Oscar(s) the Grouch

Chuckle #442 | March 3rd, 2011
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Let’s be frank. Actor and actress “eye candy” was the only thing that the Oscars had going for it this year. You know you are in for a painful evening when the red carpet dialogue outshines the Oscars opening monologue. Was it just me, or was Sunday’s show both interminably long and mind numbingly boring?

You would think that after 83 years the mysterious “Academy” would have accumulated enough Nielsen data to KNOW that no one over 40 stays up past 10:30 just to see what happens Oscar night. Certainly not in the age of TiVo and IO. In fact, if it weren’t for the welcome distraction of the “Oscars Drinking Game”, I might have tuned-out and turned-in even earlier.

And would it have killed them to put a can of Red Bull in the party bag just to keep the “live” audience looking, well, a little more “alive”?

This year I set an ‘early to bed’ record by bailing right after “Best Sound Mixing.” I appreciate sound, really I do. The talkies were a definite breakthrough for the movie industry. But I lack the technical skills to truly understand the significance of this highly coveted award, hence my extreme ennui at this precise moment.

Then there were our Oscar hosts. Short of sawing off James Franco’s arm on live TV, there really wasn’t much Ann Hathaway could do to improve the script. I doubt Franco would have felt a thing since he was either in a coma or was in reality, a low functioning avatar of himself. I give Ann Hathaway an “A” for effort, but even a MAJOR Givenchy wardrobe malfunction wouldn’t have been enough to distract us from the lame dialogue between her and Franco.

Then Billy Crystal gets up on stage and proves once and for all that the skillful application of COMIC timing could have saved us from Oscar boredom. Crystal got a standing ovation before he even said a word, just by LOOKING at the audience. Yes, we were all that desperate.

And what was all that host chatter about the new more “youthful” Oscars? As one of the presumably “older” skewing Oscar viewers, I found this quite insulting. Was it really necessary to keep over-annunciating the words “app” and “tweet” like we were either morons; their grandparents – or both?

There came a point in the show at which I began grasping at straws. If I had to be specific, I would say that it was right around the 6th shot of tequila. Compared to our official Oscar hosts, Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law were HILARIOUS. Kirk Douglas was both funny and sweet despite the irony of a significant speech impediment. And Russell Brand managed to keep my attention simply by looking and talking, as usual, like a lunatic. But then, he’s a real comedian.

Maybe I expected too much from an ABC show. Or maybe the Oscar(s) just bring out the grouch in me.

What the Oscars need is perfectly clear. It’s Ricky Gervais. Controversial yes, but genuinely funny with that distinctly acerbic British wit that we Americans find so refreshing, unless we are the target of it. (Oh lighten up Charlie Sheen.)

Given the pain I suffered at the hands of this year’s Oscars, I might just Hulu the 2012 show. Shocking as this news may be to the Academy, I am familiar with Hulu (and Twitter for that matter.)

For future reference, I’m not a moron nor a luddite. I’m just BORED.
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