Hungry Or Bored?

Chuckle #429 | November 10th, 2010
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I should be able to tell whether I’m hungry or simply bored, but that fine distinction often eludes me. Especially when there are vats of leftover Halloween candy scattered around the house. Twix and Heath bars call to me like last season’s peasant skirt on the clearance rack at Marshalls. It is not physically possible for me to simply walk on by. Skirt or candy.

Sugar makes me surly but I can’t stop indulging. My face is an unsightly mass of chocolate induced blotches, but put the Hershey’s bar down? Not a chance. The Chocolate Goddess has me in her thrall. Cocoa is after all, a drug of sorts. Why else would we crave it so much?

I begged my kids to donate their Halloween loot days ago, to no avail. Shouldn’t a more deserving family have the opportunity to pack on the pounds, ruin their complexions and rot their teeth? I certainly think so.

I eat the Halloween candy not because I am hypoglycemic (which is one of my more creative excuses) but because it is THERE. Hunger has absolutely nothing to do with my chocolate consumption. Even the kids now know better than to leave for school and leave their candy anywhere near mom.

But my problems go well beyond the short-lived temptations of Halloween.

My pantry is perpetually stocked with the snacks necessary to satisfy three kids and a voracious husband. How is a woman supposed to eat egg whites when hot dogs and cheese are so plentiful? As a mother, I have to meet the needs of my family - don’t I? Given the variety and quantity of food available for my snacking pleasure, I doubt I’ll have the chance to experience real “hunger” for years.

Sure, I occasionally utter the words, “Boy am I starving!” But by pot-bellied African children standards, that’s a gross exaggeration. In my case, “starving” usually means that I skipped my third cup of coffee or my 5PM pre-dinner bag of cheese corn. Not exactly the stuff of hardship.

Yeah, I’m a snacker. I pretty much snack all day long, starting with a handful of cereal at 7AM, a muffin at 8:30, then a brownie at 10. After 11 or so I start to debate whether I should have a mid-morning 2nd breakfast, or wait a bit and have a proper lunch.

In the afternoon all hell breaks loose because I have NO RULES, NO LIMITS, and from what I can tell, NO SELF RESPECT.

In fact, at this very moment there’s a Hundred Thousand Dollar bar SHOUTING my name – from a Ziploc bag stuffed in the back of a cabinet that I can’t reach without a stool. And I’m willing to bet you 8 pounds of leftover Halloween candy that it won’t be there when my kids get home from school.

I’m not saying it’s a healthy way to eat, but it’s what I do.

Actually, the "experts" say this approach is healthy. Nutritionists claim that “grazing” is best. (As long as the “grazing” isn’t primarily on Halloween candy and Brie). We’ve been told that rather than consuming three super-sized meals each day, it’s better to stare at the contents of the pantry 20 times a day; wonder what you “feel” like eating; then grab a few pita chips or a handful of nuts. Like me.

My “Snacker Diet” would be cutting edge if it didn’t consist primarily of sugar and caffeine.

And I take it back. I have rules. They just don’t kick in until the kids get home…
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