A Perfect Pat-Down is Priceless

Chuckle #432 | December 1st, 2010
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Our federal bureaucracies need to hire more Harvard MBAs. How do I know? Because the Transportation Security Administration could be making a bajillion dollars by offering travelers an “upgraded” security experience - for a hefty fee - and it doesn’t.

For example, if I could choose Sven, the 6 foot Icelandic blond with the rippling forearms to do my pat-down; would I not pay at least 20 extra bucks for the privilege? Especially if standing behind “scary pat-down door number two” was toothless “body-odor Billie Bob” with the unusually sweaty palms.

Now that I can visualize the options, I might even pay $40.

The TSA has a captive, unhappy audience, ripe for a value-added upsell. What they obviously DON’T have is a marketing and sales department.

Our economy is in the dumpster, yet the TSA refuses to cash in on the desires of travelers like myself who would gladly shell out for Sven. Enhanced security fees are a NO-BRAINER, they are like an optional progressive tax, a win win. It’s the kind of revenue stream that Republicans and Democrats have DREAMED of for years– but which I came up with after just two hours in the airport security line.

Let the rich pay for stuff they desperately want. Let the government reap the reward. This country needs new sources of “voluntary” revenue that’s not generated from regressive options like casinos and lotteries.

There’s no need to tax the rich when they’re willing to purchase “security services” at astronomical prices. Why shouldn’t our government monopolies take advantage of their power over the free market? (Just ignore the fact that this might be communism and focus on the money.)

Think about it. Charging “extra” has kept the airline industry afloat for years. Security upgrade fees could do the same for Washington.

Patriotic Americans will NOT complain about having the opportunity to “pimp” their security experience, because most Americans are capitalists and accept that life often includes Pareto optimal outcomes. (In other words, life isn't fair.)

The airlines have paved the way for TSA to make its move. We are already used to paying extra for luggage, for snacks, for movies, for blankets and pillows, for extra leg room, for being fat, and for the air hostess to be extra nice (it’s called First Class). The American Traveler is ripe for the picking.

So how will the TSA bring in the big bucks? For starters, they have to make enhanced pat- downs required for all passengers. Then they have to make the regular security process extremely tedious and unpleasant with really long lines. (Oh wait, they’ve already done that.) All that is left to do is to offer a menu of security experience “upgrades” beyond the current basic offerings.

I suggest the following “Travel Menu” for starters.

“Security Express” - a quicker route through security, AKA authorized cutting.

“Pat-Down Plus” - a more “spa-like” enhanced pat-down room, with plush robes and slippers, changing    rooms and a beverage service.

“Pat-Down Choice” – pat-downs by educated, attractive individuals, who offer scintillating conversation as you are felt-up, to help take your mind off (or enhance) the experience.

“Keepsake Scanner Art” – option to purchase a copy of your naked body scanner image as a souvenir or framed art. They make excellent gifts.

People who don’t wish to pay for “upgrades” (or who can’t afford to) can simply keep doing what they are doing now for free. Research shows that people respond very positively to the word “free”.

While security is our first priority, I see no problem with putting a price on public “outrage”.

If I have to get a pat-down, I want the option of getting it from Sven.
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