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Admit it. You let your dog do funky, weird “stuff” when no one else is around. Stuff that you wouldn’t necessarily want other people to see your dog doing. We all do. For example, when I’m getting ready to light the barbecue, I let my dog lick the baked-on bits off the grill. This makes the grill extra clean and makes the dog VERY happy.
Of course if I have guests over I pretend that this behavior is completely unexpected, objectionable, and downright improper. I wave my arms around a lot and yell “bad dog” in order to appear convincingly shocked and dismayed. I am quite the actress.
All this faux hoopla really confuses the dog, but mollifies the people.
I
feel terrible about yelling at my dog, but the good thing about dogs is that
they forget anything you do to them in five seconds or less. Throw them a Milkbone and it’s like it never
happened. (If only this would work on my
husband.)
Friends,
however, have longer memories. They will
never forget that you fed them dog spit.
No matter how strong you make the margaritas. Trust me.
How
many people have eaten off my grill without knowing that ‘Fido’ is my sous chef? Dozens probably. But come on.
We all know that a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human mouth. Or is that just a self-serving myth
perpetuated by the Humane Society so that families will adopt more strays?
I
don’t know why I feel the need to come clean about this. Twenty minutes in a 600 degree Komodo Dragon
Grill will kill anything the dog might have left behind from his own behind.
No
harm done right?
Look
at it this way. If someone lets their
dog lick their face, then my dog licking the grill should barely move the
needle on the ‘gross register’. If someone
doesn’t have a dog then I can understand why they could be put off by the ‘special’
ingredient that makes my burgers so tasty.
Rest
assured that, although I might let the dog lick the grill, I am fastidious
about other grill tools and parts. The
pizza stone is off limits because it is porous and the spit would get absorbed
into the stone. Spatulas and tongs are likewise
kept far away from Fido.
I’d
also like to point out that I don’t feed my dog from the table or let him hump
small defenseless children. I have lots
of rules for my dog. So many other
people don’t.
For
example, I know people who let their dogs lick their plates before putting them
in the dishwasher and ride on their laps in the car. This can’t be safe. The worst?
People who let their dogs give them what looks like mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. Picture two inexperienced
teenagers making out for the first time; now picture the same thing between a
human and a dog.
Since
we all know that dogs spend 75% of their waking hours licking their own balls,
it is very difficult to watch a prolonged human - dog licking session without
getting nauseous.
Doggie
grill licking might not be for everyone, but at least I sterilize the grill
before I put the steaks on. If you’re
one of those people who let’s your dog put his tongue up your nose during a 10
minute face bath right before you
come to my house for dinner, I have one
request. Please don’t kiss me hello - a
simple hug will do.
In
return, I’ll be sure to offer a vegetarian option at every barbecue!
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