Turning Good Kids Bad, & Other Parenting Experiments to try at Home

Chuckle #379 | October 22nd, 2009
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Can iron fisted discipline BACKFIRE? Duh! A lot of us parents have really high expectations of our kids, which is good because we've set and enforce standards. But sometimes we (read me) can be less than understanding about minor infractions. Unreasonable even.

Picture this scenario. Your child believes that that you have unrealistic expectations. She knows for a fact that you have NO IDEA how bad REALLY BAD kids are these days. Since your child is, in her own "world view", an underappreciated good kid, she decides to personally EDUCATE you about BADNESS. This, she figures, will make you a better, more understanding parent. (Which is probably true.) Here's the danger. Once a kid GOES BAD, he or she might find that being bad really IS more fun than being good and that the consequences of "badness" are not as terrible as they once thought. This is what I worry about at night. (And yes, my midnight mind rambles are often incomprehensible circular arguments.)

My husband and I recently grounded my daughter for the first time EVER for what we considered to be a significant violation of trust. She disagreed with both our assessment of the crime, the verdict AND the punishment. She felt misunderstood. We felt misunderstood.

So I sought the counsel of an older and wiser mom who has been "through it all" with her two girls. The meeting was cathartic. This mom's older daughter "went rogue" at age 9. The girl was the classic bad apple of the family. You could count on her to push every limit AND every "button". Now she's at college and everyone's relieved that she's not riding cross country on a HARLEY, smoking peyote. In contrast, the YOUNGER daughter was a model citizen who never disappointed or got in trouble. THEN, one night at dinner when the "Good" daughter was about 15, something snapped. The daughter turned a soulless stare on her mother. Her pupils' glowed red, her head began to spin, and the GOOD daughter went over to the dark side. (I swear this description is VERBATIM.) She became even more trouble than the FIRST daughter, by choice, seemingly overnight.

So now I'm SCARED. (And wondering why I listened to ANYTHING this mom had to say about child rearing.) Kids are simply TOO unpredictable.

So as you can see, I'm reeling with self doubt about my reaction (perhaps an over reaction) to what now seems to be a relatively minor infraction by my daughter. We NEEDED to make a fuss about what she did, but did we need to belabor it? CRIMINALIZE it? REGALE her with tales of our extreme disappointment? Now I'm worried that my daughter may now think of herself as a "bad" girl. What if she decides to deliver the REAL "bad girl" goods? Have I unwittingly provided a behavioral trigger? Why didn't I get a minor in psychology? International Relations...what was I thinking?

So where am I going with this? I'm not sure even I know anymore. Let's try this...Do our children REACT negatively or positively to ultra high expectations? For example, if we "laid off" just a bit, would we get an even better, kinder, more self-reliant "über" child? Surely scientific studies have been done. If I didn't have to LIVE WITH the product of my parenting skills, I would find being a parent so much more scientifically stimulating. As it is, I'm afraid to do too much experimenting on my own kids. The results are too unpredictable. Can kids really just flip a coin and simply decide to be either "angel" or "demon" at any given moment? Yes, they can. (Think "Dr. Jekyll." And check it out of the library...its one of the better parenting books our there.)

As for me, I'm going to continue to set some reasonable rules and expectations, then HOPE that my kids occasionally do something bad, (as my daughter did) so that I can step in and apply some firm yet loving discipline. (I'll work harder on the "loving" part.) Otherwise the "really good" kids might crack from the pressure, and end up GOING ROGUE. And none of us want to hang out with a living, breathing Chuckie Doll!*

*(No offence to my friend Chuck.)