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Despite
my diminutive chest, I’ve never felt the need for ‘augmentation.’ In fact, I favor the most shapeless of hippie
style bras. But lately I just haven’t
been able to find them. No one is making
bras for women who prefer a more natural looking bosom, a.k.a., those of us who
need only a bit of string and a few pieces of scotch tape to keep the ‘ladies’
in place.
So why is
it that every AA cup bra now comes with a completely unnecessary underwire?
The
answer may be more insidious than you’d like to think. You see, for the past few years women have
been enjoying a tectonically slow power shift in our favor. In about 500 years, we will rule the
world. Men are scared.
The
best way for men to keep us in our place is to saddle us with a torturous undergarment
for 12 hours a day. These constrictive new
bras cause shortness of breath and oxygen deprivation, limiting our ability to
focus, and ergo, our upward mobility. These
subversive bras are the new ‘glass ceiling.’
Pretty
clever ‘evil plot’ for a gender in decline, don’t you think?
Then
again, my tiny new pink polka-dot underwire bra takes what puberty failed to deliver
and turns it into Pride Rock. A couple
of inches of memory foam complete the illusion of a size D cup. If you knew me, you’d know what a true miracle
of engineering this transformation is.
My new
breasts are as fake as cubic zirconia but they sure do fill out a tank top. On the downside, they get in the way of
normal activities like petting the dog and getting through airport security. On the upside, I no longer need a lifejacket
because my bra contains enough foam to qualify as a Coast Guard approved type
III floatation device.
Preteen
girls are happy because they no longer have to endure the awkward “training
bra” stage. Your 12 year old daughter
can become a jailbait version of Dolly Parton overnight. The good news is that Dads
no longer have to give their threatening pre-date speeches because the young
hooligans trying to cop-a-feel aren’t getting anywhere near the real thing
So are
men really the bad guys here? As much as I enjoy throwing my husband and
all mankind under the bus, I decided to do some legit research on bra
design. Most bra designers hold an
engineering degree because creating a bra is a lot like designing a suspension
bridge. Most bridge builders are men. So, by virtue of my incontrovertible didactic
reasoning, men are guilty.
And
seriously, would another woman deliberately flood the market
with underwire atrocities? I think not.
So where
is the hue and cry? Where are the angry opinion
letters to the New York Times? Where are
the lawsuits from underwires snapping and puncturing a lung? What does our silence say about our self-image?
Maybe
we shouldn’t over-analyze this…
You’ll
be happy to know that I found no real evidence of a bra related male
conspiracy against women. The “new” style
of bra is a simple marketplace response to a genuine need. The average American bra size has gone from a
36C to a 36DD. American bodies are simultaneously
growing and aging. (You know, 32 ounce soda cups and all.)
Bigger
bodies mean bigger breasts and ‘big ‘ole breasts’ droop the most. Holding these things up requires a
scientifically engineered blend of compression and tension; basically, the same
force that supports the Golden Gate Bridge.
But
what about the micro-breasted women?
Must we suffer along with the Double Ds?
My comfy bras are wearing out and I’m only able to replace them with the
agonizing 17th century whalebone inspired “Boobinator.”
Since women
aren’t due to take over the world for another few centuries, we are stuck with the
new breast ‘body armor’ until the next fashion trend emerges. In the meantime, I’ll be creeping young girls
and their mothers out by shopping in the Macy’s training bra department. At my age and droop, a bra burning protest is
NOT an option. I don’t need an undergarment
engineer to tell me that…
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Posts
Speaking of torture no mention of thongs and I don't mean the sandels we use to wear. Although if you ask your kids if they left their thongs on the floor you'll get quite a look from them.
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