Traveling on Pins and Needles

Chuckle #456 | June 15th, 2011
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My daughter practically hyperventilates when she sees a hypodermic needle. She freaks at the mere thought of shots. Getting her the full complement of childhood vaccinations was so traumatic that even electroshock therapy (our “go to” remedy) failed to jolt her out of her needle willies.

And it’s not just my daughter who suffers. What about my husband and I? We can’t exactly put her up for adoption the week before her check-up every year. (Child Services would become suspicious.) No, we have to pretend that “everything is ok” while our normally reserved daughter goes berserk and the nurses run for their lives.

The turnover we’ve caused among our pediatrician’s staff has wreaked havoc on her practice over the years. I’m surprised she manages to stay in business. It’s a good thing that doctors take that Hippocratic Oath or we’d be buying vaccines on the black market and chasing our daughter around the house with a syringe ourselves.

(Yet another black mark with Child Services.)

I don’t think the nurses are fully aware of the danger they are in as they prep that little tray of needles right under my daughter’s nose. And I am not about to tell them. This is a girl who can pick me up and tuck me under her arm like a Beanie Baby. She could do some serious damage from the depths of a needle induced adrenalin rush.

When she was little, two or three people could immobilize her as long as they knew Krav Maga and were good with knots. Now that she is older, “speed injecting” seems to work best. (The velocity, not the drug.) The most skilled nurses can get in and get out AND avoid the disabling blow to the solar plexus.

And yes, for those curious lawyers out there (you know who you are) we have increased our liability insurance, just in case.

My daughter’s deep seated needle phobia has had some unintended consequences. “Adventure Travel” is out of the question for our family. For us, an adventure vacation is booking a summer cottage on Cape Cod sight unseen via the internet. Those places can be real dumps, with exposed wiring, stained mattresses, and unspeakable infestations.

The excitement of experiencing really deplorable accommodations together is the closest we’ll probably ever get to the third world as a family unit. Hey, we don’t need to face a lion in Africa to bond, though it would be nice.

My daughter will never be a true world traveler, but on the flip side, she won’t be a heroin addict either. (Yes Grandma, I did count that as one of my “blessings”.)

This summer, my two children who are NOT shot averse will head off to South America, where yellow fever, typhoid, hepatitis, rabies, malaria and a slew of other illnesses abound. My husband and I are sadly confined to destinations that are disease free. Many of which we’ve already visited. Oh how we too wish we could risk contracting a potentially deadly blood borne illness.

I used to think that traveling with babies was exhausting. Now I look back fondly on those days and think, at least we were traveling.

If we are to ever hit the road “less” traveled again, we are going to have to find a way to overcome my daughter’s needle issues. I’m thinking heavy sedation, or maybe even hypnosis. For obvious reasons we won’t be giving acupuncture a shot.

If all fails, we just have to remember that the world is a big, beautiful place. There’s plenty to see and do, and several countries that are not currently experiencing an outbreak of Dengue Fever.

Niagara Falls anyone? I hear the Canadian side is both lovely and disease free.
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