Did That Cheese Just Move? The True Meaning of "Expiration Date"

CHUCKLE #382 | November 11, 2009
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I’ve always believed that expiration dates are more like edibility GUIDELINES, not deadlines. They are subject to personal interpretation. Should you eat that 2-month old, expired yogurt? Look for other clues. If there is visible mold and a powerful stench, something is amiss. If you rub it on your face and you get a rash, DON’T put it in your mouth. Test it first on your dog and you’ll have your answer in a couple hours. If it can WALK, it is definitely past its prime. (Although there seems to be some cultural disagreement on this. In Casu Marzu – a delicacy also known as Maggot Cheese – the live maggots can jump up to 15 feet as they try to avoid being eaten by crazy Italian people.) Right. Like I said, if it can WALK, throw it out.

It may be SAFE to consume a food that doesn’t kill your dog, but how will it TASTE? That depends entirely on how sneaky and creative you are. If a slightly “offending,” marginally edible food can be disguised by pouring another complimentary food on top, like spaghetti sauce, BRAVO. You just put another gourmet meal on the table at no cost*. (*Actual savings may vary depending on cost of over-the-counter gastric treatments and physician co-pays.) To reduce the risk of negative side effects, always prepare with high heat.

Freezing food will prevent it from going bad. Like the vat of stuffed cabbage currently in cryogenic stasis in my freezer. This cabbage smelled vaguely of canned dog food the FIRST time I served it, (hence the vast amount “leftover.”) No one in my family will ever eat this cabbage again, but I froze it anyway. Next month I will attempt to serve it to visiting grandparents whose taste buds have died. I need to stop being so compulsive about preserving marginal leftovers. Freezers are only so big. Any extra space should be used to chill the Stoli and the Limoncello, NOT the dodgy cabbage.

Q & A - Things I’ve Learned Over the Years about Food

1) You CAN rinse the slime off the smoked turkey. This effectively removes any funny taste.

2) Ham lasts longer than any sandwich meat, stock up.

3) Cutting the “BAD” areas off questionable foods renders them edible ONLY if your kids do not see you doing it.

4) Sour milk cannot be repurposed. Once it goes, it’s gone…

5) Salad-in-a-Bag rots spontaneously upon contact with oxygen. If you buy it you must eat if for breakfast, lunch and dinner until it is gone. Otherwise you WILL end up throwing it away.

6) Eating questionable food increases your resistance to other bad bacteria – which is unproven but MUST be true because our mothers have always told us that “what doesn’t kill us will make us stronger.” Of course, my mother learned that from her mother, who survived the Irish potato famine by eating the Irish equivalent of Casu Marzu.

7) Botulism however, CAN kill you. Do not mess around with “iffy” canned food you found buried in your back yard, even if it is creamed corn.

8) In NJ, milk can be sold up to the date “Stamped on Carton”. In NYC milk may be sold until midnight of the previous day. Why is that so hard for me to understand? What does it MEAN?

9) Pharmaceutical companies concede that even 10 years after the "expiration date," most over-the-counter pain killers retain much of their original potency. So I also pretty much ignore expiration dates on stuff like Tylenol. If it doesn’t have any actual MEDICAL benefit, I figure I’ll still get a PLACEBO effect.

What’s in your fridge? Anything slimy, smelly, or WALKING? How is the dog?