Irene Delivers a Flood of Argument & a Storm of Ire

Chuckle #464 | August 31st, 2011
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Let’s face it, husbands and wives often disagree about stuff like which chick flick to watch and whether or not to have another kid. So it is TOTALLY natural for spouses to argue a bit about proper storm preparation, especially when contemplating 100 mph winds and an 8 foot tidal surge.

Being mostly rational, my husband and I quickly resolved a couple of minor spats as we got ready for hurricane Irene, but I wonder how amicably we would have behaved if we were facing something really extreme, like Noah’s Flood.

Do you think Noah and his wife (we’ll call her Buffy) were in total agreement about how to build the ark, which daughters-in-law to take along, and how much beef jerky to pack? Or is it much more likely that they had some knock-down-drag-out epic arguments?

                                                              ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Buffy (grumbling): “That doesn’t even look like a boat! Who gave you these plans? That thing will sink the minute the waters rise, if they rise at all…”

Noah (storming out of tent): “Enough woman! God has spoken and even though the details were a little fuzzy, this is what I came up with. If you don’t like my ‘ark’ interpretation you can join the infidels down in the valley!”

Buffy: “At least they’ve been having fun for the past 120 years! I still don’t understand why my parents can’t come along. They’ve always wanted to go on a cruise and you know this is going to be their last chance.”

Noah: “Have you listened to ANYTHING I’ve said? We need people who can procreate. And BTW, crazy Uncle Herod can’t come either. That guy is totally nuts. I don’t want his seed messing up our perfectly righteous, closely related eight person gene pool.”

                                                                     ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’d like to think that the ark floated only because Buffy put her foot down and insisted that Noah use both pitch AND nails when he put it together. Of course we’ll never know for sure since history is written by guys and women don’t get credit for anything. Most of us don’t even get named unless we're hot prostitutes or the mother of God.

At least Irene was no biblical, world ending flood. My husband and my husband’s wife (that would be me trying to make a point) managed to agree on pretty much everything, EXCEPT on where to put the cars. We knew that branches would fall like manna; where they would land was up for debate. I wanted to put the cars on the front lawn since that area is mostly free from trees and therefore safest.

My husband reacted like a madman. Seriously, he did.

“Those cars will go on my lawn over my dead body! I will not sacrifice my lawn for anything! I will not have a single tire track mar my perfect lawn. Forswear it, woman!”

Okay then. In the interest of preserving my husband’s sanity (and my marriage) I quickly forswore the lawn idea. “How about this,” I suggested instead, “we’ll pull the cars way to one side of the driveway, next to but not on the lawn, and really close to the house?”

He disagreed. “They should be closer to the road. But if I’m wrong,” he added, cleverly thinking ahead, “you can’t say ‘I told you so’.”

And just because the storm was about to hit, I agreed to both his plan and his insane/unfair terms.

So here’s how the story ends. A big branch fell on his car and dented the roof. I didn’t say I told you so. I nearly burst, but a deal’s a deal.

I wrote it on my forehead with a sharpie instead.
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