Bedbugs Without Borders

Chuckle #485 | February 28th, 2012
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Lice used to be the bug infestation I feared most.  Now there’s a new bug in town, Cimex Lectularius, the bedbug.  They’re indestructible - and they’re everywhere, including hotels, airplanes, hospitals and dorms.

Bedbugs were recently discovered crawling around in the carpeting at one of our local elementary schools, in Greenwich!  I was incredulous.  What kind of idiot installs carpets in schools?!  I can’t tolerate carpeting in my own house; imagine how much MORE disgusting school carpets must be.

The bedbugs were found during kindergartener “nap time,” which is when 5 year olds lay down on the above mentioned filthy carpets, ostensibly to ‘rest,’ while their exhausted teacher recharges his or her batteries. What the kids actually do is partake in the naptime buffet.  They pick crumbs up off the floor, boogers out of their noses, and scabs off their knees – and eat them.

The bedbug was discovered by a boy who initially thought he’d scored a raisin with legs.  This clever youngster gave the bug/raisin to his teacher who sent it to the health department for ID.

Surprise! It was NOT a tick.

What could be worse than your kid bringing a bedbug home from school in their Hello Kitty backpack?  That’s an easy one… a pregnant bedbug.  If you’ve read anything about bedbugs, you know that they are incestuous creatures with some seriously evolved self-preservation skills.  They’re harder to kill than fleas, chiggers, lice and weevils.  We are talking pandemic.

Kudos however, must go to our school administrators who responded swiftly and emphatically to this singular crisis by hosting a “bedbug forum”.   I did not attend the forum because by that time I had already spent 17 hours researching bedbugs online and I was pretty sure that the superintendent of schools would try to gloss over the fact that we were all about to be infested with and then CONSUMED by bedbugs.
  

At least that’s what I would do if I were on the Board of Ed.  Otherwise there would be widespread panic, people would keep their kids out of school and the school year wouldn’t end till after July 4^th   - a totally unacceptable date on which to start summer, with our without bedbugs.

But here’s what I don’t get.  Humans can overcome plagues, clone sheep, and give birth at age 60…but we CAN’T get rid of bedbugs?  (This is all the fault of the EPA banning DDT in the 70s BTW.  They may have saved the bald eagle, but now we’ve got bugs coming out of our ears - literally.)

This is a classic case of unintended consequences.

So how do we get rid of bedbugs when Rick Perry is no longer in a position to dismantle government agency #3?  Good question.  We could restrict travel and immigration even further, but we’re already kind of trampling on civil liberties as it is.  What’s left?

The answer is simple: natural predators.

I propose that we pit LICE and TICKS against bedbugs, like Godzilla vs Megalon.  The epic battle between evil and eviler will take place right in our own homes, between the sheets, so to say.  You might want to stockpile a few pints of O Positive.

   

Some folks think that global warming could save our butts from bedbugs.  Not so.  The bedbug and its spawn must be heated to at least 113 degrees to be killed.  If temps got that high we’d either be dead  or living in one of Newt’s moon condos.

Avoidance is the way to go.  Vacations are high risk.  Keep your bags away from the hotel bed and off floor.  (Bedbugs can’t jump, and they are slow crawlers.)  Bring a bright flashlight and learn how to identify bedbug pooh.  Or, become a social pariah, go nowhere, see no one and homeschool your children in one of the Dakotas.  They are the ONLY two states without bedbugs, mostly because no one goes there.

I know the future sounds bleak, but there is a bright spot.  Bedbug detection/remediation is a booming industry.  Forget high tech and biotech.  At the current rate of infestation, the new ‘bedbug economy’ is what will save America.

My idea is to breed and train bedbug sniffing service dogs.  I’m thinking upmarket Chihuahuas and Schnoodles.  What jetsetter wouldn’t want a travel size designer dog with a degree in etymology?

Clever, isn’t it ?  Now all I need to do is convince Paris Hilton to be my spokesperson.
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