What Would Kierkegaard Collect?

Chuckle #481 | January 25th, 2012
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Remember Beanie Babies? They revolutionized the stuffed animal market, and unlike Cabbage Patch Kids, were not butt ugly. (Cabbage Patch Kids put an entire generation of toddlers off childbirth.) These are the kind of products that make you say, “why didn’t I think of that!?” The Beanie Babies, not the Cabbage Patch Kids. Those freaky ‘kids’ still give me nightmares.

Back in 1994, tiny Midwest toy company, Ty Inc. took an inanimate object, gave it a name and a “personality”, kept the price point affordable, and made a bajillion dollars. But even Ty Warner couldn’t have predicted that Beanie Babies would appeal to Grandmas as much they did to four year olds.

My daughter had close to 10 Beanies at the top of the craze (an investment of about $60 bucks in fuzz and stuffing). They seemed like harmless things to collect until my husband found himself rushing down to the local toy store at 6AM on Beanie shipment day in hopes of snagging the illusive “Polly the Penguin” Beanie.

Dads are such suckers when it comes to their little girls.

Older women collect beanies, but do not play with them. Grandmas, for example, keep their pristine beanies in acrylic display boxes to protect them from sticky grandchildren. (Have you tried explaining to your three year old why she can’t play with Grandma’s “toys”?) And they wonder why we don’t visit more often!

Grandma’s Beanies are in mint condition and all have their original tags. If you were a smart grandma, you sold your collection at the height of the craze, made a killing, and took your dream cruise to the Galapagos. If you missed that window of opportunity, you are now looking at $10-$20 bucks apiece, even for a limited edition Beanie. Bus trip to Vegas anyone?

Ironically, my eldest daughter now owns Grandma’s 80 Beanie collection. Yes, the Beanies that she was once banned from touching are now in a heap on her bed. Ha!

Grandma’s beanie gift came with conditions though. My daughter must never, ever sell them, give them away, or burn them in a perverse demonic Beanie bonfire. This, technically, was a verbal agreement. She didn’t sign anything. And please, let’s all agree that Beanies are NOT Great Grandmother’s tiara from the old country (or even close). I’m thinking we deserve some wiggle room here.

For example, could we sell them to help pay for college?

“How did we end up with Grandma’s treasured Beanies?” you ask. Apparently, when people are downsizing to a condo, the Beanie Babie collection does not make the cut of things that you must have in your new, smaller home. So you unload them on your innocent granddaughter - with stipulations.

You know, when people are thinking about what to start collecting, they should consider collecting things that have some intrinsic value, like stamps or coins. Stuff that isn’t ‘here today, in a landfill tomorrow’.

I told my daughter that her Beanie Babies must leave my house when she leaves. She tells me that she will bring them to college with her, where she will undoubtedly be branded as the crazy girl who couldn’t leave her Beanie Babie collection at home.

I have a better idea. How about I ship them all back to Grandma…

It could be worse. My youngest daughter collects beer bottle caps. (Don’t ask me, ask my husband. He started it.) When my son was little, he collected used toothbrushes – both unsanitary AND unlikely to appreciate over time. Thank goodness he moved on to coins. At least those will be worth something in 50 years.

I collect antique silver butter dishes. I have 11. I’d love to someday have a complete collection of historically correct butter storage and display ‘artifacts’ because butter is my favorite food.

Ok, so at least I realize that I sound kind of crazy. I should probably stop making fun of Beanie Babie collectors. Intrinsic value might be overrated. ‘Collecting’ might be more about fun than value.
So, anyone interested in ‘jumpstarting’ a Beanie collection? I also have five boxes of Pokemon cards…
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