The REAL Cost of Driver's Education

Chuckle #398 | March 17th, 2010
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My son is about to turn 16. This happens to be the magical age at which a child may obtain a DRIVER’S PERMIT. Or so proclaims the state of CT. Stripped of our parental decision-making rights by our own “constitution” state, my husband and I have only two choices. We can alienate and embarrass our eldest child, or accept our fate and begin the ordeal of “practice driving.”

We all know what’s going to happen.

Does it make sense to let your kid get their permit? Every cost/benefit analysis shows that it does NOT. There is no scenario (even doomsday) under which it makes economic or practical sense to teach your kid to drive at age 16. And once you factor in loss of sanity and the risk to other humans (and pets) – it actually begins to sound kind of CRAZY.

But driving is an American right of passage, and it’s hard to keep a teenager from it. (It’s also hard to pay the astronomical premium on your insurance when you add a teenager to your policy.) But CAR = FREEDOM. It always has. And no matter how hard I try to sell my son on the concept of a new, awesome BIKE instead, he’s not buying.

Unfortunately for us parents, the more our kids drive, the better they get at it. And that means putting our selves inside a weapon of mass destruction with our child at the wheel. (The child we KNOW as immature, easily distracted, and inclined to swerve to avoid bunnies.) But we owe it to society to deliver a good driver. (Besides, every hour of official Driving School behind the wheel “training” costs about $100 bucks.) I’ll endure almost anything to save $100 bucks. Or so I thought.

In preparation for “permit day” we’ve been conscientiously doing some practice driving to get our son comfortable behind the wheel, mostly in local parking lots and cemeteries. (The cemetery is a bit too prescient for my taste, but it’s a good exercise in avoiding stationary objects like tombstones.) And as my friend said, everyone there is already dead, so the harm my son can inflict is quite limited.

Practicing in a cemetery also subtly reinforces an important message. “Invincible or not, drive badly and you could end up here.”

One of our first practice driving sessions was at the local elementary school and it was a failure from the start. There were too many kids learning how to ride their bikes. A wobbly 5 year old doesn’t stand a chance against a jumpy teenager learning how to drive. The dads eyed us nervously. I eyed them longingly. What I would give to be back in training wheels with my son instead of behind the wheel.

We tried again at the high school parking lot. I made the mistake of bringing the dog for moral support (and comfort.) My son’s first effort at braking sent the dog slamming into the dashboard and down onto the floor with a whimper. He’s ok now. Note to self. Do NOT bring dog to driving lessons. (If possible, do not bring SELF to driving lessons.)

Our third outing was after the recent Big Windstorm of 2010. In hindsight it seems obvious. Streets filled with downed trees and live electrical wires, while challenging, are a relatively poor training environment for a new driver. Did I mention I hadn't done this before?

Final note to self. It’s time for DAD to take over. Mom’s neck and fragile mental condition cannot handle 20 more hours of practice driving. And the poor dog refuses to get in the car. For any reason. I love my son, but I’m starting to feel the same way as the dog.

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