A Very Vegas Christmas

Chuckle #478 | December 21st, 2011
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One of my favorite things to do on Christmas Eve is to drive around town and ogle the holiday lights. Nothing gets our family in the holiday spirit faster than the serene glow of electric “candlelight”, a glimpse of twinkling trees, and passing a carton of eggnog around in the car. It’s all so magical.

Of course there's always the house that looks like it’s been decorated by elves on crack.

There are five strobe lights mounted to the roof and an inflatable Santa dressed as Elvis on the porch. Motion sensor trash-talking deer line the driveway and giant candy canes hang from the gutters.

If my kids were still little, this would be the house of unadulterated joy - well worth a special trip to the Italian side of town. Drive-by slowly enough and the kids will have just enough time to take it all in before the strobe lights trigger an epileptic fit.

If there is one thing that Italians know how to do well - no offense Uncle Nico – it’s how to amp up Christmas.

Some people need to be overstimulated in order to achieve the same holiday ‘high’ that the rest of us can get from a single spotlight and a wreath on the front door. These folks are either neurologically impaired, or just very devout. Real Catholics know that you can’t adequately Light the Way for baby Jesus with fewer than 15 extension cords.

Episcopalians think you can do it with two, (which is why no one does Christmas Eve drive-bys in those neighborhoods.)

I’m normally pretty tolerant, but when it comes to Christmas decorating, I’ve got certain pre-conceived notions about how it should be done...

1) Tastefully. No giant blow-up anything and absolutely no live reindeer chained to a stake in the front yard. They’re covered in ticks, just like regular deer.
2) Environmentally. Your abuse of the electrical grid should not imperil the neighborhood or require more than one power strip. Assuage your inner ‘light junkie’ with a trip to Vegas.
3) Skillfully. If your parents never taught you how to put up lights, don’t just wing it, get help. Go online, ask a friendly neighbor, look closely at other badly lit houses and try not to emulate them.

Speaking of the badly lit, there's a house in my neighborhood that is in serious violation of Rule Number 3. It sits amidst our tasteful white lights and tabletop menorahs reeking of the post-Christmas 50% off sale at CVS.

These folks have stretched a single strand of red lights haphazardly across the front of their house in a decorating style best described as ‘war zone’. The Santa heads mounted on spikes in the lawn scream French Revolution. The overall look is more Arab Spring than Happy Holidays, but maybe that’s what they are going for. For all we know, they could be Tunisian expats just trying to make CT feel more like home.

Or maybe they just have terrible taste in holiday decorations.

I understand that it can be hard to find the time to put the lights up AND get the holiday cards out. But I assure you that it is more important to put the lights up right than to just fling them over a random bush in the yard and drive your neighbors crazy for three weeks.

Think about it. You sit inside your house, oblivious to what it looks like from everyone else’s perspective. Take pity on us and pull the plug. And seriously, the Creepy Santa Heads have to go. They’re attracting way too many sketchy, eggnog swigging drive-bys.
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