My Knuckle Headed Navigation System

Chuckle #427 | October 27th, 2010
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The future of transportation is definitely NOT now. I once had a dream that by 2010 I could strap myself into my “hover pod” and be futuristically transported to my destination. We’re not even close. The only major improvement in personal transportation in the past 30 years has been the invention of GPS “navigation”.

And even that’s debatable.

I had high hopes for satellite navigation, but as it turns out, nav is more of a curse than a panacea. You can’t trust it. My nav system will unerringly choose a one lane road full of badly timed traffic lights over a highway. If I am bold enough to select “detour” the new route will add at least 2 hours to my trip.

Since my nav has so frequently led me astray, I now prepare for long trips into unfamiliar territory by printing at least four Google map options plus a MapQuest backup. Then I spend two hours comparing those routes with what my Garmin says I should do. They never match. And exactly how does this make my life better?

I’m convinced that my “HAL 9000” Garmin is no improvement over the classic road atlas, with the exception of its ability to speak. At least my road atlas has never tried to send me to a burned out building for a Slurpee.

I’ve always been a big fan of real maps. You can see where you’re going and where you’ve been. You can look for an interesting side trip or a more scenic route. There is nothing like spreading a big ‘ole paper map out across the dashboard and ogling an entire 3 day road trip in its entirety. GPS navigation offers no visual gratification.

I know what you are thinking. Yes, women like maps. We are a very visual sex. We have a pleasure center dedicated entirely to map reading. We were the original “nav system”, before men invented a high tech gadget with a sexy British accent to replace us. Now that our role as trip “navigator” has been marginalized, at least husbands and wives don’t fight as much in the car. I suppose that is some form of progress.

But here’s what I don’t get.

Google has a car that can drive itself for 300 miles in traffic with no human intervention, yet my nav still can’t tell me when there is a 25 mile back-up on the Jersey Turnpike.

And since redlining was outlawed by the Community Reinvestment Act, I don’t dare mention the lack of integrated neighborhood crime data. Why can’t my nav tell me that a particular exit off the Cross Bronx Expressway is a bona fide Bonfire of the Vanities BAD IDEA?

I think a serious GPS backlash is coming. Women have become disillusioned. Our lack of confidence will devastate the GeoWeb industry. I’ve already shorted MapQuest and Garmin and I’m starting to invest in real geography- e.g. glorious, fold-out printed MAPS from the likes of Michelin and Rand McNally.

Why am I being such a Luddite? Because every kid should be able to read a map. Because I want my kids to develop a sense of direction and rely less on technology in a crisis. If someone said “Go west young man” my son wouldn’t have a clue. He’d freeze to death in Minnesota. If the satellites went down, so would my kids.  It's a survival thing.

So take heart cartographers! GPS has failed to win the hearts and minds of American moms, which means that the archaic map industry will soon boom again. At least until the words “Beam me up Scotty” can be said with confidence, which may be sooner than you think. The science behind quantum teleportation was recently proven - by the Chinese of course.

At least someone is making progress in transportation.
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