'Tis the Season to Steal from the Poor

Chuckle #435 | December 22, 2010
 scroll down to leave a comment

There is something strangely compelling - and guilt inducing - about a person who selflessly stands outside a store in the freezing cold, ringing a bell. The resulting primal urge to stuff a buck into absurd looking red kettle is simply irresistible...as noted by the insightful minor talent Robert Palmer.

Did you ever wonder why the Salvation Army uses a red camp cooker to collect money? Or why Pavlov used bells to train his dogs? Yeah, me too. Apparently the color red and the sound of bells, attract…especially around the holidays. And unless you are a cold hearted down-on-your luck scrooge, you are going to put SOMETHING in that pot.

I’ve got to hand it to the Salvation Army. Someone there has a brilliant understanding of human motivation. Maslow placed the “urge to donate” (or more specifically, to be seen donating) at the very top of the hierarchy of needs pyramid. So why people make gigantic anonymous donations is hard to understand.

Then there’s me. Caught up in the holiday excitement of making my 15th paltry kettle contribution (and becoming self-actualized), I somehow managed to get my fingers stuck in the pot. Not because I have pudgy fingers or anything, but because there are obvious design flaws in that T shaped money slot.

The people coming out of the grocery store behind me were confronted with a hysterical bell ringer and an even more disturbed woman who looked like she was trying to steal from the Salvation Army.

This particular situation was clearly NOT covered in the bell ringer dude training manual, because he kind of flipped out right along with me.

Sadly enough, I was stealing from the Salvation Army. If my hand had NOT been stuck in the slot for five minutes, they would have taken in at least another 20 bucks. That’s a significant donor shortfall for which I am personally responsible. On the other hand, I drew a pretty big crowd with my kettle dance shenanigans – which surely made up the difference.

That was a LOT of excitement for a 10AM trip to the grocery store. And the day had only just begun.

The holidays are exhausting, even when you DON’T inadvertently steal from the poor; suffer a minor finger injury; and endure massive reputational damage.

The next time I donate, (and there will be a next time because you can’t exit any store without tripping over a Salvation Army guy) I’m using coins. They drop right in and don’t require any prestidigitation at all.

Despite evidence to the contrary, stealing from the poor is not really what I’m all about, (no matter how enticing a class action suit might appear now that I’ve contacted the hundred other people who’ve also gotten their hands stuck in the kettle.)

But just in “case”, the Salvation Army should probably make sure that their liability coverage extends to donor entrapment and holiday mental anguish. Just a friendly suggestion made in the true spirit of the holiday season.

…and to all my Wiccan, Druid and Pagan readers, happy winter solstice.
See you all in 2011!
----------------------------------------------------
Get your Weekly Chuckle via email at http://www.laughoutloudmom.com/
Copyright 2008-2010 LOLmom.com, Greenwich CT USA