The Consequences of Being Raised by Bears

Chuckle #406 | May 19th, 2010
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I’m a huge fan of Emily Post. Like Emily, I think table manners are important. So over the years I’ve put a lot of effort into teaching my children proper table behavior. I do this through constant nagging, public embarrassment, occasional bribery, and complicated hand signals that only an MLB pitcher could follow. Emily would not have approved of my methods. But then Emily was not blessed with my three children.

I thought my efforts were paying off until I looked around the dinner table last night. Not a single child had remembered to put their napkin on their lap. I was discouraged. My kids were so completely lacking in savoir-faire, you’d think they had been raised by bears.

Some people think this stuff isn’t important. Some people don’t care how others hold their forks or cut their meat. Some people are unbothered by elbows on the table. If you haven’t already guessed, I am not some people. But my children are. It is now my job to “fix” them, so that they can get a good job; marry a prince; or attend a presidential dinner without qualms. Or at least not embarrass themselves in public.

Good manners should fit like a glove. But most kids are “not to the manner born”*. They need to be taught. Over time, with lots of repetition, your kids will put their napkins on their laps. Good manners will hopefully become second nature, overcoming “first nature,” which compels them to trash their rooms and eat with their hands. Like bears.

What if I fail to teach my kids proper table manners? This is the scary part. Then the only people who would consider marrying them will also be etiquette challenged. I will have sons and daughters-in-law who are slobs. They will breed children who blow their noses at the dinner table and wipe their hands on their shirts. There is simply no way I am hosting Thanksgiving dinner under those circumstances.

So you see, the stakes are huge.

If I fail, I will be responsible for creating an entirely new generation of badly mannered grandchildren. The mere thought of the little monsters gives me the strength to keep nagging my own kids about “elbows off the table”. Thank goodness I still have time to mold my kids into proper ladies and gentlemen, and save us all.

I will NOT let the bears win this one.

*(Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 4)

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