My Love-Hate Relationship with my Minivan, a Bible Story

CHUCKLE #381 | November 4th, 2009
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Noah had his ARK, we moms have our MINIVANS. I wonder if Noah's relationship with his ARK was as complicated as my feelings are for my van? Probably more so. He had to build that thing, I only had to choose my "family tanker" off the lot. The Ark was the ultimate achievement in biblical transport, it could hold a "boat" load of animals and gear. But from the illustrations I've seen, it was no yacht. Noah could not have possibly felt "COOL" cruising the floodwaters in that giant butted boat.


There are TWO things they don't warn you about when you get pregnant, 1) pain of childbirth, 2) that you'll soon be driving an ugly, big-butted car. I got my first minivan after we realized that three car seats do not safely fit into a Ford Explorer. Seemed like a good trade-off at the time, comfort and sanity for what was left of my COOLNESS. That's what parenting is all about, isn't it, sacrifice? I was happy with my van until my kids made it smell. (Did it smell as bad as the ARK? Some days I think it did.) After four years of "sacrifice" I couldn't wait to unload my van. I was turning 40, I wanted to be cool again. I wanted...a CROSSOVER SUV.


No Suburban for me. I don't like getting dirty looks from little old ladies. I also wanted to do better than 7 MPG. Since we don't play hockey, and we're not big skiers, we had options. We got an Acura MDX. Which was pretty cool back then for a SUV and perfectly adequate for about three years. Then the kids grew. I had not factored any kids growth tables into my "how long to lease" calulations. Nor did the kindly Acura salesman choose to point out that my children might grow. For the past year, I have been sitting in the third row seat (being the shortest in the family, and the one who is best able to squeeze into small spaces sans whining.) After my kids go to college, I may become a contortionist. In the meantime, we need a NEW CAR.


There are a LOT more crossover SUVS out there now with more comfortable back seats. But I am taking my cue directly from GOD and NOAH. And from my friends who LOVE (vs. hate) their minivans. Make it big, make everyone as comfortable as possible, and save the world. (Or in my case, my back and my sanity.) So I am now, with GREAT anticipation, awaiting the arrival of my second (and hopefully final) minivan. It's black. Black is cool. It's about as cool as a Toyota Sienna is going to get. And black is slimming. It may be an illusion, but my big butted car is going to appear svelte. Little old ladies won't give me a second glance when I park next to them.


NOAH should have painted the ARK black. I don't think God specified big AND ugly, just big. (Surely there were some tar pits around back then.) Noah COULD have been the COOL guy who saved the world, instead he goes down in biblical history looking like a Woodstock hippie with a homemade boat. (Who, nonetheless, inspired the modern "tan" minivan.) But back then, who knew? And even the car companies didn't come up with making minivans black until 2009! I'm guessing the women on the original minivan marketing teams were all stick thin and didn't EVER wear black for the purposes of butt slimmification. No, that's not a word, but it should be.


Love, hate...or some combination of the two...YOUR minivan?