O Canada, Uu Kanata...How Brightly Shines your Economy

Chuckle #461 | July 27th, 2011
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I love America. But after an eye opening visit to our impressive “neighbor to the North”, I’ve been thinking that we could do better. Quite frankly, the “51st” state is kicking our butt. Having been unapologetically raised (like most Americans) to feel superior to Canadians, I find that being jealous of them makes me uncomfortable. I would very much prefer to go back to making fun of how they pronounce “about”.

But that won’t be easy because Canada rocks.

From the mountains, to the oceans, and the glaciers; the place is gorgeous. The entire country is like a supersized national park. And everyone is extremely friendly. They also have that cool B.C. ferry system on which you can travel the entire inside passage for ‘aboot’ the cost of a single trip to Nantucket. Now that’s public transportation.

And if all that weren’t enough to make you jealous, they have “Poutine”. French fries and cheese curds drenched in a surprisingly delicious brown gravy.

The one bad thing about Canada right now is the terrible exchange rate. Americans have become used to being flogged by the Euro, but CANADA!? This is a new experience.

When I was growing up, getting passed a Canadian quarter was the worst thing that could happen to a kid. The creepy candy store manager refused to take Canadian coins because, at the time, they were practically worthless. This meant a serious and unacceptable reduction in my candy buying power. To an American kid hell-bent on sugaring herself up, Canada was a curse.

Just for the record, someone in Canada owes me a case of Sweet Tarts.

Canada was cheap. But thanks to the financial crisis, Canada is back on top. There are a couple reasons for this. Because Canadians are not nearly as rapacious as Americans, they avoided the total financial meltdown that we experienced. They also control VAST amounts of oil and because we have not bothered to devise any national renewables strategy, we are at their mercy. Lucky for us they are just a bunch of funny talking goofballs from up north.

Or are they? Up until a week ago, I had no idea how ‘schooled’ we got by Canada.

Fortunately Americans can blame their gross ignorance about Canada on the publishing industry which insists on listing a Canadian dollar price on books that is 25% higher than the US price without regard to the fact that there is an actual fluctuating exchange rate between our two currencies. Really, there is!

It wasn’t until I walked past a Canadian bank that I realized that I was actually paying 10% MORE for Canadian stuff, not 25% less. I immediately had a flashback to me sobbing at the candy counter. Ironic, eh?

Oil-besotted Americans know that Canadians have us by the balls. All we can hope for now is that they will squeeze real hard. Then congress might agree, in tutti falsetto, to do something about our dependency on oil.

At least we can still make fun ‘aboot’ the way Canadians talk. What can I say? Inbred superiority complexes die hard. And to be honest, I’m still a little testy about the Sweet Tarts they owe me…
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