The "Bad Banana' Theorem

Chuckle #407 | May 26th, 2010
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My bananas have spots. For a banana, this is the beginning of the end. For me, spots mean it's time to trigger the stop-loss order.  Because when a banana is ever so slightly past its prime, no one will eat it. This is a classic Yankee Dilemma.  There is NO WAY I am throwing these bananas out, so how should I attempt to salvage them this time?

I could…

1) Eat the bananas myself, even though I don’t like bananas.
2) Make banana bread.
3) Disguise the bananas in a smoothie and feed them to my kids without their knowledge.
4) Freeze them for future use, only to throw them out 4 months from now when I can’t identify the strange mush in the Ziploc.
5) Mail them to my dad who is more than happy to eat anything, even black bananas.

What makes this banana crisis even worse than the usual banana crisis is that these were ORGANIC bananas. Ka-ching$$$! The only thing more painful than throwing out a 25 cent banana, is throwing out a banana that cost me a buck fifty.

I don’t know about you, but for me, the bad banana situation is psychologically untenable. I cannot bring myself to throw away the bananas, yet there is not much I can do with said bananas (that is both palatable and effortless.) Bad bananas are to moms what Fermat's Last Theorem is (or had been) to mathematicians, or the Cuban missile crisis to Kennedy, etc…. It’s an unsolvable riddle; a lose/lose; a conundrum.

Yet I am COMPELLED to act. I know from experience that getting rid of a fruit fly infestation is even harder than getting rid of bananas.

Nobody likes a bad banana. Bad banana disdain is deeply rooted in our society’s shared experience. Bad banana messages have been ingrained in our psyche through song, proverbs, and various incomprehensible sayings…

“You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel…” (Grinch soundtrack.)

“No sane person sharpens his machete to cut a banana tree.” (Nigerian proverb.)

“Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.”

“One bad banana can spoil the whole bunch.”

And NO, I have not gone bananas, I’m just trying to get rid of them. Smoothie anyone?
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