Thus Spoke Zarathustra (to my 4 Year Old)

Chuckle #399 | March 24th, 2010
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There will come a time when your child will ask you about GOD. You’ll be prepared for the God question because you’ve been repeatedly warned by parenting experts that it’s coming. So when my youngest daughter said she wanted to talk God, I was not only ready, I was informed.

As it turns out, my daughter did not want to talk about God. She had already briefly entertained and rejected monotheism without bothering to seek my vast, newly acquired wisdom. I was hurt. Until she said she wanted to discuss the finer points of atheism and agnosticism instead. Yikes.

What ever happened to “Where do babies come from?” or “What is my belly button for?” The simple, physical questions are so easy to answer. While I hold out hope that my daughter will someday believe in SOMETHING - even the undeniable existence of intelligent dust in space - I’m not holding my breath.

Where did my husband and I go wrong?

We purposefully raised our children to have a firm sense of their own cultural and religious identity. They were dutifully subjected to the rigors of religious education and all the other yada yada. This kind of “identity building” is good for kids, or so I'm told. More importantly, a strong sense of “self” acts as a talisman of sorts against the insidious recruiting efforts of CULTS. At the very least, at the moment of truth, my kids might refuse to “drink the cool-aid” along with the guru’s 300 other wives. That was “THE PLAN” anyway.

This approach worked fine on my older kids. Unfortunately my 12 year old daughter won’t put her rational super-ego in the back seat so that she can enjoy the religion “ride” without over thinking it. She insists on debating the existence of God and other tenets of pure faith.

Not only that, but at age 4 she declared Santa Claus a parental hoax and impossible by virtue of simple physics. Angry (hoax perpetuating) parents blacklisted her from play dates at Christmastime. The child is simply a “non-believer” and I’m not sure that any amount of religious indoctrination can change her into something she is not. (The effect of the hypnosis and the Mysterious Chinese Herb treatment are not conclusive.)

I can’t say I blame her. She probably got “it” from me. You see, I have this thing about women’s equality that makes it hard for me to accept certain aspects of organized religion. (And pretty much anything else run by “the man”.) In the 80’s I would have been called a feminist. So I blame myself that my child is a soulless skeptic (and budding activist) who will undoubtedly suffer greatly in the afterlife. If only she cared.

She and I do like to talk – scientifically of course - about different religions. I’ve just recently made the argument that the religion of “CHOCOLATE CAKE” is technically idolatry, as in the Golden Calf, and not a religion at all. (Especially the way she practices it.) The worst case scenario would be that she discovers philosophy, is charmed by nihilism, and never leaves home. So in the hopes of averting a permanent freeloader situation, I keep the lines of communication open.

One of our favorite religions is Zoroastrianism, the central theme of which is personal moral choice. E.g. we bear responsibility for the situations we are in, and the way we act towards each other. Zoroastrianism can be summed up as, "good thoughts, good words, good deeds". And they venerate dogs. We especially like the dog thing.

So if and when we come back (though our chosen religion doesn’t believe in reincarnation), we’ve decided to come back Zarathustrian, and generally be good to people and our pets.

Please don’t cast any “holier than thou” stones at me. I realize that this is an unorthodox way to approach the God question, but at least she is still contemplates a God. And trust me, that’s progress.

The one thing I’m sure of is that she is safe from cults. No cult could possibly want this obstinate, opinionated child as a member.

So I guess THE PLAN worked after all.
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