Jealous of My Rick Santorum Sweater Vest?

Chuckle #482 | February 1st, 2012
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This year’s Republican primary battle has been one for the history books, or so says Newt. After the shocking amount of time I’ve invested (some might say wasted) in watching the 23 Republican debates, I think I deserve a souvenir. But what to get?

In the end, I could not resist the iconic, yet elegantly understated Rick Santorum sweater vest.

The sweater vest is a fashion faux pas, but you have to give a candidate credit for being able to poke fun at himself, even if his platform scares you to death.

The vest was a bit pricey at $100 bucks, but I plan to get a lot of wear out of it. I’ll debut it at my Super Bowl party; then I’ll wear it to all those spring “come as your favorite social conservative” cocktail parties. After Halloween I can send it to my dad in Florida where going sleeveless is considered normal.

From a marketing perspective, the sweater vest promo was pure genius. The media coverage alone was worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, not to mention the $80 bucks they make on each vest.

The rest of the Republican field is beginning to catch on.

Ron Paul has his cookbook, which offers warnings against US farm subsidies along with favorite family recipes. Newt’s gone after the pet market with a doggie bandana. Supporters are apparently too embarrassed to be seen wearing something with Newt’s name on it, so they make their dogs do it. (Don’t worry, PETA has already issued a strongly worded statement concerning pets’ rights.)

It’s pretty clear that bumper stickers and buttons are passé. Americans are bored with the same old imprinted junk and want something more personal. People want to own a piece of their candidate. Sounds creepy, I know. So far the candidates are trying to give supporters what they want, but they could do better.

All candidates should have a Promo Czar on staff. Unfortunately, most have already blown their budgets on negative attack ads and swift-boating each other. So they’ll have to rely on me instead. I’m full of great promo ideas, and I’m giving them away for free.

For Newt…

A limited edition Swarovski crystal replica of the infamous Tiffany’s tennis bracelet that he gave his 3rd wife. It will have a little charm that dangles from the clasp and says “I (heart) Newt”.

For Mitt…

Oven “Mitts” that say “Mitt is Hot.” Or a pair of mittens that say “sMITTen”.

For Ron…

Private label “Ron Paul” brown sneakers, intended to be worn with an ill-fitting brown suit. These will be manufactured by New Balance, of course, the only sneaker company that still has factories in the USA.

For Rick…

A beautiful crucifix pendant, inscribed “Sancta Sanctorum, Santorum Es.” (Roughly translated: “The holiest of the ‘holy’ ones is Santorum.”

But why stop there when a candidate could come up with some clever “attack” products and skewer his opponents with subtle irony?

• “Mitt Gel.” The tagline would be “Handsome yet slimy. Apply ‘LIBERAL’ly, wash hands after use.”
• “Mitt Flops.” Two-toned flip flops with Mitt stamped all over them.
• A “Newt Doll.” If you cut off its head, another one grows back that is twice as big as the first. The doll would come with a variety of outfits, like a space suit, Lincoln’s stove pipe hat, Ho Chi Minh Sandals, a De Gaulle moustache and a Margaret Thatcher wig. (Three female dolls in wedding dresses are included.)
• A line of “Santorum” maternity clothes called “God’s Gift to Women”. The insignia (think Lacoste’s alligator or Ralph’s polo pony) will be a sperm.
• A selection of colorful bongs in the shape of Ron Paul’s head. “Paul Puffers” would be sold through state sponsored medical marijuana clinics.

Political junkies will buy just about anything (as evidenced by my purchase of the Santorum sweater vest.) Now I'm saving up to buy something special from the general election. I'm hoping to score an "Authentic Replica" of Obama's Birth certificate.

What can I say? As an "independent" I like to demonstrate my non-partisan support for our nation's political freak show.
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