The Dangers and Delights of DEET

Chuckle #454 | June 1st, 2011
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Every spring, hardy New Hampshire natives endure an extended period of bug induced human misery. The locals affectionately call this special time of year Black Fly Season. You would think that people would be clever enough to abandon the state during the “season”. But they don’t, because their excessive use of DEET has caused massive neurological damage.

They stay because they simply don’t remember how BAD bug season can get.

Collective amnesia is the only logical explanation for why the population of NH keeps growing despite the bugs and the ludicrous property taxes.  It sure isn't for the hot girls at the strip clubs.

 I totally understand where these folks are coming from though. Given the choice between bathing in 29% DEET or being the human happy hour snack for a swarm of black flies, I’d pick the debilitating poison every time. The scary side effects of DEET don’t scare me quite as much as NH bugs.

And besides, who needs ovaries at age 47?

My body has adapted very well to highly toxic levels of DEET. Don’t polyps grow out of everyone’s navels? My NH neighbor tells me that the facial twitching is temporary and will be gone by Christmas. Just the same, I’d occasionally like to able to dash to my car without having to apply a chemical weapon strength bug spray. So I’ve decided to go native. This year for my birthday, I’m asking for a full body titanium fly net, just like my neighbor’s.

I bet most of you don’t even know what that is. (Except maybe the Minnesotans.)

I already own five head nets, but those only protect my head, hence the clever name. My daughter is concerned that I will look completely ridiculous and will make the family appear crazy by association. She has a point. And for her benefit, I will remove my full body netting before I go into the local market. And because I love her, I will NOT tell her that everyone in town already thinks we are crazy summer people.

If you didn’t notice, humankind is engaged in an epic struggle against bugs, but in the end, the best defense against them is wind. If there is a strong enough wind I can stand outside wearing no DEET or net and taunt the little buggers with my exposed flesh as they are blown by. I delight in watching them beat their little wings frantically towards me to no avail. Once in a while one of the mightier flies will get close enough to lick me on his way past, but NONE are able to hold position long enough to buzz or bite.

Twenty knots sure makes for a nice spring day in NH.

There is ONE other “bug repelling” tactic that I’ve thought about, but haven’t had the guts to try. Surely you too have considered experimenting with your dog’s supply of Frontline? Think about it. One enticing little pill each month and you too could be bug free.

The side effects couldn’t possibly be any worse than applying Backwoods Off! eight times a day. Could they?
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