Bunnies with BALLS

Chuckle #455 | June 8th, 2011
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I don’t often use bad language, even under my breath at infuriating drivers who don’t signal. My mantra is what you’d call “laissez-faire”, or, do nothing. Very libertarian. But that was before the bunnies invaded my perfectly manicured yard and ATE IT. I’m now considering what dark and unseemly actions I can take against said bunnies, using the Caddy Shack script as a jumping off point.

There are times, like now, when I wish I could handle a bolt action .22 like Sarah Palin. If I could, my bunny troubles would be over “pretty darn quick-like”, as Sarah would say.

The bunnies in my yard are seriously bad_ss. (Pardon my French.) People whose yards lack basic landscaping, such as shrubs, grass, and flowering plants of any kind, think bunnies are adorable. The rest of us are stockpiling ammo.

Film and literature is full of evil apocalyptic rabbits because writers think it is clever to create juxtapositions, like “bad guy” bunnies. This would be even cleverer if it hadn’t already been done like, a million times. Think Wallace & Gromit’s Were-Rabbit, Monty Python’s Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, and the psychotic Boingo of Hoodwinked - all very, very naughty bunnies.

My personal bunny troubles began this past spring when some well-meaning neighborhood parents asked animal control to relocate a pack of coyotes. I liked those coyotes. Even though none of us could venture outside after dusk, the coyotes had done an admirable job of keeping the population of feral bunnies in check.

Once the coyotes were gone the bunnies came back with a vengeance (and with a taste for expensive nursery grown perennials.) My gorgeous front door planters immediately became "the" local bunny salad bar and social club. I'm NOT flattered.

I grieved for my pansies and wept for my petunias. Then I got mad.

If I were British, the rat poison would have come out weeks ago. If I were more like Sarah Palin I would have shot’em from the roof then sold each little rabbit foot as a good luck charm from my kid's lemonade stand. But I’m neither, AND I’m reluctant to be seen shopping at the gun counter at Walmart. So instead, I asked one of my experienced gardening friends for advice.

Surely, I thought, there is a more humane way to drive the little beasts away, like exploding their eardrums with high frequency radio waves or something.

My friend first suggested I take up Falconry since falcons are known to enjoy dismembering bunnies just as much as coyotes, if not more. I liked the idea of a “circle of life” solution, but Falconry seemed a bit overly complicated. (Not to mention messy.)

She then suggested using cayenne pepper. Having once accidently rubbed cayenne pepper into my eyes at a pizza restaurant, I know how agonizing just a teeny bit can be. All I had to do, she said, was sprinkle some on my flower beds and the bunnies would seek greener pastures, or they would self-combust.

The cayenne pepper seems to be working. My only regret is that because I have no night vision goggles I cannot see how bunnies react to extra spicy "buffalo style" pansy petals. I bet they hop around a lot, real crazy-like, and become very difficult to shoot.

How far down the “rabbit hole” have I fallen in defense of my yard? Pretty far. But as Lewis Carroll says, a psychotic bunny invasion demands an equally psychotic solution.

Of course, he was hallucinating at the time.
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