Age is a Battlefield, Bring on the SPANX!

Chuckle #378 | October 15th, 2009
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I've been noticing a disturbing phenomenon lately. When I REMOVE my jeans, I find that I am still wearing my jeans as an IMPRINT on my flesh. Either my jeans are too tight, or my flesh is too expansive. Neither theory bodes well for the next 5 years. There is something about flesh over 40, be it the elasticity of the skin or the delicate layer of fatty tissue just beneath, that lends itself to "impressions". The same thing happens when I remove underwear or bras, basically anything with elastic. Who needs actual clothes when I can have clothes "tattoos"?

I was recently commiserating with a friend about this unfortunate aspect of aging...a high minded (read stubborn) friend who, like many of us, can't or won't rectify the problem with a modern quick fix. (What does that teach our children after all?) On the other hand, my kids do say that my skin, while flabby, is at least SOFT. I guess that's the "aging up" consolation prize. For some reason I object to my teenage daughter pointing out this "positive" effect. (After everything I do to manage HER self-esteem.) To be honest, I don't want to spend four hours a day at the gym trying to "hold onto what I've got"...Hey, isn't that a song? Yes it is. Carly Simon, but she was referring to love. I'd like to think that I can hold onto love even though I don't QUITE possess the physical attributes I did 22 years ago.

ANOTHER friend (who is not quite as willing to "go gentle into that good night") recommends SPANX. (AKA "Power Panties" for "Tight Ends".) I hear that they can achieve amazing things with this over-40 flesh! Dylan Thomas may have been a neurotic Welshman, but I agree with him about fighting off the inevitable. The rules of a "fair fight" do NOT apply to age. Bring on the SPANX!