Chuckle #495 | January 23rd, 2013
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If
I had a nickel for every container of all-natural
peanut butter I’ve thrown out over the years, I’d be a rich woman. (That is, if you define ‘rich’ as having over
23 nickels.) Peanuts taste good. Ground peanuts should taste really good. So why does all-natural peanut butter taste so
very bad?
First,
it has the consistency of cement. Second,
the simple, unadorned peanut doesn’t have what it takes to appease the American
palate - e.g. truckloads of salt, sugar, and hydrogenated oil.
One
day, when my children were very young and I had a few spare seconds to read something
pithy, I devoured the fine print on the Skippy nutritional label. I wish I hadn’t. I’ve been trying to wean the kids off Skippy
ever since. The process is a lot like weaning
an addict off heroin. I started by
mixing minuscule amounts of all-natural peanut butter into their Skippy, but I
had not planned on them having such ultra-sensitive taste-buds or super quick central
nervous systems. These Skippy
connoisseurs could tell I had messed
with their spread of choice, and they balked.
Operation Momma’s Skippy Cut was prematurely shut
down.
Let’s
face it. Peanut butter that tastes bad
is good for you, and peanut butter that tastes like candy isn’t. Our family favorite, Honey Roasted Chunky Style
Skippy, AKA the nectar of the gods,
is worse for you than most.
But
is it a surprise to anyone that America’s
national food is an irresistible, artery-clogging paste?
Other
cultures have healthier ‘national foods’, like Tofu in Japan, or Hawaiian Poi. Aussie mothers smear vegemite (fermented yeast)
on their nipples to get their babies used to it at an early age. They have to because vegemite tastes like rancid
beef bouillon and looks even worse. But
if you ignore the fact that each ¼ teaspoon contains 3,000 mg of salt, vegemite
isn’t half as bad for you as America’s big-brand peanut butters.
My
children spent their formative years eating what is essentially the inside of a
Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup on bread, every
day. With Reeces as a starting
point, ‘all-natural’ peanut butter never stood a chance.
The
moms who have served their kids only homemade jam and fresh ground peanuts since
birth are probably ‘tsk-tsk-ing’ amongst themselves right now about my
nutritional hubris.
That’s
OK, I deserve it.
I
know
that Skippy should never have been allowed to pass my children’s lips. That was
a huge miscalculation on my part. On the
other hand, the organic granola moms know that they probably shouldn’t be wearing
those 20 year old hand woven Himalayan socks with their Tevas. So I guess that makes us even.
Whoa
there, Nelly! How easy it is to fall into
the shameful ‘mom on mom’ judgmental trap.
Everyone makes mistakes.
We can all learn from each other.
Group hug, okay?
Driven
by guilt (like most women), I’ve tried hard to improve upon my family’s diet
over the years. I’ve made my own baby
food and I’ve shelled out big bucks for organic milk in hopes of postponing
breast development until after age 12. (Guess
what? The little buggers showed up early
anyway.)
Guilt
aside, I genuinely care about what my kids put in their mouths. My big nutritional coup was getting my family
to accept ‘low fat’ Skippy, which I’m pretty sure contains twice as much sugar
and salt as regular Skippy in order to make up for the lack of fat. Beyond that, the all-natural peanut butter ship
has sailed. Skippy is officially a sacred
cow.
Just
the same, I’m considering this battle won.
Sometimes redefining success is the only way to achieve it.
Some
might say I’ve given up, but I prefer the term ‘moved on’. Now I’m learning how to prepare Kale. My friends (whose kids eat alien greens like
kale) say it is a very healthy vegetable, plagued by an unfortunate bitterness. So far I’ve thrown away a lot of kale, but
not for lack of trying. Even my new ‘granola mom’ friends have given me an A
for effort.
In
return, I am graciously giving them a
pass on the ‘socks-with-Tevas’ look, even though it drives me crazy.
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