The School Photo Scam

Chuckle #468 | September 28th 2011
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For my next life I want to be reborn as the owner of a School Photo Company. Those guys have it made. Talk about a captive audience. Parents aren’t just their customers, we’re their hostages.

Do I sound hostile? Darn right I do. I’ve just shelled out $150 bucks for three dozen of unattractive photos of my kids that no one wants. Even my mother refuses to put these pictures on the fridge. She claims there is no “room”. But I know better. She’s afraid that a neighbor might stop in for pie and accidently get turned to stone.

Maybe your kids are preternaturally photogenic, but in my family the school photos almost never get framed. In real life my kids are adorable, but school photo day has a way of bringing out their inner Gollum.

Yes, I know we can do “re-takes”. But here’s the catch, re-take day is the domain of maladroit photographers-in-training whose regular job is passing out the combs. Don’t waste your time.

So why must I own 14 copies of the same abominable photo for each of my three kids? Because I can’t get the class photo without buying an entire “photo package”. The class photo is like the prize at the bottom of the Cracker Jack box and the School Photo Company is way too smart to let you buy the “prize” for a mere 5 bucks when they could nail you for $50.

Nor does the photo company make it easy to figure out which photo package to buy. In the old days you had your bronze, silver or gold. Now you’ve got a dizzying array of options and an incomprehensible 12 page order form.

You can choose from 60 background colors and 42 borders. You can also opt for “expert” digital retouching if you feel the need to improve upon your child’s face. Got a teenager with some dermatological issues? Never fear. With enough retouching your crater-faced kid could grace the cover of Seventeen.

Families with an unlimited budget can also invest in add-ons like magnets, coffee mugs, bus wraps and billboards. I wouldn’t know what these are like because my kids’ school photos have never been “mug” worthy. And to be honest, I’m already grumpy enough in the morning.

Once the school photos come home I have a bigger problem – how to dispose of them. I don’t know about you, but for me, it is pure heresy to throw away pictures of my kids, no matter how awful. All of them MUST be saved. As a result, I have an entire shed full of school photos that should have been shredded but end up in storage instead.

The shed alone cost $500 bucks. I can only hope that someday it is struck by lightning and burns to the ground. Trust me, if the kids decided to torch said shed themselves and destroy the evidence, I wouldn’t press charges.

You have to empathize with your kids about school photos, especially when they’re in high school. These photos live on in yearbooks as a permanent and inescapable record of their, at times, unlovely young lives.

My husband, for example, sported a fabulously huge afro in his high school yearbook. Wouldn’t it have been a shame if his ‘fro’ had been retouched out of existence?

I think it’s important to “keep it real” when it comes to school photos. Your kids should look like your kids. Grandparents should be able to recognize their grandchildren. And if the photos don’t do the real thing justice, there’s always the storage shed.

For the photos of course, not the kids.

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