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Little Johnny is standing up in the front seat of the shopping cart, again, reaching for the Oreos, while mom peruses the mac n’ cheese from 20 yards away. There is NO WAY that mom can reach Little Johnny before he falls, smashes his head open on the cement floor of the grocery store and ends up in a coma. Yet I bite my tongue and stroll on by. Little Johnny’s mother is Little Johnny’s problem. If he survives the fall.
I bite my tongue a lot because parents everywhere allow things that I NEVER would. In my admittedly, very opinionated mind, these are bad parents, many of whom deserve a visit from social services. (Especially the ones holding their two year olds on their lap while they drive.) These are people who were born with brains that were just a wee bit too small to accommodate parenting skills. Normally evolution would have taken care of this problem, but these days just about anyone can reach childbearing age. Hence the need to bite my tongue.
Some parents are too ignorant to be helped and some simply don’t care. But sometimes there are smart parents, with properly sized brains, who’ve simply given up the battle or don’t know how it’s fought. For them I offer the BEST advice I ever got from another parent, a guidance counselor at a high school, who was constantly being asked, “What can I do about my rotten kid?” This advice is worth sharing.
Discipline starts at BIRTH, not age 13, or even 3. Don’t give up on a single battle with your kids, or you’ve lost the war, and your world will become a living nightmare of badly behaved kids and people who don’t want to be near you. You will end up friendless unless you are willing to lock your kids in a closet (along with your badly behaved dog) every time people come over.
If you are willing to never let your children see the light of day in a public place, then go ahead, let them run amok from day one. There is NOTHING you can do about your rotten kids once they are teenagers and you’ve screwed this up, (despite the ads you hear on the radio) except maybe boarding school. And that’s an expensive cop out.
So, if you want to live a normal life (and save $30K a year), tell little Johnny to sit his little butt down in the shopping cart or else he goes home. If he doesn’t, abandon the cart, drag him kicking and screaming from the store, into the car, back home and put him in his room. Suck it up and feed everyone peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner. Because you cannot cave, you cannot cajole, you cannot hit. But in the end you must always win. You are not your child’s friend. You are his PARENT. I hope this doesn’t come as news to anyone.
Parents make rules, set limits, and establish clear consequences. Then they consistently and lovingly enforce all of the above. And that’s just part of the job description.
I’ll be the first to admit that none of us know how hard this is going to be going in. Had I known that for the first two years of a child’s live that I wouldn’t sit down for a meal for more than 10 minutes, I might have waited a little longer, and gone out to dinner more. I would NOT have uttered my now famous last words, on a lark, “hey sweetie, lets see if we can make a baby”.
“Winning” as a parent means that when your children are older, you will be able to take them on vacation with you and not want to kill yourself, or them. In restaurants, complete strangers will come up to you and tell you what fabulous children you have. You will BASK in their approbation and you will LIKE being with your children (85% of the time). And you will NOT lock yourself in your room just to get a way from them, at least not very often.
Well behaved kids come with benefits. Grandparents will happily volunteer to babysit while you go away on romantic weekends with your husband. (You might even end up with more kids.) All its takes is a will of steel, an iron fist, never giving in no matter how tired you are, (and only allowing ½ hour of TV per day.) Stick to your guns. You can always apologize to a kid if you’ve been a bit too harsh and feel remorse. They are very forgiving.
And while part of your job is to dole out tough love, you can never love your kids too much. Make sure they know that, too.
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I can sooooo relate to this article. i have been that parent who abandoned the shopping cart in the middle of the store and drove home.I am now able to reap the rewards of being able to go out to eat without wanting to kill my children. But I have sadly paid the price. I have been called too strict numerous times. Sadly i have mostly been called this is later in the same conversation that the person told me that my kids were the best behaved they have ever seen. I can now laugh at this dichotomy (years later) but it would send me into tears at the time. Now that my kids are older and all my brothers and sisters are having kids who run a muck all over the place and never do one thing that they are told, I can now sit back and laugh (on the inside, I don't want to be kicked out of the family) and relish my well-behaved children rolling their eyes and asking if we can go home early because they cannot stand the chaos.
ReplyDeleteMy kids are like that too. One of my kids even called to get picked up early from a playdate because they just couldn't take the siblings treating each other like punching bags...Plus, I like being invited to people's vacation houses, a big bonus of having well-behaved kids.
ReplyDeleteI could not agree with you more. I just wish there were more parents in this world that could read and use this advise...there is nothing more exhausting than being around a child that cannot behave himself due his/her parents choices to NOT discipline them properly!!
ReplyDeleteAs a mother and now a grandma I have to tell you you hit the nail on the head> You will be glad you started at birth and were consistent! Many people my age are totally frustrated with the lack of discipline, respect and parents being parents. This was my first blog I have read of your and I give you two thumbs up!
ReplyDeleteDon't you think that you are a bit too strict???
ReplyDelete