how to get to Party City? Forget about it. NO “trifecta” costume can be had at a party store. A truly clever costume can only be crafted at home, after prodigious mental effort, a trip to Goodwill, and liberal use of a glue gun.
I appreciate CLEVER costumes. Like a fine wine, they take a lot of effort to make. The use of word plays or puns, current events, allegories, innuendo, and/or literary allusions can all prove your intellectual agility. (If you can achieve clever and STILL dress up as a sexy barmaid, kudos, you’re good.) One year I put a flashlight inside an empty paper towel tube, and strapped it to my head. I took great glee in telling people I was “the light at the end of the tunnel”. NOT sexy, but very comfortable. And it WAS clever, at least until the batteries ran out. Then I looked more like “crazy recycling girl”.
Take pride in your cleverness, but DON’T underestimate the importance of COMFORT. It’s a problem if your costume prohibits you from holding a beer and eating the pigs in a blanket, (or sitting on the toilet.) Do NOT let “pride cometh” before a cold one. My worst costume ever was when my husband and I went to a very crowded party as two lobsters stuck in a heinously large trap. We spent WEEKS constructing this "coup de resistance", only to find our selves stuck in a corner, unable to move or hold drinks with our not-so-clever “claw” hands.
SEXY. A lot of women like to go sexy with their costumes. It seems to fulfill a bad girl fantasy that MOST of us only indulge in on Halloween. And frankly, if you can pull it off, go for it! If I had “the goods” I probably wouldn’t be so obsessed with “clever.” Men seem to avoid “sexy” costumes. Which is good, because I don’t really want to see any husband I know (other than my own) in a leather thong or a toga.
Only ONCE have I managed to produce a perfect trifecta Halloween costume. My husband and I went to a party as a “Freudian Slip”. Me in a “slip” and him as Freud. (Reversing the roles would have added a comic element, but my husband wasn’t willing to go there, and the slip couldn’t.) So I got CLEVER, COMFORTABLE, AND SEXY all in one concept. Except for being a little cold, it was the “IDEAL” costume. Forgive the philosophizing, but Plato would have been proud.
Dressing up for Halloween this year? What’s your priority, Clever, Comfortable or Sexy?
Turning Good Kids Bad, & Other Parenting Experiments to try at Home
Chuckle #379 | October 22nd, 2009
Scroll to bottom to leave a comment
Can iron fisted discipline BACKFIRE? Duh! A lot of us parents have really high expectations of our kids, which is good because we've set and enforce standards. But sometimes we (read me) can be less than understanding about minor infractions. Unreasonable even.
Picture this scenario. Your child believes that that you have unrealistic expectations. She knows for a fact that you have NO IDEA how bad REALLY BAD kids are these days. Since your child is, in her own "world view", an underappreciated good kid, she decides to personally EDUCATE you about BADNESS. This, she figures, will make you a better, more understanding parent. (Which is probably true.) Here's the danger. Once a kid GOES BAD, he or she might find that being bad really IS more fun than being good and that the consequences of "badness" are not as terrible as they once thought. This is what I worry about at night. (And yes, my midnight mind rambles are often incomprehensible circular arguments.)
My husband and I recently grounded my daughter for the first time EVER for what we considered to be a significant violation of trust. She disagreed with both our assessment of the crime, the verdict AND the punishment. She felt misunderstood. We felt misunderstood.
So I sought the counsel of an older and wiser mom who has been "through it all" with her two girls. The meeting was cathartic. This mom's older daughter "went rogue" at age 9. The girl was the classic bad apple of the family. You could count on her to push every limit AND every "button". Now she's at college and everyone's relieved that she's not riding cross country on a HARLEY, smoking peyote. In contrast, the YOUNGER daughter was a model citizen who never disappointed or got in trouble. THEN, one night at dinner when the "Good" daughter was about 15, something snapped. The daughter turned a soulless stare on her mother. Her pupils' glowed red, her head began to spin, and the GOOD daughter went over to the dark side. (I swear this description is VERBATIM.) She became even more trouble than the FIRST daughter, by choice, seemingly overnight.
So now I'm SCARED. (And wondering why I listened to ANYTHING this mom had to say about child rearing.) Kids are simply TOO unpredictable.
So as you can see, I'm reeling with self doubt about my reaction (perhaps an over reaction) to what now seems to be a relatively minor infraction by my daughter. We NEEDED to make a fuss about what she did, but did we need to belabor it? CRIMINALIZE it? REGALE her with tales of our extreme disappointment? Now I'm worried that my daughter may now think of herself as a "bad" girl. What if she decides to deliver the REAL "bad girl" goods? Have I unwittingly provided a behavioral trigger? Why didn't I get a minor in psychology? International Relations...what was I thinking?
So where am I going with this? I'm not sure even I know anymore. Let's try this...Do our children REACT negatively or positively to ultra high expectations? For example, if we "laid off" just a bit, would we get an even better, kinder, more self-reliant "über" child? Surely scientific studies have been done. If I didn't have to LIVE WITH the product of my parenting skills, I would find being a parent so much more scientifically stimulating. As it is, I'm afraid to do too much experimenting on my own kids. The results are too unpredictable. Can kids really just flip a coin and simply decide to be either "angel" or "demon" at any given moment? Yes, they can. (Think "Dr. Jekyll." And check it out of the library...its one of the better parenting books our there.)
As for me, I'm going to continue to set some reasonable rules and expectations, then HOPE that my kids occasionally do something bad, (as my daughter did) so that I can step in and apply some firm yet loving discipline. (I'll work harder on the "loving" part.) Otherwise the "really good" kids might crack from the pressure, and end up GOING ROGUE. And none of us want to hang out with a living, breathing Chuckie Doll!*
*(No offence to my friend Chuck.)
Scroll to bottom to leave a comment
Can iron fisted discipline BACKFIRE? Duh! A lot of us parents have really high expectations of our kids, which is good because we've set and enforce standards. But sometimes we (read me) can be less than understanding about minor infractions. Unreasonable even.
Picture this scenario. Your child believes that that you have unrealistic expectations. She knows for a fact that you have NO IDEA how bad REALLY BAD kids are these days. Since your child is, in her own "world view", an underappreciated good kid, she decides to personally EDUCATE you about BADNESS. This, she figures, will make you a better, more understanding parent. (Which is probably true.) Here's the danger. Once a kid GOES BAD, he or she might find that being bad really IS more fun than being good and that the consequences of "badness" are not as terrible as they once thought. This is what I worry about at night. (And yes, my midnight mind rambles are often incomprehensible circular arguments.)
My husband and I recently grounded my daughter for the first time EVER for what we considered to be a significant violation of trust. She disagreed with both our assessment of the crime, the verdict AND the punishment. She felt misunderstood. We felt misunderstood.
So I sought the counsel of an older and wiser mom who has been "through it all" with her two girls. The meeting was cathartic. This mom's older daughter "went rogue" at age 9. The girl was the classic bad apple of the family. You could count on her to push every limit AND every "button". Now she's at college and everyone's relieved that she's not riding cross country on a HARLEY, smoking peyote. In contrast, the YOUNGER daughter was a model citizen who never disappointed or got in trouble. THEN, one night at dinner when the "Good" daughter was about 15, something snapped. The daughter turned a soulless stare on her mother. Her pupils' glowed red, her head began to spin, and the GOOD daughter went over to the dark side. (I swear this description is VERBATIM.) She became even more trouble than the FIRST daughter, by choice, seemingly overnight.
So now I'm SCARED. (And wondering why I listened to ANYTHING this mom had to say about child rearing.) Kids are simply TOO unpredictable.
So as you can see, I'm reeling with self doubt about my reaction (perhaps an over reaction) to what now seems to be a relatively minor infraction by my daughter. We NEEDED to make a fuss about what she did, but did we need to belabor it? CRIMINALIZE it? REGALE her with tales of our extreme disappointment? Now I'm worried that my daughter may now think of herself as a "bad" girl. What if she decides to deliver the REAL "bad girl" goods? Have I unwittingly provided a behavioral trigger? Why didn't I get a minor in psychology? International Relations...what was I thinking?
So where am I going with this? I'm not sure even I know anymore. Let's try this...Do our children REACT negatively or positively to ultra high expectations? For example, if we "laid off" just a bit, would we get an even better, kinder, more self-reliant "über" child? Surely scientific studies have been done. If I didn't have to LIVE WITH the product of my parenting skills, I would find being a parent so much more scientifically stimulating. As it is, I'm afraid to do too much experimenting on my own kids. The results are too unpredictable. Can kids really just flip a coin and simply decide to be either "angel" or "demon" at any given moment? Yes, they can. (Think "Dr. Jekyll." And check it out of the library...its one of the better parenting books our there.)
As for me, I'm going to continue to set some reasonable rules and expectations, then HOPE that my kids occasionally do something bad, (as my daughter did) so that I can step in and apply some firm yet loving discipline. (I'll work harder on the "loving" part.) Otherwise the "really good" kids might crack from the pressure, and end up GOING ROGUE. And none of us want to hang out with a living, breathing Chuckie Doll!*
*(No offence to my friend Chuck.)
Age is a Battlefield, Bring on the SPANX!
Chuckle #378 | October 15th, 2009
Scroll to bottom to leave a comment
I've been noticing a disturbing phenomenon lately. When I REMOVE my jeans, I find that I am still wearing my jeans as an IMPRINT on my flesh. Either my jeans are too tight, or my flesh is too expansive. Neither theory bodes well for the next 5 years. There is something about flesh over 40, be it the elasticity of the skin or the delicate layer of fatty tissue just beneath, that lends itself to "impressions". The same thing happens when I remove underwear or bras, basically anything with elastic. Who needs actual clothes when I can have clothes "tattoos"?
I was recently commiserating with a friend about this unfortunate aspect of aging...a high minded (read stubborn) friend who, like many of us, can't or won't rectify the problem with a modern quick fix. (What does that teach our children after all?) On the other hand, my kids do say that my skin, while flabby, is at least SOFT. I guess that's the "aging up" consolation prize. For some reason I object to my teenage daughter pointing out this "positive" effect. (After everything I do to manage HER self-esteem.) To be honest, I don't want to spend four hours a day at the gym trying to "hold onto what I've got"...Hey, isn't that a song? Yes it is. Carly Simon, but she was referring to love. I'd like to think that I can hold onto love even though I don't QUITE possess the physical attributes I did 22 years ago.
ANOTHER friend (who is not quite as willing to "go gentle into that good night") recommends SPANX. (AKA "Power Panties" for "Tight Ends".) I hear that they can achieve amazing things with this over-40 flesh! Dylan Thomas may have been a neurotic Welshman, but I agree with him about fighting off the inevitable. The rules of a "fair fight" do NOT apply to age. Bring on the SPANX!
Scroll to bottom to leave a comment
I've been noticing a disturbing phenomenon lately. When I REMOVE my jeans, I find that I am still wearing my jeans as an IMPRINT on my flesh. Either my jeans are too tight, or my flesh is too expansive. Neither theory bodes well for the next 5 years. There is something about flesh over 40, be it the elasticity of the skin or the delicate layer of fatty tissue just beneath, that lends itself to "impressions". The same thing happens when I remove underwear or bras, basically anything with elastic. Who needs actual clothes when I can have clothes "tattoos"?
I was recently commiserating with a friend about this unfortunate aspect of aging...a high minded (read stubborn) friend who, like many of us, can't or won't rectify the problem with a modern quick fix. (What does that teach our children after all?) On the other hand, my kids do say that my skin, while flabby, is at least SOFT. I guess that's the "aging up" consolation prize. For some reason I object to my teenage daughter pointing out this "positive" effect. (After everything I do to manage HER self-esteem.) To be honest, I don't want to spend four hours a day at the gym trying to "hold onto what I've got"...Hey, isn't that a song? Yes it is. Carly Simon, but she was referring to love. I'd like to think that I can hold onto love even though I don't QUITE possess the physical attributes I did 22 years ago.
ANOTHER friend (who is not quite as willing to "go gentle into that good night") recommends SPANX. (AKA "Power Panties" for "Tight Ends".) I hear that they can achieve amazing things with this over-40 flesh! Dylan Thomas may have been a neurotic Welshman, but I agree with him about fighting off the inevitable. The rules of a "fair fight" do NOT apply to age. Bring on the SPANX!
Yo, CVS...I Wanted Toothpaste, NOT a Torah!
CHUCKLE #378 | October 1st, 2009
Scroll to bottom to post a comment
I think it would be PRESUMPTIOUS of me to tell the brilliant CVS management team how to run their business...BUT... What's up with the 6 yard long RECEIPTS?! There has to be a better way to deliver coupons to me than printing a ½ mile long "coupon" receipt every time I buy a tube of toothpaste. It's gotten so I am loath to patronize CVS. I have other options. Walgreens is only a block away and it doesn't partake in this kind of retail insanity. Even the CVS cashiers are apologetic as they struggle to roll-up a Torah length receipt and pass it to you in a way that doesn't resemble a ticker tape parade. Sometimes there is more "receipt" in my bag than product. The cashiers can only ring up three customers before they have to replace the tape in the register. Ever been the sucker "next in line" during that circus?
But then, every once in a while the RECEIPT GODS smile and you get a coupon for $5 off your next $15 purchase. That's like hitting the CVS receipt JACKPOT. If you are appropriately masochistic, I recommend going straight from the check out line, back into the store and buying something with that coupon right away. Because you KNOW you are going to lose it once it goes in your wallet, car or purse...or worse, you keep it until it expires and then have to throw it away. Like when my Stop and Shop free ham butt coupon expired...which bothers me to this day. So take advantage. Buy some high end tanning lotion, or some crazy cellulite melt-away lotion - something you wouldn't buy unless it was 33% off. Something that would make the CVS head honchettes deliriously happy.
But really, there really has to be a better, more environmentally friendly way to get us to try the latest pharmaceutical products than drowning us in receipts. How about handing out free samples? It works at Costco. I come home with a new flavor of FUDGY WUDGY fudge every time...All it takes is a tiny sample.
Scroll to bottom to post a comment
I think it would be PRESUMPTIOUS of me to tell the brilliant CVS management team how to run their business...BUT... What's up with the 6 yard long RECEIPTS?! There has to be a better way to deliver coupons to me than printing a ½ mile long "coupon" receipt every time I buy a tube of toothpaste. It's gotten so I am loath to patronize CVS. I have other options. Walgreens is only a block away and it doesn't partake in this kind of retail insanity. Even the CVS cashiers are apologetic as they struggle to roll-up a Torah length receipt and pass it to you in a way that doesn't resemble a ticker tape parade. Sometimes there is more "receipt" in my bag than product. The cashiers can only ring up three customers before they have to replace the tape in the register. Ever been the sucker "next in line" during that circus?
But then, every once in a while the RECEIPT GODS smile and you get a coupon for $5 off your next $15 purchase. That's like hitting the CVS receipt JACKPOT. If you are appropriately masochistic, I recommend going straight from the check out line, back into the store and buying something with that coupon right away. Because you KNOW you are going to lose it once it goes in your wallet, car or purse...or worse, you keep it until it expires and then have to throw it away. Like when my Stop and Shop free ham butt coupon expired...which bothers me to this day. So take advantage. Buy some high end tanning lotion, or some crazy cellulite melt-away lotion - something you wouldn't buy unless it was 33% off. Something that would make the CVS head honchettes deliriously happy.
But really, there really has to be a better, more environmentally friendly way to get us to try the latest pharmaceutical products than drowning us in receipts. How about handing out free samples? It works at Costco. I come home with a new flavor of FUDGY WUDGY fudge every time...All it takes is a tiny sample.
A Good Memory is a Mommy Superpower
CHUCKLE #376 | October 1st, 2009
Scroll to bottom to leave a comment
My pediatrician is holding me hostage. I can NEVER change doctors because I have, over time and with great effort, memorized her address and phone number. This means that I can fill out MEDICAL FORMS on the fly. This is one of the few bonafide "mommy" superpowers. Having this critical data on instant recall is HUGE. It would be decidedly painful at this stage in my life to try and memorize a new doctor's "vitals." I'm not even sure it's possible. For that matter, I can never "un-friend" any of my emergency contacts. (NOT that I would want to!) I've listed the same friends on all "emergency contact" forms since my kids were preschoolers, in part because I really do like these women, and primarily because I happen to know their home phone, cell numbers, and addresses by heart.
My amazing "form" memory is not genetic, it is the result of endless repetition. Year after year I write the same information over and over on multiple forms for every school, sport, extra curricular activity, YMCA membership, and summer camp. Our school district has moved to a computer based central information system and I STILL have to fill out five different forms every time my child wants to participate in a new activity at school. Even colleges now have a universal admission form. Why can't there be a "universal" contact/medical form? The hand cramps have got to stop! Just give me the means and I will happily, irrevocably and into perpetuity, grant permission for my child to enjoy medical treatment anytime she should require it. I love her THAT much. In fact, with a universal form, and no need to have my doctor's stats memorized, I COULD change doctors. I would have REAL healthcare options. And that would be a significant advance in...wait for it...healthcare re"FORM."
Would you be for or against a universal contact/medical form for your kids? Doctors would save a lot of time not having to complete and sign all those forms every year, so their overhead might go down, and healthcare costs along with it. (If any Democrat or Republican wants to steal that idea and add tack it on to the healthcare bill, feel free.) But wait! The flip side to a universal form is that I would most likely forget my friends' phone numbers and become a lonely, bitter woman requiring expensive antidepressants. Costs go up. Quality of life goes down. Hmmm...I can see that even the simplest ideas for healthcare re"FORM" could be controversial...Better start sharpening those #2 pencils!
Scroll to bottom to leave a comment
My pediatrician is holding me hostage. I can NEVER change doctors because I have, over time and with great effort, memorized her address and phone number. This means that I can fill out MEDICAL FORMS on the fly. This is one of the few bonafide "mommy" superpowers. Having this critical data on instant recall is HUGE. It would be decidedly painful at this stage in my life to try and memorize a new doctor's "vitals." I'm not even sure it's possible. For that matter, I can never "un-friend" any of my emergency contacts. (NOT that I would want to!) I've listed the same friends on all "emergency contact" forms since my kids were preschoolers, in part because I really do like these women, and primarily because I happen to know their home phone, cell numbers, and addresses by heart.
My amazing "form" memory is not genetic, it is the result of endless repetition. Year after year I write the same information over and over on multiple forms for every school, sport, extra curricular activity, YMCA membership, and summer camp. Our school district has moved to a computer based central information system and I STILL have to fill out five different forms every time my child wants to participate in a new activity at school. Even colleges now have a universal admission form. Why can't there be a "universal" contact/medical form? The hand cramps have got to stop! Just give me the means and I will happily, irrevocably and into perpetuity, grant permission for my child to enjoy medical treatment anytime she should require it. I love her THAT much. In fact, with a universal form, and no need to have my doctor's stats memorized, I COULD change doctors. I would have REAL healthcare options. And that would be a significant advance in...wait for it...healthcare re"FORM."
Would you be for or against a universal contact/medical form for your kids? Doctors would save a lot of time not having to complete and sign all those forms every year, so their overhead might go down, and healthcare costs along with it. (If any Democrat or Republican wants to steal that idea and add tack it on to the healthcare bill, feel free.) But wait! The flip side to a universal form is that I would most likely forget my friends' phone numbers and become a lonely, bitter woman requiring expensive antidepressants. Costs go up. Quality of life goes down. Hmmm...I can see that even the simplest ideas for healthcare re"FORM" could be controversial...Better start sharpening those #2 pencils!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
