A River Outing “Outs” American Education

Chuckle #418 | August 25th, 2010
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If the people who go “River Tubing” are representative of America, then America kind of scares me. Have you recently spent the afternoon Tubing? If the answer is a resounding and mortified YES, then you are now aware (as am I), that America does not spend nearly enough time and money trying to fix our broken education system.

The flaws are almost too numerous to list. Not only have our schools failed to provide American youth with one or two adjectives that could be used in place of “effing” (might I suggest “very”?), they have also failed to encourage common sense limits on tattoos and body piercings.

My recent tubing experience is certifiable proof that our schools have also failed to provide kids with the basic nutritional and health information that would have enabled them to make better lifestyle choices and “tube” in relative safety as adults.

Despite the generous weight limits on tubes, many tubers still ran aground. Those who tried to smoke and tube simultaneously suffered oddly circular third degree burns, and were charged for similarly damaged tubes. Had they been taught, as part of a robust science curriculum, that heat melts plastic, they’d still be merrily afloat.

Our tubing trip made me sad. I've been taught how to properly conjugate verbs, yet have done very little to promote education for all. I have failed my country. This must change.

Delivering the American educational system from its hillbilly black hole will not be easy, but for starters, I suggest this…

EVERY American president (and school principal, chancellor, superintendent, and board of Ed member) should be required to spend some quality time on the Delaware River in New Jersey with his/her butt stuck in a bright blue inner tube. Because in my personal experience, THAT is where he or she will come face to face with the adult product of our schools. At a float speed of approximately 1 MPH, there is plenty of time to get to know your fellow Americans. And to weep.

Now it’s possible that I am being statistically unfair. We chose to tube on a Sunday when the church going population who might otherwise have raised the education/morality bar was NOT in attendance. The representation of Jersey shore Snooki types was therefore higher in the studied sample than they might have been, say, on a Wednesday. Let’s just say that this “study” is not entirely scientific.

I realize that I sound like the privileged, east coast, public school educated, middle class, self-made, easily grossed-out woman that I am. (Even Disney crowds freak me out.) And I’m not proud for thinking that a hefty price tag of $27 per person to tube (plus $15 for the VIP line) would have kept the riff raff off the river. But I was wrong, so very wrong.

For one, the “VIP” line was a total waste of money. We had to use the same porta-potty and sketchy bus as everyone else. But at least my civic duty has been awakened.

Besides, I now have a personal interest in fixing the educational system. Thanks to the river trip, my kids just got their Eliza Doolittle education in reverse and can now creatively conjugate basic verbs like “to have” into “I don’t got no.” It’ll take a lot of work to undo the damage…

On the flip side, there is nothing like an afternoon spent tubing with the swearing, smoking, tattooed, and vocabulary challenged public to make your kids appreciate the lifestyle and educational opportunities you have provided. At the end of our tubing trip, my kids actually told ME how lucky and privileged and EDUCATED they felt. Maybe that’s what the $27 bucks was really for. If so, it was a bargain.

Yes, our tubing trip made me sad. But it also made me mad.

Being born into a poor, under-educated home in the inner city, rural Georgia or even central Jersey is America’s hidden caste system. Public education, or lack thereof, is our nation’s biggest “dirty little secret” and pardon my newly acquired River French, it’s “effing” unfair.

So in the end, I’m RECOMMENDING a river tubing trip. The experience will turn us all, young and old, into education activists. There’s a river of knowledge out there, and Americans have a right to do more than simply float on top of it.
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