The Astonishing Stash Attack

CHUCKLE #462 | August 3rd, 2011
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Every woman has secrets, and the biggest one of all is where she hides her stash of chocolate. My mom had a stash, and I’m pretty sure her mom did as well. I protect my stash by moving it frequently and by inexpertly juggling a set of very large Ginsu knives in front of my children. To scare them of course.

It can't hurt to impress upon my kids the fact that I am crazy enough to unleash unspeakable punishments upon them if they desecrate my stash. But that doesn’t stop them from seeking it like the Holy Grail.

Chocolate does that to people.

My kids already think that I’m slightly off my rocker. But they haven’t seen anything like what would happen if they actually ate my chocolate. I would cut them down like a jungle ninja. I would rend my garments. Then I would have their stomachs pumped, out of pure spite.

They say that good parents are clear about consequences. If that is true, then I am doing an excellent job.

Despite my efforts at “clarity” my kids find the very thought of my stash irresistible. They poke around quietly and act as if I’m clueless about what they are up to. I am really not that much of an idiot. (Unless you ask me to stream Vudu on the TV in the basement. Good luck with that.)

Dark chocolate is not my only vice, but it is my healthiest. Consuming up to 2 pounds of chocolate a day has been clinically proven to make women happier. (You’ll break out like a 14 year old, and weigh as much as a SUV, but you’ll be smiling.)

Chocolate consumption also promotes a healthy sexual appetite, which explains why guys give women chocolates all the time and why Godiva now offers a 4lb gift box of truffles called “love potion”. They are delicious.

I NEED a steady supply of high quality dark chocolate just like I NEED my morning coffee. Does that mean I’m addicted to chocolate or simply that I’m stuck in an existential routine from which my only relief is a seconds-long ecstatic rendezvous with a tiny piece of processed cacao?

Don’t answer that. (Self-analysis rarely cheers me up.)

And as it turned out, the successful stash attack didn’t come from the kids at all.

Just last week some mice found my best stuff* and chewed their way into the box. Then, and I’m only guessing about this part, they ran around inside the box and had an orgy. If the kids hadn’t been in the room when I discovered this, I might have been tempted to eat the chocolate anyway, it being chocolate and all.

In the end, sanity won out. Or rather fear did. I knew the kids would tell my husband and that he would be pretty grossed out if I ate rodent enhanced sweets. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done was throwing that chocolate away. That’s how much I love my husband.

If he loves me back, he’ll probably come home with another box of my favorite chocolates very soon. This time I’ll keep them in a mouse AND kid proof hiding place. And just to be on the safe side, it can’t hurt to keep juggling those Ginsu knives.

*my “best stuff” is from Gertrude Hawk Chocolates. Get two boxes of the Dark Chocolate Silk Smidgens and hide them well!

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